Harry Potter and the Seventh Book
by Cardinals-yay
Summary: Harry Potter and company make their final trek to destroy Lord Voldemort and his horcruxes. Will they be successful? Will Ron and Hermione hook up? And will Faramir ever realize he is not a hobbit? Find out here.
1. Chapter 1

Harry Potter

And The

Seventh Book

(This is completely a parody of the Harry Potter books and in no way reflects the thoughts or feelings of J.K. Rowling or the movies, books, shows, plays, and characters associated within this book.)

Written By: Me (Jaime Guerra) and My Cat (Oreo Guerra)

Chapter 1: The Dursley's

An hour after the end of the funeral, it was time for Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, and Ron Weasley to start their final trek which started at the Dursley's home. Harry had to say good-bye and felt relieved that he wouldn't have to be going to that crappy house again. Ginny Weasley came too because she really liked Harry and wanted to make sure he didn't go off and snog with some other girl. Ron didn't like his sister tagging along because she smelled funny. Hermione, on the other hand, enjoyed Ginny's aroma saying that it was better than Ron's shitty smell. And so now we follow our heroes on their quest to destroy the one ring…I mean to destroy the one Dark Lord…

"Why does _she_ have to tag along?!" whined Ron to Harry after Ginny stepped on his gigantic foot.

"Because she's hot for me, Ron!!" retorted an angry Harry, who was finding Ron's incessive whining quite annoying. Hermione wasn't paying attention to either of them. She was wondering how on earth they were going to get to the Dursley's house when the writer himself forgot to mention how they were traveling or even how they left the scene of the funeral back at Hogwarts.

"Guys?" she asked.

"Yes?" chimed Ginny.

"How are we supposed to get to the Dursley's? That idiot Jaime forgot to mention how we traveled!"

OH YEAH!! I almost forgot to say that the four of them walked from the funeral place at the lake to thestral-carried carriages that took them to the Hogwart's Express at Hogsmeade Station. Once at this station, they bummed a ride back into London. From London, they traveled by cab to Number 4, Privet Drive even though they could have done it a lot faster with broomsticks or aparating. _There_! You happy, Hermione?!?!

"Yes! Much better! Now that we are here at the Dursley's house, let's walk inside." yipped Hermione. Harry walked straight in without knocking and found a nasty surprise on the kitchen table: Uncle Vernon snogging Aunt Petunia. Harry cleared his throat and both his aunt and uncle gave a startled cry of startledness.

"How'd you get in?!" Roared Uncle Vernon with the vein on the side of his head clearly visible and pulsating with rage.

"I…uh…I let myself in," said Harry.

"You're ugly!" roared Uncle Vernon, clearly angry. Aunt Petunia gave a satisfied smirk since she thought Harry would have no comeback to this horrible insult Uncle Vernon had thrown at him.

Harry bit his lip trying to hold in his rage.

"And your glasses suck ass!" Harry had to try really hard not to make some kind of a retort at this one. The ugly comment hurt but insulting his glasses was just not kosher. Harry fought back tears but still remained silent, glaring at his aunt and uncle as if he thought he had eyes that could melt them. All of a sudden there was a loud _BANG_, and Dobby the house-elf aparated into the Dursley's home. He proceeded to give Uncle Vernon a wet-willy and then also gave Aunt Petunia an atomic wedgie. And with another _BANG_, he was gone.

"Blimey," chirped Ron. "I was just about to do that myself."

"No you weren't!" scowled Ginny.

"I'm Hermione," said Hermione to the wall she was standing in front of. Everyone turned and looked at Hermione, turned and looked at each other, and then turned and looked at Hermione again before shrugging. Apparently, they felt Hermione was just strange and liked talking to inanimate objects.

"Nice comeback!" snorted Aunt Petunia to Harry, ignoring everything that had just occurred because she is old and forgets things easily.

Harry suddenly turned to Aunt Petunia and pulled out his wand.

"You're not allowed to do magic outside of that place you all go to to do stuff because then you'll get kicked out of that place of stuff-doing!" bellowed Uncle Vernon. "BWAHAAHAHAHA!!"

Harry glared at his aunt, pointed his wand at her, and yelled out, "_MUSTACHE-EEEO_!!" and a huge dark-haired mustache appeared under his aunt's nose that was hairier than Uncle Vernon's.

"Holy shit!!" roared Uncle Vernon. "You've mustached my wife!!"

Harry then pointed his wand at his uncle and cried out, "_SHRUNKEN WINKYO_!!" With this, his uncle let out a scream of pain and hit the floor. Aunt Petunia rushed over to him and pulled his pants and man-thong down. Just as she had suspected: his winky was now the size of a small tack. Petunia let out a gasp of horror as she saw this.

"OH MY!! You've shrunken winky-ed my husband!!" she cried to Harry.

"Yeah," said Harry smugly. "Now he's got a small winky and you've got a hairy mustache." Ron and Ginny could not repress their laughter as they started howling with glee and started rolling around on the ground with laughter. Harry felt like for once the Dursley's were getting what they deserved.

"…hahaha, no no. I am only seventeen!" laughed Hermione. "Hahaha, you are very silly." Everyone turned to Hermione and realized that she was still talking to the wall.

"Daaamn! That shit is whack!" declared Ronald Weasley. Ginny nodded her head and Harry just rolled his eyes. Uncle Vernon squinted his eyes in the fashion he always did because he just liked to do that and Aunt Petunia just gave a look of surprise, shock, and other stuff.

"I love you, Wally!!" said Hermione in a high-pitch voice unlike her normal one. Harry pointed his wand at Hermione and yelled, "_STOP TALKING TO WALLS-EEEO_!!" and a bright red light bolted from the tip of his wand and slammed right into the side of Hermione's face. The force of the spell knocked her into the wall, but then she recovered herself and looked around at the others.

"Why are you all looking at me?" inquired Hermione. "Do I have something hanging out of my nose?" Ron just snorted and Ginny blushed. Harry looked at Hermione and told her to stop talking to inanimate objects and then he looked back at his aunt and uncle. They looked at him. He looked at them. They continued to look at him. He raised his right eyebrow. Uncle Vernon squinted his eyes even more. Harry raised the left eyebrow. Aunt Petunia licked her mustache. Harry raised both eyebrows at her and gave her a disgusted look. She continued to lick her mustache. Uncle Vernon pulled his man-thong and pants back on. Hermione looked at his man-thong as if she wanted one. Ron gave her a disturbed look. Ginny felt left out and so she shot Harry a nasty look, but he wasn't paying attention to her since he was still watching his aunt lick her mustache.

"Touche," muttered Ginny. Harry continued to watch his aunt lick her mustache. Uncle Vernon continued to squint his eyes. Hermione day-dreamed about wearing a man-thong. Ron envisioned Hermione in just a thong. Ginny turned to Ron and smacked him alongside his head.

"Sorry," muttered Ron. "Couldn't help myself." Harry looked away from his aunt and instead turned to his uncle. Uncle Vernon looked at him. Aunt Petunia looked at her mustache. All of a sudden, Dudley appeared at the front door with his gang. Dudley looked at his gang. His gang looked at his father's unzipped pants. Hermione was still day-dreaming. Dudley's gang looked at Hermione. Hermione still day-dreamed. Ron looked at the gang. The gang looked at Ron. Ginny looked at the gang too but no one noticed her because she is just an extra in this book.

"HEY!! I don't want to be just an extra!!" Ginny wasn't happy about being an extra, so I lied and told her she was a main character again and so she was happy. Hermione was still lost in her day-dream.

"Why the bloody hell is _he_ here?!?" moaned Dudley to his mother and father while pointing at Harry. "And who the hell are all these people?"

"And why are _we_ here when we are just extras?" asked Dudley's gang. Dudley looked at his gang and scratched his head.

"Why are you guys here?" he asked them. They shrugged and looked at Harry. Harry looked at them. They had a staring contest and Harry won. Harry is pretty damn good at staring at people until they pee in their pants. Embarrassed with themselves, the gang ran off screaming and crying because they are extras and do what they're told to do. Dudley watched as his gang abandoned him in his own house. Dudley looked as if he was going to cry but then didn't because I did not write in this book that he cried. Dudley felt a little awkward here. Hermione was a lost cause; there was no getting her back from her day-dreaming that had caused her to hum quietly to herself and drool and foam at the mouth. Harry felt a little weird in house Number 4, Privet Drive, for once. He felt as if he didn't belong here and wanted to leave. Although, he always felt that way in this house, so my last couple of sentences didn't make too much sense.

Anyway, the story must continue away from the Dursley's house so the scene here has to pick it up a little bit in terms of speed. Harry helped his uncle to his feet with great amounts of effort since his uncle was FAT!! Aunt Petunia just watched him struggle with Uncle Vernon and stroked her mustache and tried to see past her enormous and pointy nose. Dudley walked into the kitchen since no one was paying any attention to him. He ate some cake and became fatter. After a while, he became sooo fat that he could not get out of the kitchen…just kidding. He didn't eat that much.

Anyway, Uncle Vernon now glared at Harry.

"What _are_ you doing here?!?" he demanded of Harry.

"I live here too. Remember?!" retorted Harry. Aunt Petunia came over and stood next to her short, but still pretty fat, husband. She was tall and lanky but not in a good way.

"I think this dirty boy has forgotten who took him in and raised him when they didn't have to, Vernon!" she told her husband whilst glaring and scowling at her nephew.

"Right, thanks." said Harry.

"I think you should be a little more kinder to us, you little shit-head!" roared Uncle Vernon. "I mean, after-all, we did raise you as my beautiful wife just said!"

"Right, well I appreciate it and all but I won't need your raising-me-ness anymore. I am going to go find a way to kill Voldemort and I won't be needing your home anymore."

"You hear that, Petunia?! The little runt thinks he can make it on his own!" Vernon told Petunia.

"Well I think we should let him try, Vernon." She told her husband. "Because once he gets himself killed, he won't have to live here anymore!"

"Agreed." agreed Uncle Vernon.

"Right then, bye." said Harry and with that he walked into the kitchen, raised his wand, pointed it at Dudley, and shouted, "_ASS FACE-EEEO_!!" And with a loud _BANG! _Dudley's face turned into an ass with the crack right down the middle of his face.

"PBSST-HEY!!" roared Dudley. "PBSTT-WHAT THE PBSTT-HELL?!" And with a smile the size of his face, Harry walked out of the kitchen, past his aunt and uncle, and out of Number 4, Privet Drive for the last time ever. Ginny, Ron, and Hermione raced out of the house after Harry and overtook him.

"You didn't have to do that to poor Dudley!" snapped Hermione.

"Yeah, and you didn't have to talk to walls!" retaliated Harry. Hermione shut her mouth and remained silent for a long time. The four of them now had to make their way to the Weasley house. The only question was how to get there. They didn't have broomsticks and they couldn't aparate in a muggle street where muggles could see them. Harry sat down on the curb to think. The other three followed suit, although they had no idea why they were doing it. They weren't used to thinking so early in the book. They hadn't really experienced Chapter 1 before and the task was eating away at them. Ron kept thinking to himself, _why did we have to be in Chapter 1?!?! WHY?!?! _Hermione decided that thinking so early in the book had to be illegal or something like that. And Ginny was just glad to be in the book.

_There's got to be a way to get to the Weasley house!_ thought Harry. _There's just gotta be!_ He racked his brain for any clue as to how to get there without muggles seeing them. It was just then that it hit him that he had his Invisibility Cloak in his pocket. But then he realized that there were four of them this time and surely the cloak wasn't big enough for the four of them.

After a time, _BANG_! And out popped Lupin who had just aparated in front of them.

"Hello Harry, Hermione, Ginny, and Ron!" He beamed cheerfully. "I am here to aparate you four to the Weasley house for the wedding of Fleur and Bill!!" And with that, he aparated them to the Weasley house where Mr. and Mrs. Weasley were waiting with large grins on their faces. Crookshanks was out in the garden chasing bludgers, and Hedwig was after the golden snitch. Ron's little owl Pigwidgeon was sun-bathing on a nearby yard chair. And Ginny doesn't get an owl in this book because she is still an extra.

"Welcome home!!" beamed Mrs. Weasley to the four of them as she gave each a huge hug. And Mr. Weasley shook Harry's hand while punching Ron in the rib cage for absolutely no reason.

Now our three heroes and one extra were at the Weasley house ready for the next part of their journey…


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: Servants of Evil

As Samwise and Gollum whined over what should be considered really yummers to eat with regards to raw or steamed fish, Frodo thought he heard some weird bird calls coming from the trees way ahead. He went to see what was making that loud and odd racket. What he saw was not only weird but was also very alarming: Southron Men armed and walking as if they were headed somewhere.

By this time, Sam and Gollum had noticed Frodo's absence and they ran off to see where he had gone to. They found him lying on a hill looking down at the Southrons.

"Who are they?" asked Sam as Frodo ate some Cheetohs from his pocket.

"Wicked men," uttered Gollum while Sam ordered a pizza from Domino's on his cell phone. "Servants of Sauron. They are called to Mordor. The Dark One is calling all armies to him. It won't be long now. He will soon be ready."

"Ready to do what?" asked a shocked and terrified, yet hungry, Sam. Frodo just continued to look at these evil men and eat his Cheetohs. They wore something black around their mouths and also wore reddish clothing. They were really weird looking and Frodo had to try hard not to laugh at their silly attire. Sam punched Frodo in the face and that made Frodo stop grinning.

"To make his war," claimed Gollum who had just received a text message from some girl he had forgotten to call last Friday night. "The last war that'll cover all the world in shadow." At this, Frodo became quite nervous and told Sam that they had to go now. Sam, however, didn't budge.

"Mr. Frodo, look: an olephant. No one at home'll believe this!" Frodo watched as two olephants became visible below them. All of a sudden, they saw arrows fly from the trees toward the Southrons and Frodo realized that they were not the only ones watching these men.

Gollum had just wandered off at the sound of those weird bird calls because he was afraid it was the ugly girl wanting to know why he hadn't called her since they went out two weeks ago, when all of a sudden _BANG! _And out popped Severus Snape and Draco Malfoy who had just aparated there. A few Death Eaters were also there having aparated with Snape and Malfoy.

"Holy crap, man!" howled Draco with fury burning in his fiery eyes. "Where the hell have you aparated us to? I knew I shouldn't have trusted you! You are old and….and weird-looking…and not cool like me! Only I can aparate correctly because I have blond hair and look good in these robes! You…you…you suck!" Snape seemed stunned by this but regained himself quickly.

He pointed his wand at Draco's mouth and yelled, "_SHUT-UP-EEEO_!" A bright orange light zoomed off the tip of his wand and nailed Draco right in the mouth. Then Draco was silent, but still glared at Snape because he liked glaring at people glaringly. Then Snape turned to Gollum and pointed his wand at him. He then yelled, "_STUPID-EEEO_!" But nothing happened. Snape was shocked. He was confused as to how the spell had not worked on this small creature. Surely he couldn't already be stupid enough that the spell did nothing to him since you can't have negative intelligence. However, it seemed as though it was just that and the creature Gollum was just pretty dumb. Snape glared at Gollum. Gollum stared right back at him, clearly confused as to what was going on but relieved to know that Snape was not that ugly chick. Draco glared at Snape but Snape was already in the middle of glaring at Gollum. Gollum looked at Draco. Draco raised an eyebrow at Gollum. Snape scratched his butt. Both Draco and Gollum turned and looked at Snape with disgusted expressions on their faces.

All of a sudden, Frodo and Sam came running over. So did Faramir and his rangers. And then the pizza delivery guy came out of the woods and gave Samwise his large pizza and 2-liter bottle of Pepsi. Samwise gave the delivery guy an American $20 bill and the delivery guy took the money and gave Sam his change. Sam then turned with his dinner and walked off.

"What?!" raged the angry delivery guy. "Nooo tip?!?!"

"Maybe next time you won't show up late," mumbled an already pizza-filled-mouth Samwise Gamgee. And with that, the delivery guy stormed off back into the woods.

Faramir looked at Frodo. Frodo looked at Gollum. Gollum was still disturbed by Snape's earlier butt-scratching. Snape looked at Faramir. Faramir looked at Snape.

"That's a nice…uh…bow you have there," Snape told Faramir.

"Thanks," replied Faramir. "That's a nice…uh…wand you have there. Where'd you get it?"

"Diagon Alley in London."

"Ahhh, I've never heard of it. Me and my men just came after those two small creatures right there." And he pointed at Frodo and Sam.

"Ahhh, well we just aparated here by mistake." said an embarrassed Snape.

"Ahhh, well this is a little awkward." said an awkward-feeling Faramir. He obviously was just confused by this whole situation and wished to be back in bed with his lovely teddy bear named Stellula. Ahhh, Stellula! What an awesome bear! She was bright neon pink and had two marble eyes and had on a St. Louis Cardinals baseball shirt. Faramir loved that bear. But he also loved the St. Louis Cardinals. He felt they were the greatest team in all of American baseball history. But that is neither here nor there.

Samwise stuffed his face with his large pizza and downed a swig from his 2-liter bottle of Pepsi. Frodo tried to grab a piece of pizza but Sam grabbed Frodo's arm and tore it clean-off and started beating him with it. Faramir turned to his hundreds of rangers and told them to take the two hobbits…er…small creatures and bind their hands. After that had been accomplished a longtime later since Sam was still beating Frodo with his own arm, he turned to Snape, saluted him and said, "You have a small penis."

"Thanks," said Snape. "At least I have one. Good luck with whatever you lonely men are going to be doing with those poor little defenseless creatures here alone in the woods." And with that, Faramir and his rangers gave Snape the finger and then took the two hobbits and walked out of the scene and off of this page. With that done, Snape turned to Gollum and then for the first time spotted an olephant.

"Olephants!!" gasped a really happy Snape overcome with happiness and things of that nature. He turned to Gollum and told him to get the olephants to come over here. Gollum nodded and then ran off toward the olephants. He motioned to the Southrons in charge of the olephants that Snape wanted to see the large creatures and evil-looking and armed men over here. The olephants and Southrons walked over to Snape.

"Yeah," said a bored olephant in olephant-tongue, which would look something like this for 'yeah': ooollleepphantt! "What do you want?" which would look like this: "ollle ollle ollllephant banana?"

Snape somehow knew how to speak olephant-tongue. He said this to the olephants: "I want you to join up with us and fight for the Dark Lord Voldemort." And that would look something like this: "phant phant blah blah blah Mustafa."

Meanwhile, back at the Burrow, our three heroes and one extra were enjoying themselves whilst Mr. and Mrs. Weasley asked them about their adventures.

"Are you alright, dear?" asked a sympathetic Mrs. Weasley to Harry after hearing about the little incident at the Dursley's house on Number 4, Privet Drive.

"Yes, ma'am," said a polite-sounding Harry. "I am glad to be rid of the Dursleys forever." Hermione shot Ron a nasty look at this time since Ron was smiling rather largely wanting to do his impersonation of the butt-faced Dudley. Ginny also kicked Ron in the foot.

"Ouch!" yelled Ron. "Blimey, you kicked me!" So Ron poked Ginny in the eye with his right index finger.

"Ronald Weasley!" bellowed a red-faced Mrs. Weasley. "Don't you ever let me see you do that again!"

"Yes, Mum," muttered Ron gloomily as Ginny rubbed her good eye for absolutely no reason other than the fact that extras forget what they're supposed to be doing when they are not speaking. Hermione chose to utter some brilliant words of wisdom at this point in time.

"I want a red man-thong for Christmas," she beamed. Mr. and Mrs. Weasley gave her stunned looks because they were quite stunned at this unusual statement by a usually brilliant young witch.

"She's gone mad," uttered Ron under his breath to Harry. Harry began to laugh. He thought it was really funny trying to picture Hermione in a red man-thong. Ginny also pictured Hermione in this man-thong and she began to drool at the mouth. But she realized this before anyone else did and stopped the drooling immediately. She then decided to change the subject.

"Hermione wants a red man-thong for Christmas," she beamed. Hmmmm…not exactly what I had thought she would say. Harry looked at her and then closed his eyes. But when he opened them, his wish had not come true: Ginny was still standing right there. It was at this precise time when Fred and George Weasley walked in. They looked at each other. Mr. Weasley looked at Ron. Ron looked at Harry. Harry looked at Harry….I mean Hermione. Hermione looked at George. George looked at Lupin. Lupin then realized he was needed in this scene and ran into the picture. He looked at Tonks, but she was still outside. Lupin wasn't happy. Fred scratched his shoulder. George ate a chocolate frog. Ron started grooming Hermione and licking her hair. Ginny had red hair. Harry wore glasses. Crookshanks began to meow and purr and rubbed up against Harry's leg. Harry grabbed Crookshanks and threw him at the door. Unfortunately, Hedwig had just come in and got nailed by the just-thrown Crookshanks. Both cat and owl hit the door with a _THUD_ and then hit the ground with a _SPLAT_. Then Harry's cell phone rang and he answered it.

"Hello?" he asked the cell phone.

"Hello, Clarice," chimed the person to Harry.

"I'm not…" Harry began.

"I know what you did last summer," interrupted the low voice.

"So do I," muttered an irritated Harry.

"I'd love to stay and chat longer but I'm having an old friend for dinner. Byyye," said the low voice and he hung up on Harry. Harry was confused by this call. Who knew his cell phone number? And above that, who would think his name was Clarice? _Harry_ was in no way close to _Clarice_! Harry shuddered to think what that call meant. And then he looked back at all the people in the house who were now looking at him as if he were a complete stranger.

"Jiminy jilickers, Radioactive Man!" cried Hermione.

"Um, Hermione," muffled Ron. "Who the blazes are you talking to?" She then lost her train of thought and stopped talking. So did Ron because he was just really confused by this whole situation. Lupin was crying now because Tonks was twenty feet away and he missed her. Fred and George had left the scene because they were bored. Mr. and Mrs. Weasley got up from their seats and walked away because they too were bored of this scene. Lupin then ran outside towards Tonks and forgot to open the door and slammed right into it. Ginny walked outside because she wanted to play out there or something like that.

So, we leave our three heroes in the Burrow house stunned, quiet, and confused, and instead pay closer attention to our extra: Ginny Weasley. She had wandered outside and had walked a good several miles from the Burrow when she heard something coming from the river that magically appeared there.

"…Get out of the way, Dopey!" called a voice that didn't sound at all British. Ginny moved a bit closer to see where the sound had come from and realized that the voice came from a man with short, blond hair and a hat on that had teeth lined along the top of it. He had a vest that looked scaly, as if it had been the scales of a crocodile or some other large reptile. He was wearing kaki pants and a dirty-looking, blue long-sleeved, button-up shirt. He was holding what looked like a young crocodile. He did some weird humming and finger motion that appeared to have knocked out the young reptile. As he was setting the crocodile down, he caught a glimpse of Ginny. "G'day, mate," he said to her.

"Hu..hu..hullo," uttered a shy Ginny. "Who… who…who are you?" she managed to ask the man who had just been holding a young crocodile.

"Mick Dundee from Australia. How are ya?" asked the new character.

"I'm g-good, I suppose. My name is Ginny Weasley.".…

And now we return to Snape and the olephants…

"Ahhh, Mustafa…wee wee." Olephanted the olephants together triumphantly. "However, we are already working for the Dark Lord Sauron." Or in olephant language: "Black bird singing in the tree."

"I implore you to reconsider." Chimed Snape. Which would look like this: "Little monkeys."

"Ummmmm…ooookay!!" said the olephants in unison, or in olephant words, "Baboons have blue butts!!" So the olephants agreed to work for Voldemort and talked the Southrons to do so too by threatening to trample them in the night if they refused. And so Gollum looked on still confused by the whole situation. Snape saw this and explained to Gollum what was going on like this: "We…ap-ar-at-ed…here…by mistake. We…are taking…the big creatures and…men-like things…with us…to Lord Voldemort." Gollum thought Snape was crazy and looked at him like he was a rather unusual-looking monkey. But nonetheless, Gollum nodded his head and walked away towards the area the rangers had taken the hobbits.

Snape and Malfoy helped the olephants and Southroners aparate to Lord Voldemort and then they too aparated with the Death Eaters to their Dark Lord ruler who ruled them rulingly.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: More Dementor Attacks

With the room now completely empty, Harry, Hermione, and Ron had the chance to talk amongst themselves. They knew that after the wedding of Ron's eldest brother, they would have to set off on a journey that could claim all three of their lives.

Harry closed his hand around the fake Horcrux and chose to begin the conversation. "At least Hermione has stopped talking to walls!" He proclaimed. Ron and Hermione both nodded silently. "And at least none of us have an ass for a head!" he added. Hermione shot him an angry look. She knew he was talking about his fat cousin, Dudley.

"He may have deserved that ass for a face, Harry," she said angrily. "But no one deserves an ass for a face!" Ron started to talk on Harry's behalf, but Hermione shot him a glance that made him stop cold.

"Dudley got what he deserved," Harry said stiffly. "I do not feel any remorse for what I did to him." Hermione bit her lip, clearly trying to prevent herself from blowing up on Harry. However, she was not good at it, and her face soon turned purple because she had tried so hard not to yell at Harry that she had forgotten to breathe. All of a sudden, her eyes shot out of their sockets and rolled on the ground twenty feet away from her. She hadn't noticed. She told Harry, "I'll be keeping my eye on you, boy!" Harry pointed to his eyes and told Hermione to touch her own eyes. She felt the empty sockets. "Damnit!" she yelled. "I hate it when they fucking do that!" Ron walked over to her eyes and picked them up. He then walked to Hermione and handed her back her eyes. She took them from him and placed them in her empty eye sockets. She then blinked and looked up into Ron's face. It was as if she hadn't seen him before. She then grabbed the back of his head and pulled it down to her face and started snogging him with her mouth wide open and her tongue rolling around in his mouth like an eel. After about 20 minutes of the two of them snogging, Harry finally pulled them off of each other.

"Ok ok, that's enough of that," he told them, though it was clear that he was grinning widely at the prospect of his two best friends dating each other. "There is no more snogging allowed in my presence. If you want to do that, then I propose going to another room to do it." Hermione grabbed Ron's shirt and started walking off towards another room. Harry grabbed Hermione's arm and stopped her. "But not right now," he told her, as tears started to swell up in her eyes due to the fact that she was not allowed to snog with Ron right now. "We have work to do first."

Meanwhile, Ginny had befriended Mick Dundee of Australia and so now he and his companions (Walter Reilly, Sue Charlton, and Neville Bell) were on their side fighting against Lord Voldemort. The five of them (Ginny, Mick, and Mick's three mates that were with him at this point in time) all headed out towards the Burrow. Just as these five were headed down a dark alleyway, a host of some hundred and fifty dementors came towards them…the climate grew very cold and all the happiness seemed to have been sucked out of each of them but just then Ginny got an idea. She pulled her cell phone out of her pocket.

"Who you gonna call?" Mick asked her.

"Ghostbusters," she said with a smile on her face as the Ghosbuster theme song started blasting in the background. A few moments later a white car with flashing lights and a red "Ghostbusters" painted on the doors came blitzing into the scene. Four men came out of the car and got their equipment ready. Right as they got their proton packs on their back, another fifty identical white cars came blitzing into the alleyway. Four men came out of each car. These new two hundred characters were also Ghostbusters. There were now many of them to combat these new evil times. They pummeled the dementors with their proton packs, trapped them all in their ghostbuster ghost 'traps', and two hundred four Ghostbusters now joined sides with Ginny, Mick Dundee, and Mick's friends. So two hundred nine people drove off to the Burrow from the alleyway. They parked their cars around back and were met with excited faces.

Mrs. Weasley, Harry, Ron, and Hermione approached Ginny and Mick and Mick's friends and the two hundred four Ghostbusters. They were smiling largely and there were tears in their eyes.

"The makings of our very own army," Ginny beamed.

However, the good guys were not the only ones developing an army. Lord Voldemort now had thirty olephants in his army thanks to Snape and Gollum. Gollum too had been convinced to come over to the dark side, not that that was hard or anything. And another three hundred olephants as well as thousands of Southron men were going to be joining the Dark Lord shortly. Saruman too was massing an army worthy of Voldemort. He had ten thousand Uruk-hai warriors ready for battle and some thousands were being made each new day. Sauron, however, was not pleased that his forces were being taken by Lord Voldemort and so he was raising an army in secret and had some of the olephants in Voldemort's army actually working for him and not Voldemort. (Sauron and Lord Voldemort are going to fight each other in one of the next chapters. dun…dun…dun…)

Well, now we return to Faramir, his rangers, and the two hobbits.

"I'm a hobbit," Frodo told Faramir. Faramir looked at Frodo. Frodo looked at Faramir. Sam looked at the leprechaun who had appeared by the Lucky Charms cereal box. But then the leprechaun vanished.

"This is one fucked up book," Sam said under his breath. He turned and realized that Frodo and Faramir were looking at each other. Both were squinting their eyes at each other. Sam looked from Frodo to Faramir and then from Faramir back to Frodo and then back to Faramir. Yep, they were both looking at each other all right. Sam was shocked.

"Apparently he's a hobbit," one of Faramir's rangers said to Faramir.

"And I'm a…man?" Faramir asked this ranger. The ranger nodded. "I see," said Faramir. "And he's a hobbit?" he asked pointing to Frodo. The ranger nodded. "And I'm a man?" The ranger nodded sullenly again. Then Faramir squinted his eyes. "Well then what is he?" he asked pointing to Frodo. The ranger told him that Frodo was a hobbit. "Ok, so what am I?" The ranger told Faramir that he was a man. "Ok, so I'm a hobbit?"

"NO!! DAMNIT!! You are a man! And Frodo is a hobbit!!" yelled the ranger.

"Ok," said Faramir. "So what am I again?" The ranger was extremely pissed off right now and so he punched Faramir in the stomach and walked away. "So I'm a man then?" Faramir asked the leaving ranger but to no avail since the ranger was gone now.

"I'm a hobbit," repeated Frodo. Faramir looked at Frodo. Frodo looked at Faramir. Sam was sitting now. The two of them stared at each other for a good several seconds. Then another ranger came into the scene.

"Lord Faramir," he called to Faramir. "Gondor calls for reinforcements."

"He's a hobbit," Sam pleaded to Faramir. "Please, help him!"

"Captain!"

"Prepare to leave," Faramir told the ranger and the ranger departed. Sam looked at Faramir. Faramir looked at Frodo. Frodo looked at the wall. The wall looked at Frodo. Then Sam looked at the wall, and so did Faramir.

"I'm Wally the Lord of the Walls," the wall told the three of them.

"Damn, this shit is whack," Sam said aloud this time.

"Yeah, this is some pretty fucked up shit right here," said Faramir.

"I was Colonel Tavington in the movie the Patriot with Mel Gibson and so I was turned into a wall for this crappy book. Damn karma!" the wall told the three of them. They turned and left the talking wall and headed out of the caves. It was at this point in time when Captain Faramir, son of the Steward of Gondor who had impregnated Faramir's mother some time ago to give rise to Faramir, realized that the ring could not save Gondor and had a hole in the middle of it so you could place it on your finger if you felt so inclined as to do so. He turned to Frodo and knelt down beside him but still had to look down at Frodo since Frodo was incredibly short.

"I think at last, Frodo Baggins, we understand one another," he told the hobbit. "You must go into Mordor and destroy that one ring, the ring that, if taken by the Dark Lord Sauron, could cover the world in shadow. Go now and rid us of this evil or I will eat you because I am rather hungry at the moment and you look tasty." Faramir stood back up, turned, and walked away with great difficulty seeing as he was still rather hungry and wanted to eat Frodo; perhaps some other day he would eat the hobbits but not today. He caught up with his rangers who all looked befuddled at the absence of the two hobbits.

"Shall I go retrieve them?" asked one of the rangers.

"No," Faramir told them. "There's not much meat on them. They wouldn't feed all of us. Plus, the ring cannot save us now: there's a hole in the middle of it. Come…to Osgilliath." Faramir and his rangers walked on towards the border city of Osgilliath: the last garrison of protection for Minas Tirith. They walked on until they finally came upon the garrison city some time later. The city had smoke issuing out from certain buildings.

"Mordor has come," muffled one ranger. Another ranger slapped that one across the face.

"Of course Mordor has come, you big idiot! We knew that before we left! It was the knowledge of the arrival of Mordor that brought us here in the first place…damn stupid people. They're so frickin' stupid!"

Faramir looked on in horror before finally realizing he was looking the wrong way and was actually just watching a bear eat a small child. He told his five hundred rangers to follow him into the city. They got there and met with the soldiers already trying to fight off Mordor.

"They stopped their attack about a few hours back," said a soldier to Faramir and his men. "Something or someone has drawn them away from Gondor and back into Mordor." Faramir looked at the soldier with sympathy in his eyes. He looked at his men and the ravaged city of Osgilliath.

"Send a rider to my father and make sure he's on a horse because if he is riding without a horse, then that would just be really weird," he told the soldier. "Tell him Faramir calls for more men and the portable television set. The Cardinals are playing the Astros tonight and I want to see how they do." The soldier nodded and hurried off and ran right into a random light post that was randomly just put in a random place in the city for apparently some random reason. Wow, how random was that sentence? Faramir turned to his rangers. "Men," he said to them. "I am a man…and not a hobbit." His men all nodded and there was a slight murmur circulating throughout the men. Apparently some had thought he was a hobbit. "It has been an honor fighting with you and if these are to be our last days on this world, then let us not fall without a good fight! If we should fall, we will do so with courage and honor! For Gondor!!" His men all shouted at this and raised their bows, and eyebrows, skyward. Faramir looked around at his men now with sadness. He was afraid of the trials that lay ahead; especially the Michael Jackson trial. Not all of his men would be returning home; he didn't even know if he would be returning. He wished his older brother Boromir were here to offer hope to a country that had seemed to lose all signs of it. But he wasn't and if he was well then no one yet knew about it, so it was up to Faramir to bring hope to his brethren here in Gondor. It was fallen onto him to sacrifice for the good of many. He sent his men to guard the city and made sure that the two hundred soldiers already in the city were strong and able to fight. He did this by punching them and if they stayed standing, then they were strong and able to fight. He checked on the horses and made sure they were ready in case a need should arise for a quick escape to the capital city of Gondor: Minas Tirith, the city his father, the Steward of Gondor, dwelled in. Everything was set and ready for the war that loomed in the distance: the war of all wars.

A little while later, the rider came back from Minas Tirith. He had with him the portable television set and about sixty men on horseback. Faramir was overwhelmed with excitement because now he could watch the Cardinals game! And oh yeah, he also had more men. So now there were about seven hundred sixty men guarding the city: five hundred rangers, and about two hundred sixty Gondorian soldiers. Faramir was quite pleased with the forces they now had guarding this all-too-important city of Gondor. And now he had the chance to watch the baseball game. He and the men all gathered around as they watched the Cardinals pummel the Astros by the score of 11-3. Then they all got ready for bed except for the sentries who had to stand guard and make sure they weren't attacked during the night. Everyone else, though, went to bed with no idea what was happening in Mordor or with Lord Voldemort, whom they hadn't even heard of yet.

As they slept, the enemy made preparations for war. Sauron was angry that his Southron men and olephants had joined up forces with this Lord Voldemort, or whatever they called him. He wanted his traitor men to pay but he also wanted to rid himself of this Lord Voldemort. So he started really massing his army. He still held about fifty olephants, each equipped with about seventy-five Southron archers. He also had the men of Rhun. These men had come to him from the country of Rhun and were highly equipped with both armor and weaponry. They were fierce warriors and he had about ten thousand of them. In all, Sauron commanded about 220,000 in his army. Of which, there were a good twenty thousand men and about another two hundred thousand orc warriors. He still had about fifty olephants on top of that, nine Ring Wraiths, and a few hundred trolls. His force was large and was now ready for his attack on Lord Voldemort. Sauron had heard that Saruman had traded sides and was now with Lord Voldemort, so Sauron decided to first make his war with Saruman and take him out and then take on Lord Voldemort. So with that, he and his troops started marching towards Isengard.

Back in Isengard, Saruman caught wind of Sauron's plans on attacking him. He panicked and asked Lord Voldemort for assistance. So Lord Voldemort began getting his Death Eaters ready for the war against Sauron. He commanded a large number of Death Eaters: about seventy-five thousand of them (75,000). They all had wands but would be rendered useless in hand-to-hand combat. So Voldemort decided to make them ready for this close-up war: he conjured up armor and horses for each of them. Also, since swords can be just as helpful as wands, he made a spell that transformed their wands into swords. So the wands became rather long and sharp. But they also still held onto the powers that a wand has. So these weapons could still be used as large wands, but could also be used as swords. He called them "swonds" and each Death Eater was given a sheath for their swonds. He also gave each Death Eater a bow and several arrows, at least fifty each. Upon the point of each arrow was placed the _Avada Kedavra_ curse so that as soon as one of these arrows punctured the flesh, that person was killed via the curse. It didn't matter where the person was hit because they would die no matter where the wound was made, or at least be mortally wounded. Each horse was fully armored and had a pointy spike on their snouts. The Death Eaters were also all given some chain mail in order to keep themselves from becoming wounded too badly. Voldemort also decided to take the olephants and Southron men into battle. He put the same curse on the points of all the arrows of the Southron archers on top of the olephants. He also had a few other tricks up his sleeve that he was ready to use once the time came. So now Lord Voldemort was ready for war, and he and his troops made their way to Isengard by marching and not by disapparating, his Death Eaters riding on horseback alongside them.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4: War Begins

With Faramir and the rangers gone, Samwise and Frodo now had to make their way into Mordor alone. However, they weren't too alone because Gollum had also caught up with them and was showing them the secret way into Mordor. Samwise still didn't like Gollum much because Sam was afraid that this creature was too ugly to be trusted.

"Ugly people aren't kosher," Samwise told Frodo one morning. "They're just too damn ugly. Especially Gollum! He's so frocking ugly it makes my stomach ache!" Frodo too thought that Gollum was ugly, but he maintained that they needed the creature Gollum to help navigate them into the land of Mordor.

"Without him we're lost!" he told Sam angrily. "I need you on my side, Sam."

"I am on your side, Mr. Frodo,"

"I know, Sam. I know. Trust me as you once did. Let it go,"

"Well alright, but his ugliness better not be contagious! I don't want to be fat AND ugly!" Frodo smiled at this. Sam was pretty fat. And Gollum was pretty ugly. And Frodo was just too damn good looking, or so Frodo thought. _I am a handsome devil!_ Frodo thought to himself. The two hobbits followed Gollum past the dead city of Minas Morgul, up these high and steep stairs, and into a dark tunnel where the spider Shelob dwelled.

"What is this?" Frodo asked Gollum in disdain and Gollum returned a confused expression to Frodo. "A center for bats?!?!...How can we be expected to get through the tunnel if we can't even see where we're going?"

Gollum was confused by this series of questions. He was dumb and stupid at the same time. He didn't know what to say. "It's just a tun.." he began.

"I don't wanna hear your excuses!" barked Frodo. "The tunnel's got to be at least…three times brighter than this!"

"He's absolutely right," said Sam. Gollum gave him a confused look as though he felt betrayed that Sam would take Frodo's side on this. Sam looked at Gollum, gave him a puzzled look showing that he too was confused by Frodo, and just shrugged his shoulders.

"I have a vision," Frodo began.

"So do I," beamed Gollum as he ran blindedly in the tunnel until he hit a wall. He then fell over and hit the ground unconsciously.

"Daaamn!" bellowed Sam. "That bitch is down!" Frodo nodded.

"Meh," sighed Frodo. "Let's move on, Sam, before the ugly bastard wakes up and makes us look at his ugly face some more." Sam smiled in agreement and trudged on with Frodo through the dark tunnel. They started realizing that this dark tunnel had all of this sticky white residue stuff all over the place. There were bones and bodies littered around the floor too. Plus, the tunnel had a horrid stink to it.

"Sam!" said a disdainful Frodo covering his nose.

"It wasn't me, I swear!!" Sam too covered his nose because the stench was pretty bad.

"Sorry about that," said an unfamiliar voice. Frodo and Sam looked puzzled at each other and then looked behind them. What they saw was very frightening: a very large spider (Shelob). "I'm sorry about the smell, but these orcs I had today did not agree with my stomach and I ran out of matches and candles a while back." Frodo and Sam did not know what to say.

"What smell?" asked Frodo. "You can barely notice it." And with that he turned to Sam and rolled his eyes. Sam gave Frodo a slight smirk. Shelob then looked around the tunnel.

"I'm also sorry about the tunnel. I would have picked up but I didn't know anyone was dropping in."

"That's aight," said Sam. "It'll linger."

"So, big spider thingy…are you going to eat us? Or can my friend and I be off?" Frodo asked Shelob.

"Well," thought Shelob. "I think I'll eat you two now."

"I implore you to reconsider." Frodo implored of the mighty creature.

"Ummmmm….oookay!" okayed Shelob. And so with that, the three of them made their way to Mordor: the two hobbits riding on top of Shelob like a horse. She got them almost out of her tunnel and then her legs broke, yes: all eight of them, and she couldn't move.

"Go on…without me!" she cried to them. "Don't be a hero, save yourselves!!"

"Okay," said Sam and he started walking away, but Frodo cast him a disgusted look.

"We're not going to leave you to die, Big Spider Thingy," he told Shelob. "We're going to carry you." And with that, Frodo beckoned Samwise to his side and they tried to hoist Shelob onto their shoulders. However, Shelob was a massive spider thingy and was far too heavy for the little hobbits to carry themselves. Unfortunately, hobbits aren't renowned for their intelligence and so they kept trying to carry Shelob until both of the hobbits' backs broke with a CRRR-AAACK!!

"Damn," said Sam. "My back just broke."

"Yeah," said Frodo. "Mine too. Meh, it could've been worse: we could have broken our backs carrying a large spider!"

He looked at Sam. Sam thought Frodo was extremely idiotic. However, Sam was no aeronautical engineer himself. He gave Frodo a dumb expression because he thought Frodo was dumb. Frodo kept looking at Sam. Then Sam broke the silence:

"We did break our backs while carrying a large spider, you fucking idiot!!"

"Oh," said Frodo. "Right. That explains why my back hurts and why I can't move either." Sam gave him a 'well duh' expression and then stopped talking. They were both laying on the ground on their stomachs now; their backs hurt too much to be doing otherwise. Shelob was also on the ground next to them on her stomach. None of the three of them could move, not one.

Just then, they heard noises coming from a little ways inside the tunnel.

"Oh crap!" yiped an exasperated Frodo. "Orcs!!"

"Everybody shut up!" Sam said in a fierce but low tone. "If no one makes a sound, then maybe they'll not see us and walk right by. After all, we're still inside the tunnel and it's still quite dark." Shelob and Frodo nodded in agreement and the three of them fell silent.

The voices grew louder and louder until they were right on them almost.

"You have a crappy golf swing, Orcus!" said one of the voices.

"No I don't!" raged an enraged orc. "I'll show you." He took out his sword and made a golf swing. The other orc was still not impressed. So the orc moved further up, right by Frodo's quiet head, and made another golf swinging motion with his sword. His sword sliced Frodo's head clean off and the head went flying into the wall about twenty feet in front of them all.

"Damn it, Frodo!! Stop losing your head!!" yelled Sam. The orcs were shocked by this outburst and suddenly looked down. They saw the headless body of Frodo with blood squirting out from the neck where the head used to be attached to. Then they saw Sam and the large spider thingy Shelob.

"Kill them!!" yelled the orc who had beheaded Frodo unintentionally. The two orcs pulled their swords and they ran at Sam stabbing him in the back. Sam let out a gasp and managed to tell one of the orcs that his mother was a whore, and then he died after the two orcs withdrew their blades and stabbed him again in the back. Then they went over to Shelob and kept stabbing her. She couldn't do anything since her legs were broken and she couldn't move. So she died, which was quite obvious since the orcs were stabbing her and she couldn't move and no one was left to come to her rescue. In other words, it would be kind of stupid to say she died since it was obvious that she was going to anyway. Once she was dead though, the two orcs searched the bodies to take anything worth stealing. When they got to Frodo, the orc named Orcus found the One Ring near the headless neck on the red-stained ground and took it.

"I know someone who'll really want this…my friend, Bob. He loooves rings!" he exclaimed emphatically.

"And I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico," said the other orc. The first orc seemed impressed by this last statement by his companion. He wished he had switched over to Geico, but alas, he was an orc and orcs are stupid…more so than hobbits, which is saying a lot.

The two orcs ran to Mordor with their prize possessions from the two hobbits and large spider thingy. This included the two hobbit swords, mithril, clothing, the elven cloaks, the food, all of Sam's cooking supplies, and the One Ring of Power that belonged to Sauron. Nothing they retrieved came from Shelob because she was naked at the time and was a large spider thingy so had nothing of real value to anyone. They gave the ring to the Witchking (a.k.a. Bob), Lord of the Nazgul, and he flew up to the Eye of Sauron on his dragon and flung the ring into the eye.

"OUCH!!" yelled the Eye of Sauron. "Damnit, man, that hurt!"

The eye vanished and a large hissing sound ensued for a couple minutes. Smoke spurted out of the place that had been home to the Eye of Sauron. Then out popped a large and strong metallic creature known as Sauron at the bottom of the Tower of Barud-dur. Now that he was in physical form at last, he was ready to go into war…

Back in Isengard, the city was being made ready for war.

"I want the towers to have many archers with flaming arrows," Saruman the White Wizard told one of the orcs.

"Yes, my Lord." Just then, Lurtz came thundering into the room. Saruman was awestruck! He was quite literally struck with awe. He had thought that Lurtz had died with all the other Uruks he had sent to capture Frodo and the ring. However, here was Lurtz right in the high tower next to Saruman and there were three other Uruk warriors with him who looked to be from the same party.

"Holy crap, man!! You made it back alive! I thought you had died!" exclaimed an excited Saruman. Lurtz had been the first Uruk they had created here in Isengard and had been Saruman's favorite Uruk warrior, and had probably been the fiercest and strongest and smartest of the lot of them.

"My finger points," he told Saruman. Saruman was greatly impressed. Obviously, all of his work on Lurtz had truly paid off. I mean, look how smart Lurtz was! He knew that his finger could point!!

"And how many fingers do you have, little guy?" Saruman said in a baby voice. Lurtz, however, regained his composure and made a real comment to Saruman the White:

"We've come back to fight for you," growled Lurtz. "A huge army comes from Mordor. Sauron will be here by nightfall. After he comes, we can unite our forces and make our war on man."

"Ummmmm," started a nervous Saruman. "He's no longer on our side…his army is kind of coming to destroy us."

"WHAT?!?" demanded an angry Lurtz angrily with anger. "His army featured hundreds of thousands of troops!! I'm not used to facing more troops than I can count on my own two hands!! There is no way we can defend against that! I mean I only have ten fingers for crying out loud!! TEN!! He'll kill us all and not even lose a fraction of his army! Or a finger!" Lurtz was lividly livid. He could not believe that the army he and his three fellows had seen would be coming to fight them. It was insane to fight such odds. I mean nine is pushing it, but hundreds of thousands? That's a little more than ten. "Why is Sauron now our enemy?" Lurtz demanded while trying to hold back his rage through gritted teeth.

"Because we got a better deal from another Dark Lord: Lord Voldemort," Saruman told Lurtz.

"Then where is this Voldemwhatever?!? Why isn't he here yet?!" Lurtz was shaking with anger now. His shaking was so fierce that his pants fell down. He now had on no pants.

"Patience, my pant-less warrior, patience. Lord Voldemort will come. He will not leave us to dry because it's too wet here." Saruman tried to sound confident of this but the news from Lurtz that Sauron would be there by nightfall was most unnerving. It showed on Saruman's unnerved face.

"Then I'll prepare for battle, my liege," Lurtz said while trying to hold back an angry outburst at Saruman. He pulled his pants up and motioned for his three companions to follow him out of the tower. The four of them departed Saruman and left the high tower. Then the orc turned to Saruman.

"He will come, my Lord. Lord Voldemort will show." Saruman nodded absentmindedly.

The orc then left Saruman and walked out the door and down the stairs of the high tower of Isengard. He walked outside where all the trees had been cut down and where a large pit saw the upbringing of weapons, Uruk soldiers, and other orcs. The warg pit was also down there. The environment looked very grey and unfriendly. Everywhere, there were orcs going about their business: whether that be helping in unburying the Uruk soldiers and more orcs, the forging of metal weapons and armor, the care of the wargs, the bringing in of supplies and foods, the caring of the dam that kept the city of Isengard dry and unflooded, or just the care of the rest of the defenses of the city. This orc walked down into the pits. He came into an army of fifty archers and told them to follow him. Once out of the pits, he told them to gather what ever archers they could find and take up posts in the twenty sentry towers that oversaw the city and its surroundings outside of the city. The archers did as they were told and gathered another one hundred archers and they all went into the towers to stand guard for Sauron and his huge army; they all divided up as evenly as possible in each of the sentry towers. There in the towers, they waited to spot the enemy and to fire at anyone too close for comfort.

Once the orc was done with his task of getting the archers in the sentry towers, he walked down into the pits again and made sure they were ready for war down there. He made sure the wargs were ready to ride and that each orc and Uruk soldier was ready to do battle when the time came. The numbers for Saruman now stood at about thirty thousand Uruks and orcs combined. The Uruks made the bulk of the army, but there were still some thousand orcs ready for war too.

Up in his large tower overlooking all of Isengard, Saruman the White and Grima Wormtongue made ready for war. The orc made its way back into the large tower and up to Saruman.

"Every orc and Uruk soldier able has been made ready for war, my Lord," he told Saruman.

"Who am I, Orcbutt?" Saruman asked the orc whose name was Orcbutt.

"You are our ruler and leader, Sire."

"And do you trust your leader?"

"Your Uruks and orcs, my Lord, will follow you to whatever end."

"To whatever end," said Saruman in a low tone as Orcbutt put Saruman's armor on his arms and legs. "Where is the warg and the rider? Where is the fog horn that was blowing? They have passed like rain on the mountains, like chickens in the deep-fryer. The days have gone down in the place they went down in, behind the hills, into shadow. How did it come to this?" No one answered him or even spoke at all.

Back down in the lower parts of the city, Lurtz walked around looking at the Uruks and orcs that were now getting suited up for battle. He was with his Uruk pals named Lenny, Alfalfa, and Oxface. He looked at them and realized that this might be the last time they hung out. No more going to Starbucks together ordering orange, mocha frapacchinos and then cruising around with cool sunglasses in a jeep. No more gasoline fights, or laughing at some poor unfortunate orc who had blown himself up unintentionally. All those days were now in the past, and the future that awaited them was a battle with Sauron, the Deceiver…

Lord Voldemort was making his way to Isengard with seventy-five thousand Death Eaters on horseback, one hundred thirty olephants, and about six thousand five hundred Southron archers atop the olephants. He sent two hundred olephants with about ten thousand Southron archers on the straight path to Isengard. Voldemort and the troops he was with were going a different way to Isengard to make sure they took Sauron by surprise. Some of his Death Eaters included Severus Snape, Lucius Malfoy (who had been sprung out of prison two days earlier), Bellatrix Lestrange, this sort of small, fat guy named Peter Pettigrew (or Wormtail, as some called him by), Nott, Avery, Crabbe Sr., Goyle Sr. These eight were at the front of the army alongside Lord Voldemort. They rode in silence for a while. But then Severus Snape broke the silence.

"My Lord, they say that Sauron is quite powerful and evil, and that's without the ring. Now he has the ring, so maybe it would be in our best interest to wait until we have a larger force before we take him head on."

"Ahhh, dear Severus. Tell me, are you French?" Voldemort asked Snape.

"No, My Lord," replied a bewildered Snape.

"Are you a pussy?"

"No, My Lord."

"Then shut your damn mouth and stop acting like a fucking French pussy!" At this, Severus' face turned a pale hue of purple and he shut his mouth. Bellatrix snickered at him but then Severus cast her a wicked look that almost made her soil herself. However, she was strong enough to hold it in.

"Holy crap, man!" she exclaimed to Snape. "You sure can be an ugly bitch when you are angry! I mean that shit is whack!"

"Shut your fucking mouth before I shut it with my wand, er swond!" growled Snape back at her. She cast him a smirk but then decided not to push him any further. Lord Voldemort had led them into a forested area, Fangorn Forest. He was seated atop a black stallion and had black armor on. His cloak was black too, as were all the Death Eater cloaks. The sun was setting and soon it would be getting pretty dark in that forest. He held up his arm and motioned for his troops to stop. He turned his horse around and faced them. Glancing at his army on horseback with their armor shimmering in the sunsetting forest and at his Southron archers on olephants, he decided to say something.

"We will ride on through the night and we will approach Isengard in the morning. We will ride behind Sauron's forces and catch him off-guard. For now, we rest a bit..."

Back in Isengard, the morale was low. No one felt they could defeat the armies of Sauron. Even Lurtz and his three companions had doubts about surviving this battle. Plus, they were ugly so it was a double whammy.

"We will not be surviving this one, will we, Lurtz?" Alfalfa asked Lurtz. Lurtz looked at Alfalfa and then glanced out towards Isengard's sentry towers.

"No, my friend," he told Alfalfa. "We cannot defeat this army. But we will meet them in battle none the less." Oxface looked at the ground but said nothing. Alfalfa started to speak up but then stopped. And Lenny was picking at the wedgie his pants were giving him. Lurtz gave Lenny a disgusted look. Lenny looked at Lurtz. Lurtz looked at Lenny. Oxface looked at Alfalfa, and Alfalfa realizing what was happening started to cry. Lenny, Lurtz, and Oxface all looked at Alfalfa. Then they glanced at each other. Then they looked at Alfalfa. Then they looked at each other. Then at Alfalfa, then at each other, then at Alfalfa, and then finally they went up to Alfalfa and each of them punched Alfalfa in the face. That shut him up pretty good.

Just then a horn sounded in the distance just outside the great gate of Isengard.

"That is no orc horn," said Lenny. The four of them ran over to see what was going on. Another orc who was patrolling the gate wall told another orc to send for Saruman and to open the gate. An army of about fifty one people entered the city of Isengard: Achilles and his Mermidan men. Saruman got over to the gate and went over to Achilles.

"How is this possible?" he asked confusedly.

"An alliance once existed between elves and men," Achilles began. "A long time ago, they fought and died together. That is appalling so we have come to help kill them and whomever else you wish us to kill."

"Sounds good to me!" barked Saruman like a dog. He had dog blood in him. Just kidding, or am I? dun…dun…dun…

And then all of a sudden another horn bellowed and Agamemnon's Greek army of fifty thousand showed up as well. They were allowed into the city of Isengard.

King Agamemnon met with Saruman and they discussed the battle at hand. Now they had a large enough army to make a stand against Sauron.

Achilles met with Lurtz and they put all the men and Uruks and orcs into battalions ready for war. All of another sudden, another horn bellowed. Lurtz stood straight up and fear overcame him.

"Sauron!"…


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5: The Battle of Isengard

So whilst Lord Voldemort and his army were hanging out in Fangorn Forest resting up a bit, a sound was heard in the forest. It sounded as if someone, or something, was coming their way.

"Everybody quiet!" ordered Lord Voldemort to his army. "And put your cloaks on so they can't see us!" All of them put their black cloaks on and became invisiblized; even the olephants had black cloaks on invisiblizing them. So one second there was an incredible evil army visible in the forest, and the next there was nothing.

Just then a large tree thingy, an ent, came into the scene. It had two little hobbits on it: Merry and Pippin of the Shire. They were headed south towards Isengard because Isengard was south and apparently the closer they were to danger, the farther they were from harm. A brilliant hobbit had said this so it must have been true, obviously. I mean how could a hobbit with all its intelligence and knowledge of the world be wrong?

Anyway, the ent walked right on by Voldemort's army without feeling any of them since the invisibility cloaks also enabled the occupants to not be felt by others. The ent named Treebeard walked a little onwards and came to a clearing outside of Isengard. He went into some sad speech about the trees being killed and being friends with them and blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda, he never saw them again. And then he saw Isengard and let out a really loud yell that could be heard all around the forest of Fangorn-ness.

"There is no curse in elvish, entish, or the tongue of men for thiiis treachery!! My business is with Isengard tonight," Treebeard said in a determined voice. "With a rock and stone." And with that a lot of ents appeared around Treebeard, Merry and Pippin. "Last march of the ents." And with that, the ents started to march towards Isengard. However,…

"Cloaks off!!" yelled Lord Voldemort to his army. His large army emerged from under their cloaks to the very surprise of the ents.

"Fuck! ASS!" yelled Treebeard. "This fucking sucks!!"

"ATTACK!!" yelled Voldemort. And with that his whole army attacked the ents. His 75,000 Death Eaters on horseback all unsheathed their swonds and pointed them at different ents. They each yelled out "_FLAME-EEEO_!!" and the ents were scorched. Then the olephants did the rest of the damage by running over to the ents and hitting them with like their tusks and then stomping on them until they were completely shattered into splinters. Within a few moments, the entire ent army was destroyed into permanent nothingness. However, Treebeard still remained untouched by the army because Lord Voldemort wanted to deal with him. He strode up to Treebeard on his black stallion.

"Before I burn you to the ground, know that I will destroy this entire forest and spit upon the ashy remains with spit from my own mouth," he told Treebeard. Treebeard was shocked…spit from Lord Voldemort's mouth was no picnic.

"I am Treebeard, ruler of the ents," Treebeard told Lord Voldemort. "And before I am burned to the ground, know this: I am made out of wood!! WOOD!!" Lord Voldemort nodded at this. He then unsheathed his swond, thought a minute, and then resheathed it. He looked at Treebeard, and then turned to his army.

"Kill him," he told them. His army looked at him and then Severus Snape rode up to Treebeard with his swond unsheathed and yelled, "_FLAME-EEEO_!!" Treebeard's wooden body ignited, Treebeard gave Snape the finger…er twig, and the hobbits screamed in pain like wussies and fell to the ground. Bellatrix Lestrange and Lucius Malfoy both rode up to the hobbits with their swonds unsheathed. Lucius pointed his swond at Pippin and yelled, "_Avada Kedavra_!" A light came out of his swond and hit Pippin smack in the chest. Pippin then keeled over and died but not before he pulled his pants down and showed Lucius his amazing hobbit ass. Merry was obviously furious about this with furying fury visible in his furying face because he was jealous of Lucius Malfoy getting to see his good friend's ass. He screamed and ran at Lucius. Bellatrix rode behind Merry and sliced his head off of his body.

"Damnit!" screamed a headless Merry.

"Well ok then," said a confused Lucius Malfoy as Merry's lifeless body fell to the ground with blood sprinkling from the neck onto the earth. He turned his horse towards Treebeard who was still on fire but still alive and apparently shouting 'fuck' repeatedly. He rode up to Treebeard and yelled a death curse at him: "_DEATH CURSE-EEEO_!!" he yelled at Treebeard and the burning ent fell to the floor death cursed and not alive anymore. Lucius turned back towards the army and resheathed his swond. The rest of the Death Eaters followed suit and all the 74,999 remaining unsheathed swonds were resheathed. The massive army turned towards Lord Voldemort to await their next command. He had walked on up to the clearing in the forest entrance. He was looking at Isengard and the large force outside the city that Sauron had brought with him. Sauron's army was a large black mass just outside the city of Isengard and more black masses were visible in the city which were obviously Saruman's forces making ready for battle against Sauron.

"An army like that one would be a great addition to this army of mine," he said to himself as he scratched his backside. "But alas, it is not my army to be had. Sadly I must destroy that impressive army in order to control all evil armies." Snape came up behind Lord Voldemort.

"My Lord," he said to Voldemort. "The army awaits your command." Lord Voldemort turned his black stallion towards Snape. He looked at Snape. Snape looked at him. He looked to the left of Snape, so Snape looked to the right of Lord Voldemort. Then they switched it up and Voldemort looked right and Snape left. Then Voldemort raised his right eyebrow. Snape showed his master that he could roll his tongue into a taco shape. Voldemort pulled out a hand grenade and threw it at some poor innocent girl wearing a red hood. She was blown up. Snape pulled out a ninja star and threw it at a tree. It hit the tree and the tree gasped and fell over dead. Finally this was ended when Lord Voldemort slapped Snape in the face and yelled "no slap-backs!" Snape said 'damn' and it was all over. Voldemort did a victory dance and spiked a football on the ground. He then turned and looked at the rest of his army.

"We'll rest for a few hours in this forest thingy and gather our strength and stuff and then ride on in the early morning for Isengard," he told them.

"My Liege," Snape replied to Lord Voldemort. "If you would wish, the army is ready now. We do not need anymore strength. Your army is ready to fight."

"Yes," said Voldemort. "_My_ army! _My_ army will do what I tell them to do, and I say that we will rest for a few hours and ride on in the morning. Do you have a problem, Severus, with following my orders?"

"No, My Lord," replied Snape sullenly. "I meant no disrespect. I will see to the army." Then Snape turned his horse and rode back to the rest of the army. They went deeper into the forest, further away from Isengard, and took shelter in the trees away from the sight of Sauron or his forces. There they rested…

"Get your archers up on the wall!" yelled Achilles to Lurtz. "War is here, not London or Paris or Venice, but here!"

"I will do so," replied an unnerved Lurtz. "Archers! Up to the wall!! Defend the city!!" A few thousand Uruk crossbowmen-Uruks ran up to the large wall that had been constructed up around Isengard in a wall-like form not too long ago. They set themselves up on the wall, ready to fight the armies of Sauron.

Achilles ran to his Mermidan men. "Men," he said to them. "We are men! Mermidan men! We are lions! Mermidan men-lions with arms and feet!! And over there beyond that wall lies your fate! Immortality: take it; it's yours!!" His men started cheering and they all ran to the gates of Isengard. The rest of the Greeks saw this and started cheering for Achilles too. Then they too followed suit and ran to the gates. Lurtz and his three companions, and about 10,000 Uruks, also saw this and ran to the gates because they were just yes-men, er…yes-Uruks.

The gates were then opened. Then Achilles, at the front of the army, along with his cousin Patrocles, turned towards the main army. Achilles looked at them and said one last time whilst pointing at Sauron's forces: "Immortality: take it; it's yours!" The large army made a loud cheer and they ran out of the city of Isengard and ran towards the immense army of Sauron.

"Men of Rhun and walking Southron Men!" yelled Sauron. "ATTAAACK!!" His ten thousand fierce Rhun warriors and about six thousand other Southron walking men all charged towards the running Isengard forces.

Achilles took a spear while running and flung it into the army running at them. It hit one of the men of Rhun right in the chest and he fell over while also yelling out "bitch!" First blood had been spilt. Achilles, his Mermidan men, Patrocles, fifty thousand Greeks, Lurtz, his three companions, and about ten thousand Uruk warriors were all making their way towards the large mass that was Sauron's army. Sauron's forces were making their way towards the army I just described from Isengard. The army I just just described about having described earlier ran at Sauron's army. Sauron's army ran faster at the army I just just described about having described about having described earlier. Anyway, the two forces finally met head on. Achilles pushed his way forward through the Rhun soldiers. He took out his Greek sword and started hacking away at enemy fighters. He cut one guy across the gut and spilled his intestines on the soil. This soldier fell to the ground in pain spilling blood from his sliced stomach. Achilles kept going and ducked under the swing of a Southron soldier. He rolled on the ground, got to his knees and cut that soldier's legs off. The Southron foe fell to the ground on his stubs and cried out in anguish. His legs dyed the ground red around him. Lurtz saw him and sliced his head off with his Isengard sword. Lurtz then punched another Southron soldier in the face, stabbed him with his sword in the man's chest, and flung him to the ground. Then he pelted a Rhun soldier across the chest bringing the man to the ground with a great force. When the man was on the ground and bleeding from his chest wound, Lurtz slit his throat. Patrocles also made his way through the enemy. He saw one of his fellow Greek allies get killed by a Rhun soldier, so he made his way to that Rhun soldier and started to fight with him. They exchanged blows…each slashing at each other but missing. After a couple minutes of fighting, Patrocles finally managed to deliver a fatal wound to the Rhun soldier's gut felling him. Blood squirting every which way, the Rhun soldier collapsed and Patrocles looked for someone else to fight. Off in the distance, Oxface was in a predicament: three Rhun and Southron soldiers were attacking him from different sides. Oxface managed to evade one jab, but took a second to the left shoulder and a third to his right thigh. He fell to his knees with blood spilling from both wounds and covering his hands in a red mess. The Rhun soldier made like he was going to behead Oxface but before this happened, the Rhun soldier stopped in his tracks. Something had taken him by surprise that he had not expected: Lenny. The Rhun soldier turned awkwardly to look at Lenny and then fell to the ground. Then Lenny marched forward and pulled his sword out of the Rhun soldier's back and then he killed the last Rhun soldier of the three with a swift jab upward through the chin and into the brain cavity. He helped Oxface to his feet and the two started fighting other soldiers. A Southron soldier threw his dagger and hit Lenny in the back. Lenny went down, but Oxface pulled out his bow and an arrow and fired at the Southroner. He hit him square in the forehead and the Southron soldier went down. Then Oxface had to duck quickly to avoid getting beheaded by another Southron soldier. He pulled out another arrow and fired it at the latest enemy soldier to bring blows on him and nailed him in the neck. Blood squirted everywhere drenching everything near the soldier in a dark red color.

After several more minutes of intense fighting with several thousand of Sauron's soldiers being slain, Sauron ordered his full army to advance towards the force from Isengard. Seeing this full force start towards them, Achilles pulled everyone back into Isengard.

"To the city!" he shouted at everyone. "Pull back!! Run away, run away!!" They all fled back to Isengard.

"Close the gates and fast!!" Lurtz ordered the orcs in the city after he had passed through the gates. Some did not make it back into the city but it was too late for them because the gates had to be shut before Sauron managed to get to the gates and get through them and into the city. There was no hope of survival for those few hundred Uruk and Greek soldiers outside the gates of Isengard. The orcs did as they were told and forced the gates of Isengard shut. "FIRE!!" roared Lurtz to the Uruk crossbowmen-Uruks. They started firing. Mordorian orcs started falling from arrow wounds. Several hundred had fallen to this archery before Sauron made an incredibly tactiful move…

"Fall back orcs and men!!" he yelled at his army. "Olephants!! ATTACK!!" A thunderous sound came and the ground started to tremble. Everyone in Isengard stopped doing anything and just listened, and then moaned with horror when they saw fifty olephants running at the gates of Isengard.

"Holy crap, man!" cried out Lurtz in terror. "Those things are fucking huge! Uruks, fire at them! FIRE NOW!!" The Uruk crossbowmen started firing at the olephants, but the arrows were doing minimal damage against the rough, hard skin of the olephants. The olephants reared back and started running faster at the gates. They got to the gates and started to slam their tusks into the gates. The gates started to sound as if they would break soon. The Uruk crossbowmen were still firing at the olephants but their numbers were falling because the Southron archers on top of the olephants were shooting at these Uruk crossbowmen and killing several hundreds of them.

"To the wall!" yelled Saruman to his troops. "Defend the wall!" The Greeks and the Uruks and orcs all ran to the wall and up the stairs. They were getting themselves ready for an invasion into the city.

"Not up there!" yelled Achilles. "Get down here in case the gates are breached!" The army did just that and ran back down the stairs and waited in front of the gates awaiting a full-scale Sauron invasion. Saruman and Grima Wormtongue were now also down with the army awaiting the attack.

"If we should fall, Grima," Saruman told Wormtongue. "We shall die fighting, with like weapons and crap."

"But, My Lord," Grima pleaded with Saruman. "I don't have a weapon! You haven't given me one yet!"

"Well damnit, man! Use your hands then! Do I have to think of everything?"

"My apologies, My Lord," said an embarrassed Grima Wormtongue.

"Damn straight! I holla!"

Just then the gates gave way and a loud CRAAACK was sounding throughout the city; the gates had been breached.

"Make ready!!" yelled Achilles. The main army from Isengard made ready as a few hundred trolls ran through the broken gates and into the city.

"FIRE!!" yelled Lurtz commandingly. The Uruk crossbowmen left, which was but a few hundred now, fired at the trolls bringing a few to the ground. The Greeks led by Achilles ran into the fray. Thousands of orcs from Mordor stormed into the city. The Greeks tried to ward them off. They fought with their Greek swords and killed as many orcs as they could. King Agamemnon was also involved in the fighting, killing orcs with his sword. Saruman was using his staff and beating orcs into the ground. Then he unsheathed his sword and started using it as well to kill orcs. Grima Wormtongue was punching orcs with his fists and was actually quite efficient at bringing them down. He utilized the brilliant tactic of "punch and run away" to perfection. He was very good at running away after hitting someone. Achilles and Lurtz were at the front of the army from Isengard, back to back pretty much. They were helping each other out and killing orcs and trolls. Achilles was quite good with spears and Lurtz with his bow and arrows. They brought down several trolls together. However, there were too many trolls and orcs from Mordor invading, and they were killing Greeks, Uruks, and orcs from Isengard quite easily.

Outside the city, Sauron made his olephants and men ready to invade. He still had tens of thousands of orcs, all his olephants, and nine Ringwraiths that were ready to invade the city and bring it to ruin.

"Let's wait a little bit and attack in a few minutes," he told this army of his outside the city of Isengard. He went up to the leader of the Ringwraiths, the Witchking, Lord of the Nazgul, and told him to be ready to fly and take out any archers and battle structures on the walls of the city.

"Yes, My Liege," replied the Witchking.

Back inside the city, Saruman's forces were dwindling: only about twenty thousand Greeks were left and only about ten thousand orcs and Uruks combined were left standing.

"The city is taken!!" yelled Saruman to his forces. "Fall back! Fall back to the second level!"

"But, My Lord," replied Lurtz in a horrified tone. "There is no second level!"

"Oh crap!!" yelled Saruman. "We're fucked!! Every man, Uruk, orc for himself then!! RETREAT!!" The army panicked and started to retreat back into the city. Achilles and Lurtz were trying to keep them fighting but it was no good.

Then Lurtz got an idea. He ran to the nearest Isengard flag bearer and took the flag from the flag bearer. Then he started to run through his fellows who were retreating and threw his pistol off to the side somewhere.

"Wait!" he ordered. "No retreat! Hold the lines!! HOLD!! HOLD!! HOLD THE LINES!!" Achilles saw this and was deeply moved.

"Push forward, men!!" Achilles beckoned to the remaining forces. The retreating Isengard army suddenly got pumped up and stopped the retreat. They started running into the fray and started killing more of Sauron's forces. They pushed through the forces up the gates. Lurtz got to the gates and looked towards the troops and waved the Isengard flag around. The remaining Greeks, Uruks, and orcs from Isengard all cheered and Achilles, Lurtz, Patrocles, and Oxface led the charge through the gates towards Sauron's army waiting for them right outside of Isengard.

"ATTACK!!" ordered Sauron.

"Oh crap," sighed Lurtz. "Didn't think that one through." The olephants and remaining hundred thousand orcs and men started charging towards the small, defiant Isengard force.

"CHARGE!!" yelled Achilles. The Isengard force started charging too. The two forces collided and the olephants started taking out hundreds of Greeks and Uruks at a time. Achilles and Lurtz were fighting the orcs storming at them. They were killing tens of them. Lurtz hit one orc across the face with the pole from the flag he was carrying. Then he grabbed the orc and hurled him to the ground and stabbed him with the pole again across the chest. The orc spat up blood and then died. Achilles used his sword and sliced one orc in half. Then he took his bloodied sword and stabbed another orc in the eye, killing it. Regardless of Achilles and Lurtz, their force was still getting heavily destroyed by the olephants.

Just then in the distance, a horn bellowed. Sauron, his army, and the Isengard army all looked off to the distance. The horn blew again and the ground started to shake tremendously. No one knew what was happening but then an arrow came and hit one of Sauron's orcs square in the face. A green light flickered as the _Avada Kedavra_ curse swept through the orc's body. The orc fell to the ground. More arrows started raining down on them, and more and more Mordorian orcs started to fall. Then a huge force of two hundred olephants with ten thousand Southron archers on top of them became visible. Sauron was terrified at this and sent his olephants to attack the oncoming army.

"Defend us!! Kill them!! Kill those olephants!!" Sauron ordered of his olephants. With the olephants leaving the forces of Isengard, Achilles was able to lead the six thousand Greeks left into the remaining 94,000 Mordorian orcs. The Greeks were fully armored and also quite skilled with their swords. They started taking out many orcs quite easily. Lurtz led the three thousand Uruks left on an attack on Sauron. However, the Nazgul were right there and were ready for the attack. These Nazgul were on dragons, and the dragons started killing several Uruks at a time. Lurtz took out his bow and shot one of the dragons in the head. The dragon shot upwards but wasn't dead yet, so Lurtz shot the dragon with another arrow to the same area. Two more arrows brought the dragon down, however there were still eight more left and still all nine Nazgul too.

The two hundred olephants attacked Sauron's fifty at an incredible speed. Sauron's olephants, which were already tired and full of arrows, were brought down without much effort by this new force from Lord Voldemort. The front ten olephants were extremely tired and were the first to be taken out. The bulk of this new force, about 120 olephants, took out these ten olephants in a few moments. Then they looked to the other 40 olephants of Sauron. Five olephants would entrap one of Sauron's and beat it to death with their tusks until it died from being killed. Using that tactic, Sauron's olephants were easily destroyed by Lord Voldemort's reinforcements. With the olephants out of the way, the new forces were now able to take on what was left of Sauron's monster army.

Off in the Forest of Fangorn, Lord Voldemort realized that some of the 130 olephants with him now were actually fighting for Sauron and would turn on him over in Isengard. With this in mind, he decided to take action on them. He was incredibly gifted at knowing things since he was a dark wizard, so he knew which olephants would betray him later. He strolled over to where the 60 traitor-olephants were located and began to talk to them.

"I suspect that there are people tracking us a little deeper in the forest," he told them. "Do me a huge favor and go and kill them." The Southron archers on top of the olephants (who were also traitors to Lord Voldemort working for Sauron) nodded and those 60 olephants and 3,000 Southron archers made their way deeper into the Forest of Fangorn. They walked for about a mile when something happened they had not expected: they got jumped by the Dead Army from the Dumont. All 60 olephants and 3,000 Southron archers were killed easily and quickly since the Dead Army could not be killed since they were already dead, thus the name of the Dead Army. Get it? So, the Dead Army made its way through the forest to where Lord Voldemort was seated atop his black stallion in front of his already-ready army prepared to fight Sauron's forces.

"Welcome to the winning side," Lord Voldemort said to the leader of the Dead Army with a smile on his face.

"We are delighted to be here," returned this Dead Army leader also with a smile on his face. Then Snape sounded his horn which sounded like a horn and the army of Lord Voldemort made its way towards Isengard and out of the Forest of Fangorn.

Back outside of the city of Isengard, Lurtz' Uruks were getting completely destroyed with only a few hundred left. The olephants, however started to move over to help them and the Nazgul instead looked to the olephants, leaving Lurtz and his 500 Uruks. So Lurtz took out another arrow and fired at Sauron. It hit Sauron but did no damage to him. Lurtz fired again, and again no damage was done. He fired again and again and still nothing. Sauron started walking towards Lurtz, wanting to kill this pest. But then Snape's horn was heard in the distance and a massive army on horseback, olephantback, and the Dead Army was visible coming down the hill from Fangorn Forest towards Isengard and Sauron's forces. Just then another horn was sounded behind Sauron. He turned around and saw the English army with King Longshanks leading them. They were about several thousand strong and were headed towards Sauron's remaining orcs. The orcs, now with only 70,000 left, ran at Longshanks' army. The forces collided and blood was being spilt left and right.

Then a loud roar was heard behind these fighting orcs and Godzilla emerged. The fearsome creature started running at the orcs from Mordor. The remaining Greeks (now totaling about two thousand) were led by Achilles into the fray as well. Godzilla started taking out orcs and smashing them and crushing them and stepping on them. Then the creature Grendel from Beowulf roared and ran out of nowhere towards the remaining Mordorian orcs. The orcs were petrified! They had no idea what to do with all these forces now attacking them! So they started to retreat, which is quite understandable. They were running away when all of a sudden a pirate ship emerged to cut off their retreat. Captain Barbosa and his crew of miscreants stormed out of the Black Pearl and started to kill off the orcs which makes no sense whatsoever seeing as there is no water for the ship to have been in. So now the orcs were being killed by English soldiers from King Longshanks, Godzilla, Grendel, Achilles and his remaining Greek soldiers, and by Captain Barbosa of the Black Pearl and his pirate miscreants.

With all of this happening, Sauron wasn't paying attention to what he really should have been paying attention to: Lord Voldemort and his monster army attacking from Fangorn Forest. Sauron finally noticed this Lord Voldemort but it was too late to do anything: the force was now already on him. The Death Eaters pulled out their bows and pulled out poisoned arrows and took out the dragons the Nazgul were riding. The Nazgul fell to the ground. There they lay not knowing what to do now. So with them laying there, the 70 olephants Lord Voldemort had with him at this time joined up with the remaining 190 olephants and started trampling the Nazgul. They were all just jumping up and down on the Nazgul, crushing them but not killing them. Then Lord Voldemort rode his black stallion up to where Sauron was located, unsheathed his swond, pointed it at Sauron, and yelled out "_Petrificus Totalus_!" The dark lord Sauron became still and quite motionless. Lord Voldemort then rode right in front of his dark nemesis and sliced off his right hand, the hand with the ring on the finger. The ring fell to the ground and Sauron fell to his knees. Then Sauron started to glow and then blew up. The shock wave knocked everyone over, except for the olephants because they were really really heavy. Then Lord Voldemort got back up to his feet and pulled his black stallion up to.

"Go into the city and make sure it is safe and kill off any of the enemy still remaining in the city," he ordered the leader of the Dead Army. The Dead Army did as they were told and they cleansed the city of any of Sauron's army. Then Lord Voldemort looked to the remaining army of Sauron: 35,000 orcs and the nine Nazgul.

"Join my side or die!" he declared to these remaining forces.

"Never!!" retaliated the Witchking.

"I implore you to reconsider," said Lord Voldemort in a calm tone.

"Mmmmmmm…oookay!" replied the Witchking. And so with that, the nine Nazgul and 35,000 orcs joined forces with Lord Voldemort. So now Lord Voldemort commanded the Dead Army; 75,000 Death Eaters on horseback; several thousand English soldiers with King Longshanks; Captain Barbosa with his pirate crew; Godzilla and Grendel; 260 olephants with 13,000 Southron archers atop; Achilles, Patrocles, Agamemnon, and two thousand Greeks; Lurtz, Oxface, Lenny, Alfalfa, one thousand Uruks from Isengard; Saruman, Grima Wormtongue, Orcbutt; 9 Nazgul; and 35,000 orcs from Mordor. Thus they were set and ready for battle on the world!!

Lord Voldemort rode into the city of Isengard and rode up the high tower and found Saruman, Grima Wormtongue, and Orcbutt all hiding under Saruman's desk.

"Did we win, My Lord?" asked a nervous Saruman.

"No thanks to you and your two lovers up here!" replied Lord Voldemort.

"They're not my…" Saruman started but Lord Voldemort cut him off.

"Now we are ready for our war. The battle for Isengard is over. The battle for the Earth is about to begin."


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6: The Wedding

When Harry awoke the next morning, it was to a lot of commotion downstairs in the Weasley kitchen. Everybody seemed to be getting ready for the big wedding between Bill and Fleur. Harry got dressed before he went downstairs to breakfast because he had slept in the nude that night and it probably wouldn't have been polite to show up to breakfast naked. Ron, Hermione, Ginny, and the twins were already downstairs eating breakfast.

"Why good morning, Harry!" chirped Mrs. Weasley to Harry as he sat himself down at the table.

"Morning, Mrs. Weasley," Harry said politely.

"Morning, Harry," said Ginny as she fluttered her eyelashes at Harry.

"Shut up. I don't speak to extras," Harry told her, since she is an extra in this book. Then he proceeded to pour himself some pumpkin juice.

"Touche," she said.

"For Heaven's sake, Ronald!" snapped Mrs. Weasley as Ron spilled some pumpkin juice on his sweater.

"Honestly, ickle Ronniekins," snergled Fred. "We need to get you a bib."

"I'll jinx you!" Ron shot back at Fred whilst raising his wand.

"Ronald Weasley!" Mrs. Weasley said crossly. "Don't you ever let me see you doing that again! Raising your wand at the table for goodness sake!"

"Sorry, Mum," said a gloomy Ron. Fred just smiled deviously at Harry, who in turn smiled back at Fred. Ron stared down at his bacon and eggs and just moved them around his plate with his fork. Hermione was off in her own world daydreaming about red man-thongs again. She started drooling and foaming at the mouth. Everyone looked at Hermione. Harry smiled.

"Oh that Hermione," he said quietly as he started laughing. Fred and George also joined in on the laughing and so did our extra, Ginny. Mrs. Weasley smiled too and just shook her head.

"Oh you guys!" she said heartily.

Ron looked at Hermione and flicked her on her forehead, but then looked at his bacon and eggs again and moved them around his plate some more. Ron was emotionally fragile and Fred's "bib" comment hurt him badly. It was looking as if Ron would never recover from this blow by Fred. But just then, Pigwidgeon flew into the room and landed on the table right in front of Ron. He was fluttering around all excited and it was difficult for Ron to pull the note off of Pigwidgeon's foot. He managed to get it off just as Pigwidgeon started dancing and did a cool-looking spin move that everyone clapped for. Ron read the note. It said:

Help me, Obi-Ron! You're my only hope!

P.S. That means no one else can help me…only you can.

Ron was flabbergasted! He didn't know who would send him such a note. Surely it couldn't have been serious?! Who would send _him_ such a note? He didn't know what to say. Everyone turned to him now and they all eyed him suspiciously.

"What is it, Ron?" Harry asked his best friend earnestly. Harry was surprised at how all the color had seemed to vanish from Ron's face, and at how someone would actually take the time to write to Ron. Even Harry struggled in getting himself to write to Ron.

"N-n-nothing, Harry," Ron managed to say meagerly. "I think I am going to go for a walk now." Ron got up from the table and proceeded to head to the front door. Everyone watched him curiously as he walked into the wall by the door. Then he turned and walked the other way but walked into the wall by the other side of the door. Then he walked back where he came from first and his foot got stuck in the spiked trap set up for bears. He clutched his bleeding foot and walked into the nearby card table and burned his hand on the hot tea kettle. He took his hand off the kettle and walked further and tripped on the floor and his face landed in the wedding cake. He pulled himself out of the cake and put his hand down on the window pane but the window fell on his hand. He pulled his hand out and walked right into the door.

"Woops," said Ron. "Gotta open it first." He opened the door and walked outside. The door closed and everybody listened intently as Ron fell outside on his face.

"Bloody hell that hurt!" moaned Ron. He got up and walked away from the house into the woods behind the Weasley house. Everyone listened and they could hear him bumping into trees, getting his head stuck in a bee hive and falling into poison ivy.

"Now that shit was whack," said George lazily. Everyone nodded and said 'yeah' and then turned back to eating.

The door then opened and a beautiful girl with beautiful silvery blond hair walked into the kitchen. All the mouths dropped from Harry, Fred, George, Pigwidgeon, and…Ginny? Well ok, that Ginny is full of surprises. She realized her mouth was open too and she shut it quickly. But not before Mrs. Weasley noticed the open mouth. She looked disgustingly at Ginny and raised her eyebrows at her. Ginny blushed and started pawing her eggs.

The beautiful girl at the door was wearing short, tight blue-jean shorts and a white, long-sleeve button-up shirt that was tied above her belly button revealing her really nice abs.

"'ello, 'arry!" she said excitedly to Harry as she swept down on him and open-mouth kissed him for a few minutes. Harry blushed.

He somehow managed to articulate "goob morni, Fleur" to her once her tongue was out of his mouth. Fred and George just sat with their mouths open at her.

"Good merning, Mrs. Weesley!" Fleur Delacour said delightedly to Mrs. Weasley.

"Good morning, dear!" Mrs. Weasley returned. She smiled at Fleur and pulled out Ginny's chair for Fleur to sit. "I think you're done eating, Ginny," she said to Ginny. Ginny fell to the ground, picked herself up massaging her backside, and nodded.

"Yes, so it would seem," Ginny said coolly. She took her plate and cup and placed them in the sink. She then pulled out her wand and pointed it at the dirty dishes. She twirled her wand and her dishes were suddenly clean. Then she put them back in their rightful places and headed upstairs to her room.

Fleur thanked Mrs. Weasley and sat down at the now-empty chair.

"Can I get you anything, dear?" she asked Fleur.

"Maybe jest some pumpkin juice, Mrs. Weesley," she said smilingly. "Me Billy shoold be coming back soon. 'e is jest barking at ze passing cars." And sure enough, there was a barking sound outside which was definitely Bill barking at passersby.

"Oh that Bill," said Harry quietly as he began to laugh again. Fred and George too started laughing and Mrs. Weasley just smiled and shook her head.

"Oh, boys!" she smiled as she poured Fleur some pumpkin juice. Fleur looked at Hermione, who was still drooling and foaming at the mouth. She looked quizzically at Harry, Fred, and George. They just shrugged and busied themselves with eating their bacon and eggs. So Fleur shrugged too.

"Zank you fer the pumpkin juice, Mrs. Weesley," she said. Mrs. Weasley smiled at her.

"Anything for my soon-to-be daughter-in-law, dear!" she said happily to Fleur as she pat her shoulder. Fleur beamed at her and drank her pumpkin juice. Bill and Lupin stopped barking at random passersby and came inside the house. They entered the kitchen.

"That was pretty good, Bill," Lupin was saying to Bill. "Next time I will show you my special trick I pull on the big trucks!" Bill's face lit up. He was clearly excited by this news.

"Thank you, Lupin! That would be swell!" Lupin just smiled and took a seat next to Harry. Mrs. Weasley, realizing that the bride and groom weren't supposed to see each other before the wedding on the day of the wedding dove and tackled Bill. She escorted him into the entrance room and put a blindfold on his eyes. Then she led him back to the kitchen and conjured up another chair and placed it next to Fleur. She then motioned for Bill to sit down there. Bill waddled over to the chair and sat down in it. That doesn't really make much sense since he was wearing a blindfold but I'm the author and so I say it's ok so there. Mrs. Weasley also blindfolded Fleur, just to be fair.

"Thanks, Mom," Bill said. She beamed at him and punched his right shoulder pretty darn hard. Bill massaged his shoulder.

"Anything for my boys!" Mrs. Weasley said eagerly. She got a couple of plates and threw some bacon and eggs on them and gave them to Bill and Fleur. She then got another plate and poured some dog food on it and gave it Lupin.

"Thank you, Mrs. Weasley!" barked Lupin. "My favorite: Kibbles and Bits with liver pieces in it!!" Mrs. Weasley smiled and pulled off her apron and sat down on the other side of Fleur on another chair she conjured up. She watched happily as everyone ate and Hermione drooled. Mrs. Weasley pulled out a napkin and made her way to Hermione.

"Here you go, dear," she said as she wiped away the drool from the corners of Hermione's mouth. Hermione came back to the real world.

"Thank you, Mrs. Weasley," she said blushingly. She looked up at Harry and managed to throw him an embarrassed smile. Harry just smiled at her and kept eating his eggs. Crookshanks made his way into the kitchen and started purring and rubbed up against Hermione's legs. She picked him up, threw him down on the ground hard, picked him up again, and placed Crookshanks on her lap. He started clawing her legs intently and then laid down. She scratched behind his ears. Pigwidgeon had stopped dancing now and was just perched on a tea pot looking at everyone tiredly.

Mr. Weasley walked into the busy kitchen with Tonks and apologized for being late and then started break-dancing. Apparently he and Tonks had been out back mowing the lawn and getting the backyard ready for the wedding that would be that afternoon.

"So is your wedding dress ready, dear?" Mrs. Weasley asked Fleur.

"Yes, eet is ready. Me and Tonks werk on eet this week and now eet's ready fer today!" she said excitedly. Tonks smiled at her and then smiled at Lupin and sat down across from Lupin. Mr. Weasley conjured up a chair and sat down by Fred and George. Then he threw Lupin a treat and Lupin caught it in his mouth. Mrs. Weasley got up and got Mr. Weasley and Tonks some bacon and eggs. She handed them their plates and they thanked her for the food. Mrs. Weasley, Fleur, and Tonks started talking excitedly about the wedding and Harry took this as his cue to leave the table. He thanked Mrs. Weasley for breakfast and then he, Hermione, Fred, and George all got up and did their dishes and left the kitchen. Bill, Lupin, and Mr. Weasley tried to follow suit but Mrs. Weasley, Tonks, and Fleur made them sit down.

"Damn! So close!" Mr. Weasley said to Bill and Lupin. They smiled at him and then they too talked about the wedding…

"So where do you suppose Ron went off to?" Harry asked Fred, George, and Hermione curiously. They all shook their heads. Ginny poked her head out her door as the four of them came closer to her room.

"So breakfast is over then?" she asked them.

"Yeah, but I wouldn't go down if I were you," Fred told Ginny. "They are talking about the wedding." Ginny's eyes lit up.

"Ooooo! The wedding!" she said excitedly, as she ran past them and bolted down the stairs and into the kitchen.

"That is a weird one, that is." George said as the other three just nodded. Then the four of them went all the way up to Ron's room. There were four beds in the room since Bill and Charlie were sleeping in their own rooms, and Percy still had his own room to himself so he could work. Fred and George sat down on Ron's bed. Harry sat down on his bed and Hermione just stood by the chest of drawers. They were all pretty quiet. The realization that Harry had to defeat Voldemort sometime soon had slipped into each of their minds. Harry was getting fairly nervous. He didn't know how he would go about destroying all of Voldemort's horcruxes and then Voldemort himself. Hermione was afraid for Harry too. Though she herself was going to help him, she feared more for Harry than for herself. Fred and George had a business to run so they couldn't go helping them just yet. They felt as if they should help but they had a responsibility to those who shopped at their store.

Harry broke the silence after about two minutes of it. "I guess we should find Ron," he said. Fred and George just looked at the ground. Hermione nodded her head and switched her weight from her left foot to her right. Harry got up from his bed, slapped Hermione across the face for no reason whatsoever, and took a step towards the door. He looked at the twins.

"Are you two going to help us find Ron?" he asked them.

"No," said George. "I reckon he's just out back somewhere."

"Besides," said Fred. "We have to iron our suits right now or Mum will throw a fit." Fred and George too got up, slapped Hermione for no reason, and walked out of the room. All four of them went outside the door, turned and looked at each other. Fred and George walked to their rooms to get their suits. Harry and Hermione made for the stairway. They walked down the stairway and heard the voices talking excitedly from the kitchen. They could make out Mrs. Weasley's and Fleur's voices, but couldn't hear anyone else talking. They walked out the door and made their way to the backyard. They passed by all the Ghostbusters and talked for a few minutes with a couple of them about what it was like being a Ghostbuster.

They traveled past all the Ghostbuster cars by the side of the house (which had been moved earlier from the back of the house to prepare for the wedding) and headed towards the woods. They hoped they would find Ron in there. They walked past some cool trees that had orange bark but when the orange bark peeled off, a green bark became visible. They watched as a flycatcher flew out of a tree to snag a fly and then returned to its perch on the tree. However, they could not find Ron.

They walked for a long time (like three minutes of intense walking) before stopping and resting on a couple of large boulders. They were both sweating since it was incredibly hot where they were and from their tough three-minute walk. A rat made its way over to them. Both Hermione and Harry looked at the rat. Hermione thought it looked cute but Harry was not impressed. Just then, the rat stood on its back legs and stuck up its right front leg at Harry. It appeared that the rat was flipping Harry off.

"You son of a bitch!" roared Harry in outrage. He got up and made like he was going to kick the rat but the rat ran off. Harry ran after it and Hermione followed him trying to make him stop.

Just then Harry stopped short and Hermione caught up with him. She was out of breath.

"Why did you stop suddenly?" she asked him breathlessly. "What's the matter?" Harry didn't answer her but instead gazed ahead in fear.

"We're not alone, Hermione," he told her fearfully. "The rat ran in there and I heard voices. We have run into a trap."

"Let's get out of here," Hermione said in terror. The pair of them turned around but were met by a hooded figure.

"It's too late for that," the hooded person said in a harsh, raspy tone. "You two are going to my master now or you will perish, sweater monkeys!" With that, three more hooded figures appeared behind Harry and Hermione and pushed them further into the woods. They were Death Eaters.

"Get moving!" one of the four Death Eaters commanded of them. Harry and Hermione started to move forward. However, there was a cracking of twigs in the distance that made everyone stop cold. There was another crack. Another. It sounded as if something large was running at them.

"What is it?" asked the first Death Eater.

"I don't know," said another, a little afraid. The sound was getting closer. It seemed as if the ground was shaking, as if an earthquake was sounding. Harry and Hermione both looked at each other in scared exasperation. Suddenly, one of the four Death Eaters cried out in pain and hit the ground. Everyone turned to look at the wounded person who now had an arrow in his right thigh.

"Rrruss!!" a new voice yelled from right in front of them. Everyone turned and three men on horseback bolted into the scene and ran down the remaining three Death Eaters. The riders were all dressed in thick armor. They each had a sword. Just then another six men on horseback strode up to them. One of the nine men on horseback dismounted and walked towards Harry and Hermione. He held out his hand to shake Harry's and Harry grabbed it and they shook hands.

"I am Arthur Castus, King of the Britains," he replied to Harry.

"I…I am Harry…Harry Potter," Harry said bewilderedly. He was bewildered because he was a Britain…dun…dun…dun… King Arthur nodded and smiled.

"I believe this idiot boy is your friend," Arthur said as he motioned to one of his knights. Ron fell off a horse, got up, and walked towards Harry and Hermione with an embarrassed smile on his face. "He walked into a trap and we saved him. I guess we didn't finish them all off." And with that, he kicked one of the Death Eaters and punched Ron in the face. "You needn't worry about them anymore, young Mr. Potter." Ron, Hermione, and Harry all smiled. "Let's get you guys back home," Arthur said to them. And with that, the three younguns mounted themselves with three of Arthur's knights and they rode back to the Weasley house. Harry invited them to stay for the wedding, but Arthur said how they had their own things to be doing that day. So they parted ways and Harry, Hermione, and Ron headed inside the house whilst Arthur and his knights rode back to the woods.

As the three got closer to the house, Lupin ran out of the werewolf door and started barking excitedly and wagging his butt. Harry, Ron, and Hermione took turns petting Lupin and then walked inside the house. They were met by Mrs. Weasley. She slapped Ron in the face and called him ugly. Ron ran to his room crying because he had emotional problems. Harry, Hermione, and Mrs. Weasley all laughed at Ron's emotional instability and then they laughed at Hermione since she was sort of dating Ron. It was jolly good times. Then Bill came running and wagging his butt excitedly.

"BARK! I get married today! WOOF!" he proclaimed. Mrs. Weasley smiled at him and gave him a treat. He took the treat and ate it quickly and happily.

"Now go get your tuxedo ready for the wedding, Sonny Jim," she told him. He ran up the stairs to do as his mother had told him. Fleur came running into the room now, excitedly as well.

"BARK! I am getting married today! WOOF!" she proclaimed. Everyone looked at her curiously. Harry looked at Hermione. Hermione looked at Harry. Mrs. Weasley then looked at both of them and they looked at her. Harry looked at Fleur. Fleur looked at Hermione. Hermione looked at Harry. Mrs. Weasley looked at her mirror reflection in the big mirror she was now holding. Everyone was quiet and confused. Fleur scratched her head. Harry scratched Hermione's head. Mrs. Weasley changed her pants. Everyone looked at Mrs. Weasley with weird expressions on their faces. Mrs. Weasley was embarrassed. Harry wasn't even wearing any pants. Everyone looked at him now. He shrugged and pulled his boxers off now too. Everyone smiled and shrugged.

"Oh that Harry," Harry said quietly as he started to laugh. Fleur and Hermione laughed as well. Mrs. Weasley smiled at them all and shook her head.

"Oh you boys," she said. Harry laughed some more. Hermione and Fleur looked at Mrs. Weasley as if they were hurt. Mrs. Weasley didn't know what she had done wrong so she shrugged and walked into the kitchen. Fleur and Hermione started crying and ran off to their rooms. Harry just kept laughing. Ron came down the stairs wiping the tears off his wet cheeks.

"What's up with them?" he asked Harry motioning towards the fleeing Hermione and Fleur. Harry stopped laughing and looked at Ron.

"Your mother called them boys," he said while trying to hold in bursts of laughter. Ron tried to suppress his laughter too, but he couldn't for long. He started laughing really hard and he and Harry rolled on the ground laughing. Lupin entered the room and started rolling on the ground laughing too. The three of them laughed for about two hours. Then Mrs. Weasley came over to them and forced all three of them to get up. She told them to get ready for the wedding because it was in an hour. All three of them went into Ron's room. Then Ron and Harry looked at Lupin.

"Why are you here?" they asked him puzzledly. He shrugged and walked out of the room, down the hall, down one flight of stairs, and to his room in the third floor closet. Harry and Ron then got dressed. Harry was still wearing no pants or underwear and Ron hadn't noticed until now.

"Dude," he said to Harry.

"I know," said Harry.

"But dude," said Ron.

"It's true," said Harry.

"Dude?" Ron asked Harry.

"I don't know. I'm just lucky, I guess," said Harry.

"Dude," said Ron.

"I know," said Harry. Then the two were silent and they got into their black tuxedos in total silence. They laced up their white Nike tennis shoes and walked out of their room and down the stairs. Hermione was in a pretty, green dress. It sparkled and her eyes twinkled. Ron and Harry looked at her in awe with mouths wide open. Hermione walked outside.

"Dude!" Harry proclaimed to Ron.

"I know!" proclaimed Ron back to Harry.

"Dude," said Ginny.

"I know," said Ron. The three of them then walked outside and walked around back to where the wedding would be. Except for the backyard looked incredible now. There were rows of white chairs for all the guests to sit. There was a wooden altar that had been gowned in a purple satin cloth. There were red and white flowers everywhere. The ground was a rich, green grass. Turtle doves flew unimpeded over their heads and an organ was playing some amazing music whilst everyone was waiting for the wedding to start. The three of them looked in awe at the magnificence of the setting. Hermione joined them and she too looked on in awe. The four of them were quite awed with awe-ness glazing in their awestruck eyes. Finally, Mrs. Weasley rushed the four awestruck teenagers to take their seats in the front row in the groom's side of the chairs. They did so but kept looking around in awe.

Many people had shown up to the wedding, including Percy and Charlie Weasley. Cornelius Fudge had also shown up. Hagrid was there and Fleur's old headmistress from the Beauxbatons school, Madame Maxime, had also shown up to Hagrid's delight. Hagrid sat next to her and behind Harry. Fred and George were there in blue tuxes. Charlie was actually Bill's Best Man and Fleur's younger sister, Mini Fleur, was Fleur's Maid of Honor. Percy, Mr. and Mrs. Weasley, Lupin, Tonks, and a few of Fleur's old school friends were in the wedding as well. Professor McGonagall was in the audience in the groom's side, and so were Professors Flitwick, Trelawney, Sprout, and Madame Pomfrey. Sir Nearly Headless Nick was there too. Mad-eye Moody was another guest at the wedding. So lots of people showed up to the Weasley home that afternoon and evening. The Ghostbusters staying with the Weasleys' were also in the audience, as well as Mick Dundee and his mates.

Finally, the wedding got started and the people involved in the wedding started walking down the isle on the red carpet that lay in front of them en route to the altar. They came down in pairs: first was Lupin and Tonks, followed by Percy and Mrs. Weasley. Mrs. Weasley had a smile on her face but also had tears rolling down her cheeks. She wore a red dress with bright red lace. Percy wore a green dress with dark green lace. Lupin and Tonks sported speedo-clothes: a speedo-dress for Tonks and a speedo-tuxedo for Lupin. Lupin's tux was green whilst Tonks' dress was red. Two pairs of Fleur's former school friends then came down the isle sporting green tuxedoes for the men and red dresses for the women. Finally, Mini Fleur and Charlie came down the isle. Mini Fleur wore a bright red dress and Charlie wore a sparkling green tuxedo. They made it to their rightful positions in front of the altar with Charlie beside his brother Bill and Mini Fleur on the other side of the altar with the rest of the bride's maids. Then the music changed and Fleur made her entrance in a beautiful white wedding gown. Her father, Papa Fleur, was escorting her down the isle and a little girl was behind Fleur holding up the end of Fleur's really long wedding dress. There were fake satin covered buttons along the dress. However, these buttons didn't actually button anything. The rest of the dress was white and very elegant. There was even a vale draped over Fleur's face so you couldn't see it too well. Fleur took her place beside Bill at the altar and the ceremony commenced.

It was going rather smoothly through the whole wedding. They finally got to one part and the priest asked the crowd:

"If anyone should think of a reason why these two people should not be joined in Holy Matrimony, then speak now or forever hold your peace." The whole crowd was silent. Bill and Fleur looked nervously around the many people hoping no one would say anything. No one felt there was any reason why Fleur and Bill should not be married. So Bill and Fleur both returned their gazes back to the priest who smiled down at them. "Then I hereby proclaim you Man and…"

But just then something disrupted the priest from finishing his sentence. Seven hooded figures in black robes and cloaks suddenly appeared amongst the crowd. They were all wearing some sort of mask on each of their faces. The one at the head of the seven pulled his mask off, and the other six did likewise.

"I have a reason," said the first hooded figure to remove his mask in a cruel and wispy yet deep voice. "This man is more of a dog now that he has been bitten by a werewolf and so this couple should be proclaimed: Beast and Wife." He smiled contemptuously at Bill. Everyone was silent.

"Voldemort," said Mugatu from the crowd. "He's so hot right now. Voldemort." Everyone turned and looked at Mugatu. No one had even seen him enter so they were all quite confused by how he was able to make this comment to them right now.

"Who the heck are you?!?" asked a puzzled Harry to Mugatu. "And why are you wearing my underwear on your head?!?!" But Mugatu ignored these questions from Harry and told Maury Ballstein that he wanted a latte. Maury got up and went to get Mugatu his latte.

"Ooooook," said Voldemort who was also confused by this scene. "I have come for Harry. So give me Harry." He looked at the crowd in earnest because he had not seen Harry yet and didn't know where he was. "Fine," he told the crowd angrily. "Have it your way." And with that, he said something in snake language, which looked like this: "Ssssomething in ssssnake language!" Out of nowhere, the giant serpent Nagini sprang forth. "Find Harry Potter-sssss!" he told the snake. Nagini started to slither through the crowd. However, the giant snake caught the eye of Mick Dundee and his friends.

"No worries, mate!" exclaimed Mick enthusiastically as he reached for his long knife and charged the serpent. His friends just watched as he got closer to Nagini. He tried to do his mind trick with the humming and the weird finger movements to lull the creature to sleep, but it didn't work. Just then, Nagini bit Mick's right arm off. "Crikey!" shrieked Mick. "She bit me arm off!!" However, Mick was trained at this and knew what to do. He just pushed really hard and a new arm popped out of where his bleeding stub was. He then motioned with his new right arm for his friends to get behind him and the four characters wrestled Nagini to the ground. They grabbed around Nagini's torso, or anywhere they could grab, and they wrestled it to the ground and lay on top of it. Then Mick grasped the head of the serpent and one of his mates tied the mouth shut. They then blindfolded the snake and put it in their truck. "Now we have to get this beast to the pub in Australia so's I can skin it," Mick told his friends who were now watching him nervously again. They got into the truck and drove away and out of sight.

"Touche, Crocodile Dundee," said a sullen Voldemort. "Touche." He then motioned for his six Death Eaters to grab Harry. However, before they could find him, they were met by something they did not expect: members of the good guys' side. Lupin, Tonks, all the Hogwarts' teachers, Hagrid, Madame Maxime, Charlie, Percy, Cornelius Fudge, and the pink Energizer Bunny all stepped between the Death Eaters and Harry.

"They're break-dance fighting!" exclaimed Mugatu. And sure enough, the Death Eaters and the good guys were in fact break-dance fighting. It was a sight to see. All of the spin moves! All the fancy footwork and hand movements! It was glorious! The Death Eaters included Snape, Lucius Malfoy, Crabbe, Goyle, Bellatrix Lestrange, and McNair. Snape was eagerly break dance fighting with Lupin.

"You're as bad a dancer as you were a teacher," Snape sneered at Lupin.

"That may be," said Lupin in defense. "But you're ugly. And you have a really large nose too." Lupin gave a satisfied smirk at Snape as Snape fell on his ass. Just as Lupin began to laugh, a red rubber ball came flying through the air and hit Lupin on the side of the face. "OW!" Lupin cried. "What is the meaning of this?!" he asked as he picked up the ADAA (American Dodgeball Association of America) approved ball that had struck him. Tonks looked at Lupin quizzically. All of a sudden another ball came flying towards Tonks.

"NOOO!" cried Lupin in slow motion as he dove for Tonks. But it was too late. The ball hit her smack in the face and that bitch went down. Everyone looked to where the balls had come from and out came the Purple Cobras.

"You're out!" boasted the small leader of the Purple Cobras: White Goodman. Snape now gave the satisfied smirk as Tonks and Lupin took a seat outside the fray. Another ball came out of the hands of a Purple Cobra (Meshell) and Charlie went down. A couple more balls and Percy and Professor McGonagall were also out.

"This Good Guy team doesn't look up to snub," commentated Cotton McKnight on the performance going on now. "It appears that this Good Guy team will be going home early."

All of a sudden Professor Trelawney was the only one left for the good guys.

"It looks like this is the end for this Good Guys team," commentated Cotton. But then Professor Trelawney hurled a ball and hit one of the Purple Cobras (Blade) in the chest and the ball bounced off his chest and rolled back to her.

"Hold the phone! She's got a cannon!" reported Pepper Brooks excitedly. Professor Trelawney then threw another ball and got another one of the Purple Cobras out (Lazer). Then Meshell threw a ball at her and she caught it. Lupin started running back into the game when another ball came their way. He caught it and Tonks was back in.

"The tides have changed, my friend," said an intrigued Cotton Mcknight. There were just two Purple Cobras left and the Death Eaters started to look scared. One of the two remaining Purple Cobras threw a ball and Tonks caught it and Charlie was back in. Then Charlie, Professor Trelawney, Tonks, and Lupin all grabbed a ball and they each hurled the balls at the last remaining Purple Cobra. The Cobra took all four hits and the match was over! The Good Guys won!

"Do you believe in unlikelihoods?!!" asked Cotton Mcknight in a happy but shocked tone. "The Good Guys have won in a shocking comeback!"

"I feel shocked!" claimed Pepper Brooks. Cotton Mcknight looked at Pepper like he thought he was stupid. The six Death Eaters all looked horrified at the winners of this dodgeball match. They were scared and so they ran away screaming and crying and wetting themselves. However, Lord Voldemort had found Harry whilst the whole ordeal between the Death Eaters and Good Guys took place and he didn't need assistance for what he was about to do…


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7: The Showdown

Voldemort walked up behind Harry and tapped him on Harry's right shoulder. Harry turned to his right but no one was there.

"Hahaha, I got you good!" laughed Voldemort from Harry's left side.

"Hahaha, touché, man! Touche. That was a good one," Harry laughed. They laughed for a while and then they stopped. Then Voldemort put his hand on Harry's shoulder and spoke to Harry.

"I must kill you now. No offense but I need you dead."

"You suck," Harry said in retaliation. "And your mother's a whore!"

Just then BANG! And out popped Dobby the house elf. He proceeded to give Voldemort an atomic wedgie and a wet willy. Then another BANG! And Dobby had disapparated again. With Voldemort's underwear now stretched over his head, Harry got an idea. He punched Voldemort in the balls and Voldemort hunched forward in pain.

"I hope you can enjoy your victory with one frickin' eye!" Harry said loudly and boldly. Then he raised his wand and plunged it into Voldemort's right eye. Voldemort squealed like a baby.

"WAAAAAA! You no play fair!! I telling!!" screamed Voldemort. He stripped the wand free of his now-bleeding eye socket and conjured up a new eye. He blinked a few times to make sure it was in focus and then glared down at Harry. Harry did a double take at this glare because he had never seen Voldemort look so angry AND ugly! Ron and Hermione came rushing over to Harry's side raising their wands and pointing them at Voldemort. Mr. and Mrs. Weasley ran to Harry's aid too. Voldemort saw this and grew angrier. He looked at the Weasley parental units and flicked his wand towards them saying, "_A MILLION DOLLARS-EEEO_!" Mr. and Mrs. Weasley both stopped cold and then raced after the money. Voldemort then pointed his wand at Ron and shouted "_RED MAN THONG-EEEO_!" Ron's eyes opened widely as he looked down at his pants and pulled them down. Yep, he was definitely wearing a red man thong. Hermione's eyes lit up and she chased Ron out of the backyard and into the Weasley house. Ginny came to defend Harry too now but Voldemort just backhanded her across the side of her face with the back of his hand. She went flying into a wall with such tremendous force that she was unconscious when she hit the ground. Harry looked horrifiedly at her motionless body. It was now just Harry and Voldemort because no one else dared to come to Harry's aid now. Voldemort's eyes were fiery red with anger.

"Any last words, Potter?!!" he snarled angrier than ever. Harry thought for a moment.

"Spurious," he finally said to Lord Voldemort. Voldemort raised his right eyebrow and thought for a moment. He liked this word.

"That's a pretty good one," he said to Harry. Harry beamed. Just then Hedwig flew at Voldemort. Voldemort ducked and then hurled a fireball at Hedwig's back that sent her careening into a tree trunk and knocked her out cold. However, the momentary distraction enabled Harry to lunge forward, take his wand from Voldemort's hand, roll on the ground, and leap to his feet with his wand pointed directly at Lord Voldemort's chest. Voldemort smiled menacingly and applauded Harry.

"Very good, Potter, yes. It is clearly evident how powerful a wizard you have become. One that is capable of taking something from one who is distracted. So let us now match the fearsome powers of Lord Voldemort with the legendary powers of the famous Harry Potter." He bowed to Harry and Harry cautiously did likewise, bowing to Lord Voldemort. The two then walked about five steps away from each other and turned towards one another with wands ready.

"Very good, Potter," Voldemort said deviously. "You have learned a lot at that school that teaches you things. Let us see how much you retained from them." Voldemort started saying the Cruciatus Curse but Harry said one before Voldemort could finish.

"_EXTRA LARGE WINKYO_!" Harry yelled and all of a sudden all the color left Voldemort's already colorless face. He hunched over in pain. His underwear was waaay too small and so it like hurt and stuff. Finally, Voldemort's little friend named Winky was able to rip through his underwear and lay sprawled on the ground like an anaconda. Voldemort gave a sigh of relief but was far from thrilled. He looked at Harry hot-headedly.

"Clever," he said to Harry. "But I will pay for this!!" Harry looked at him and nodded and said "yeah." Voldemort then thought a moment and rephrased his last comment. "You'll pay for this!!" Harry looked at him and nodded and said "yeah." Voldemort then thought a moment and rephrased his last comment. "I'll pay for this!!" Harry looked at him for a long time and tilted his head to one side. He was confused and raised his eyebrow at Voldemort. Voldemort then thought a moment and rephrased his last phrase. "I'll pay for this!!"

"You just, you just said that," said an even more confused Harry.

"Damn," proclaimed Lord Voldemort. "So I did." Harry and Voldemort just stood there for a while not talking. Both of them were too confused to say anything.

"Well, this is awkward," said Voldemort.

"Yeah, just a little bit," said Harry.

"I can't curse you now," Voldemort said. "That would be too cruel."

"But you're Lord Voldemort," said Harry. "You _are_ cruel."

"Touche," said Lord Voldemort. "Well aight, I think I can kill you now." He raised his wand but Harry was quicker again. He pointed his wand at Voldemort's extra long winky.

"_BANGKOK-EEEO_!" Just then Voldemort double-taked in pain.

"OUCHIES!!" he whined. "My winky hurts!! Make it stop!!" So Harry let his wand down and the pain in Voldemort's winky subsided. Voldemort gave another sigh of relief. He then glared at Harry and yelled "_UGLY GLASSES-EEEO_!" Harry's glasses became really ugly and people screamed when they saw him.

"No fair!" complained Harry in a fit of rage. He started stomping the ground and crying and throwing rocks at the Energizer Bunny. Voldemort was pleased with himself. He smirked at Harry and started laughing maniacally and threw rocks at the Energizer Bunny as well. Harry threw his glasses off his face, looked in the direction of Voldemort since he couldn't see too well without his glasses. He then thought of a great curse and a smile formed on Harry's face.

"_NAKED-EEEO_!" And with that, Lord Voldemort was completely naked. Voldemort shrieked when he saw his white and naked body. He tried to cover himself but was too naked to cover everything with his hands. Some of the ladies saw the naked Voldemort and were like "oooooo! Very nice!" Voldemort smiled at them but then focused on Harry.

"_CRAZY HAIR-EEEO_!" Harry's hair became really long and crazy like. It was an afro in the front but was also quite long in other places. It was craaaazy!! Harry kind of liked it.

"Thanks," he said.

"No problem, dude," said Lord Voldemort to Harry.

"_ELF EARS-EEEO_!!" yelled Harry at Voldemort and all of a sudden Lord Voldemort's ears became long and pointed at the top. He let out another shriek. He did not like this. Not one bit. He curled his lip and thought hard for another curse for Harry.

"_BEER BELLY-EEEO_!" he finally shot at Harry. Harry's belly let out a little growl and then fell out of his shirt and over his pants. Harry was disgusted. This was despicable. He was outraged at Voldemort, but then he thought of a brilliant curse for the Dark Lord. His eyes twinkled at this one and Lord Voldemort raised his wand and an eyebrow. Harry twirled his wand and yelled "_DIET PEPSI-EEEO_!" A Diet Pepsi shot out of his wand and shot towards Lord Voldemort. Lord Voldemort caught the bottle of soda and opened it. He took a drink and spat it out. He then fell on his knees in disappointment and looked skywards.

"NOOOOOO!" Voldemort yelled to the skies. "It's diet!!" Harry laughed at Voldemort's disappointment. So did all the spectators. Voldemort was still naked and had elf ears and an extra long winky. Harry wasn't wearing glasses, had a huuuge beer belly and had craaazy hair. Both of them were sights to behold. Voldemort's eyes became bloodshot with rage. He turned to Harry and fired a nasty curse at him.

"_ANTS IN YOUR PANTS_!" Voldemort cursed at Harry. Lots of ants flew out of Lord Voldemort's wand tip and shot towards Harry. They went into Harry's pants. Harry squealed unpleasantly. He tried to grab each ant but there were so many. He rolled on the ground and scratched his butt but nothing worked. He finally pulled his pants and underwear off. Then he conjured a kiddy pool and plunged into the two feet of water. Harry laid his head back in triumph and glee. He felt so relaxed in the water seeing all the ants floating there motionless. Voldemort stopped his laughing and strolled up to Harry in the kiddy pool. He pointed his wand at Harry and yelled "_REALLY TIGHT PANTS-EEEO_!" Harry's eyes squinted and it felt like all the circulation had been cut off from his lower half. Harry couldn't breathe. He tried to say something but couldn't. Then there was another loud BANG! Dobby appeared again and gave Voldemort an enema and then he pulled Harry's pants off. Harry could breathe again. He thanked Dobby and Dobby poked Voldemort in the eye and then disapparated again. Oh that Dobby…always is showing up in the knick of time. Touche, Dobby. Touche. Harry felt relieved and Voldemort was not feeling too good because the enema was kicking in now.

He glared heatedly at Harry now and grabbed his butt. "This is not over, Potter!" he fumed. "You won't always have that nasty house elf to help you in tough situations and give me enemas!" And just like that, Voldemort disapparated and the terror was ended. Hermione and Ron came running over to Harry.

Hermione pointed her wand at Harry and Harry shrieked and shielded his eyes thinking she was going to curse him. "_BACK TO NORMAL-EEEO_!" she said. All of a sudden, everything was returned to normal with regards to Harry's appearance. He gave a sigh of relief, although he would miss the hair because he had liked it. He was glad that his appearance was back to normal, though. The realization that Voldemort had escaped was a little upsetting but it was also a relief to know that he (Harry) had survived it. However, Lord Voldemort was right: next time he probably wouldn't have the aid of characters other than himself when he was dueling with Lord Voldemort. It would be entirely up to Harry to destroy the Dark Lord. For now, he was glad that he would live to see another day with his friends. It also made him happy to think of Lord Voldemort struggling through his enema. Haha, oh that Dobby! He got Voldemort good!

Ron and Hermione were happy to see that Harry had survived the duel with Lord Voldemort. Hermione was also a little embarrassed that the red man thong curse had caused her to chase after Ron and not help Harry.

"It's ok," said Harry after she apologized for like the one kajillionth time. "It's no big deal. I wanted to face him alone anyway. Besides, you really like those red man thongs."

Hermione blushed. It was true: she did like those red man thongs. Ron laughed. Pigwidgeon did another cool dance move.

"Pigwidgeon. He's so hot right now. Pigwidgeon," said Mugatu. Harry, Ron, and Hermione all turned to face Mugatu. Harry wasn't too thrilled to see Mugatu because he was still wearing Harry's underwear on his head. It was quite peculiar. They looked at Mugatu. Mugatu looked at them. Maury Ballstein looked at his hand because apparently he had two of them and he had not noticed this before.

"Dear God! It's beautiful!" Maury said of his second hand.

"It's just a hand," Harry said lazily. "Everyone has them."

"Yes, but does everyone have _two _of them?!"

"Most people, yeah."

Maury didn't know what to say to this. This was appalling! This really upset him. He couldn't believe most people had two hands! He looked at his two hands one last time. He no longer was a cool exception. He was…ordinary. Maury looked up at Harry and bit his bottom lip trying to hold back tears. However, he couldn't hold them back for long. The tears swelled his eyes and Maury ran away crying really loudly. Harry, Hermione, Ron, and Mugatu watched as Maury ran away past the Weasley house and disappeared behind the stuff he disappeared behind. The three teens looked at one another and shook their heads. Then they started laughing because they were mean that way and enjoyed laughing at the pain of others. Mugatu was not impressed by the cruelty of these three adolescents. So Mugatu pulled Harry's pair of underwear off his head and handed it back to Harry.

"You need to work on controlling your bed-wetting there, son," he said to Harry. Harry blushed as he took his underwear back from Mugatu. Ron and Hermione started giggling at the thought of Harry being a bed-wetter. Mugatu looked at them. He told Ron that he needed to stop trying on his mother's dresses when no one was looking. Ron's head sank. That was a low blow. Now everyone knew what he did in his free time! Then Mugatu looked at Hermione. Hermione stopped laughing at Harry and Ron and instead gazed intently at Mugatu. Mugatu smiled. He told her that she needed to stop talking to walls. Hermione smirked at that one because she hadn't talked to walls in a good while now. Plus, everyone already knew she talked to walls and so it wasn't that embarrassing.

"Is that the best you can do?" she asked Mugatu contentedly.

"No," said Mugatu matter-of-factly.

"Oh?" Hermione asked absent-mindedly.

"You also need to stop daydreaming about Uncle Vernon in his red man thong. There's a time and a place for everything, but that shit is whack!"

The mouths of Harry and Ron both fell open simultaneously. They were shocked! This news was not pleasant to think about! Hermione was stunned. She had no idea anyone would know about her daydreams. Her eyes dropped to her feet. She had two of them. Mugatu was pretty proud of his work. The three teen-age adolescents were all quiet now. He felt he had inflicted enough damage for one day.

"My work here is done," he told them. He put his pants back on and walked away, leaving Harry, Ron, and Hermione in stunned quiet. He got on his white stallion and rode off into the sunset. Harry and Ron still had mouths ajar, and Hermione was still looking at her feet. They stayed that way for at least a few sentences until I wrote that they stopped being stunned and actually did something else worth writing about. That moment is now: they stopped being stunned and actually did something worth writing about.

Harry closed his mouth…and then he turned to his two best friends. They stopped being stunned and embarrassed too and looked at Harry. The wedding had actually never really ended since it had been interrupted right before it could finish. Harry walked over to Ginny, who was still unconscious by the wall she had been knocked in to. He put pepper up to her nose and she breathed suddenly and woke up. Then she sneezed on Harry. Hermione and Ron watched from a distance as Harry lost it.

"EWWWWW! Ginny bogies!" Harry whined as he wiped his arm off on Ginny's dress. She was not impressed by this reaction from Harry. So she slapped him across the face. Ron and Hermione looked at Harry to see what his reaction to being slapped would be. Harry was angered by Ginny slapping him so he slapped her across the face. Then she slapped him across his face harder than the time before for slapping her across her face. He slapped her harder across her face now. So Ginny kicked Harry in the face. Ron and Hermione were looking from Harry to Ginny quite quickly now. Harry pulled off his tennis shoes and pelted Ginny in the face with one and then the other a couple of times. Ginny took Harry's glasses off his face and poked him in the eyes. Harry pinched Ginny's right forearm. Ron enjoyed that one. Ginny was appalled by this because that little pinch really hurt! So she gave Harry a wet willy. Hermione liked that one. Harry in turn gave Ginny an atomic wedgie. Ron laughed. Ginny gave Harry an enema. Hermione laughed. So Harry gave Ginny a brownie with chocolate super-lax in it and she ate it quite rapidly. And that was all she wrote. Both Harry's and Ginny's eyes started bulging and they both had to high-tail it to the nearest restroom. Ron and Hermione watched as Harry and Ginny sprinted for the nearest restroom.

"Mental, those two," Ron told Hermione. She nodded. Then they just stood in silence for a silent moment before the silence was broken by…uh…a noise? A giant bear came out of the woods behind Ron and Hermione and roared. It stood on its hind legs and waved its massive front paws over its head whilst it gave a blood-thirsty roar that could be heard for miles and miles. Then a bigger bear ran out of the woods and ate the first bear. Then the bigger bear returned into the woods. Ron and Hermione were thoroughly confused by this. They couldn't register what just happened because their brains were not working at the moment. As they scratched their heads, the rest of the Weasley family came out of the house (with the exception of Ginny because she was a little preoccupied) and joined Ron and Hermione.

"Well let's finish the wedding then," Mr. Weasley told all of them. The rest of the family all nodded. And with that everyone got back into their rightful places and the priest declared Bill and Fleur to be 'man and wife' and it was all over after Bill and Fleur kissed. The wedding was finally over.

Harry and Ginny ran down the stairs of the Weasley house feeling loads better and they ran out back to join everyone else. However, the wedding had just ended so they had missed it.

"Oh well," said Harry. "At least we get cake!"

"Yeah!" exclaimed Ginny. But then Mrs. Weasley walked over to Ginny with a very stern expression on her face.

"Where haaave you been?!?!" she fumed. Ginny was startled and started to say something but couldn't manage to get any words out. "Chair empty. No note. You could have been killed! But of course I don't blame you, Harry dear." She turned back to Ginny and slapped her across the face. Ginny massaged her tender cheek. This enraged Mrs. Weasley even more, so she slapped Ginny across the other cheek. Ginny started massaging the other cheek as well. Mrs. Weasley was really fuming now. She punched Ginny right in the nose and it started bleeding. Ginny massaged her nose now. That was not a good idea. Mrs. Weasley punched Ginny's right ear. Ginny was running out of hands to massage everything so she just started crying and ran to her room. Ron and Hermione strolled over to see what all the commotion was.

"Oh that Ginny," Harry said softly as he started to laugh. Ron and Hermione started laughing too, even though they didn't really know why. Mrs. Weasley smiled at them all and shook her head.

"Oh you boys!" she said. Hermione felt insulted by this since she was in fact not a boy, or something like that. She started crying too and ran to her room (the upstairs closet). Harry and Mrs. Weasley started laughing. Ron smiled and shook his head.

"Oh you boys!" he said. This enraged Mrs. Weasley. So she punched him in the face. Ron fell flat on his back. Harry kept laughing, which made Mrs. Weasley laugh too. She walked away. Harry helped his best friend to his feet. Ron felt a little weak right now because his mom had just socked him perty good in the face. He leaned on Harry and Harry struggled with the weight of Ron on him. He somehow managed to get both of them to a nearby table. Tables had now replaced the chairs and benches that had been used for the wedding. Harry and Ron sat down.

"Bloody hell that hurt!" he exclaimed to Harry whilst massaging his neck and shoulders.

"I thought she had punched you in the face?"

"Oh yeah. I forgot," Ron told Harry and he stopped massaging his neck and shoulders and instead massaged his left cheek. Ron's stupidity angered Harry and so he socked Ron on the back of the head. Ron fell forward and his face landed in some mud. Harry helped him to his feet and helped him back to the chair he had been sitting in. Ron massaged his cheek and now the back of his head. He wasn't talking to Harry at the moment because he was a little disgruntled. Harry laughed at Ron's sour expression. Ginny and Hermione walked over to the two boys and they both sat down at the same table as Ron and Harry.

"What's with him?" Ginny asked Harry motioning at Ron.

"I dunno," Harry lied. Ron shot him a nasty expression, which angered Ginny. So Ginny hit Ron with a baseball bat. Ron fell on his face again in the mud. Ginny continued to hit him with a baseball bat. Lupin and Tonks saw this and they came running and started hitting Ron with baseball bats too! The three were wailing on Ron now. Harry and Hermione just laughed. Mrs. Weasley came over and she too started laughing. Everyone meandered over to see Ron getting pelted by baseball bats. Even Percy was laughing at Ron's pain! After a while, the bats stopped hitting Ron and he was able to get up and sit down again. Everyone continued to laugh. Even Ron was laughing now!! Haha, good times. Yes, good times.

Anyway, the story must continue. So everyone stopped laughing at Ron. They all took seats at the many tables in the yard. A toast was given for the hopeful success of the marriage of Bill and Fleur, blah blah blah. Then everyone danced and had a good time, blah blah blah. And that was the end of the wedding and wedding reception. Yep, that was it. Nothing else happened. Nope, nothing at all. Well, time to move on to better things.

Voldemort was now fully recovered from his enema (as the toilet was flushed again), but he was not happy. He wanted to end Harry Potter's life at that wedding, but now he would have to do it some other time. He walked around his elegant room, with like green carpet and other cool and elegant things. Rage flowed through every once of flesh he had, which was more than like 64 ounces and that's a fair amount of ounces! A knock came at his door.

"Come in," he answered gruffly. Lucius Malfoy meandered into Voldemort's room.

"My Lord," he said meekly. "You wanted to see me?"

"Yes," said Voldemort deep in thought. "I want you to take a few thousand Death Eaters and go and get the giants for our army. Are you up for the task?" Voldemort looked at Lucius expecting him to protest, but Lucius instead just gave him a stunned expression.

"But, My Lord," said Lucius. "We have the giants…they're already helping us kill people and stuff." Lord Voldemort eyed Lucius wearily. Lucius looked at his feet. They were attached to his legs. Lord Voldemort then stroked his beard for several long seconds before finally realizing he had no beard. He was clean shaven. He decided to talk now to Lucius.

"Yes, Lucius," he began. "I knew the giants were working for us already. I was just testing you. You passed with an 'Acceptable.'" Lucius was overjoyed by this news. In fact, he was so overjoyed that he wet himself. Lord Voldemort was disgusted with this wetting-himself-ness. It was embarrassing. "Riiight," he said to Lucius. "Go clean yourself and after you are done with that, take a thousand Death Eaters, or maybe just seven or eight, whatever, and take the giants with you to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. There you will destroy Hagrid, any creature in that forest thing that is not on our side, and any teacher, witch, or wizard that comes in your way. Also recruit anyone or anything you can into our army, even if it has to be by force. That is your task, see that it is done or I will eat you!! Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes, My Lord," Lucius said with a bow. "Is that all, Sire?" Voldemort nodded silently. Lucius turned and headed for the door. "Then I take my leave," he said to Lord Voldemort. Before he got too far, Voldemort stopped him.

"By the way, Lucius," he said to his Death Eater. "Those pants…they make your butt look big. That'll be all. Off with you, off with you." Lucius looked down at his legs.

"But, My Lord," he said confusedly. "I'm not wearing any pants." He looked at Voldemort with confusion written on his forehead, a silly thing Snape had done to him the night before: writing 'confusion' on Lucius' forehead. Anyway, Lord Voldemort did not like it when people questioned him. So he slapped Lucius across the face.

"I said good day!" Voldemort exclaimed. Lucius looked at the ground. His cheek hurt. He left Lord Voldemort's room and headed outside to the stables. He ran into Snape. Snape laughed when he saw Lucius with confusion written all over his face…and forehead.

"My dear Severus," Snape said to Lucius. "What is that over your forehead?" Lucius gave him a confused look and then realized Snape's mistake.

"No no no, _you_ are Severus. _I_ am Lucius, Lucius Malfoy." Snape eyed him wearily. Then he grasped what Lucius was saying. He understood now: _he_ was Severus, Severus Snape. That other guy was Lucius Malfoy. It all made sense now! It was clear! All that longtime he had been living a lie, all those 34 seconds. But now the truth had set him free. Or something like that. Both men just stood there a little while in silence. Then the horse nearest them crapped on the ground and it made a loud _THUD!_ as it hit the ground. It was one stinky pile of crap, I'll tell you that much. Snape and Lucius both covered their noses and walked to the bench near them that was a little farther away from the horses and their stinky crap. Snape looked at Lucius.

"I'm supposed to take a thousand Death Eaters and all of the giants to go and retrieve anyone or anything for the Dark Lord's army at Hogwarts. Also, we need to kill Hagrid, any creature not on the Dark Lord's side, and any teacher, witch, or wizard who gets in the way," Lucius told Snape. "Will you join me?" Snape didn't say anything. "Severus, your aid in this would be quite helpful and gratefully accepted. Please come with us or perish, sweater monkey!"

"Lucius," Snape replied nervously. "Faramir is a man, not a hobbit. And some of those creatures at Hogwarts or in the forest near Hogwarts are large and ferocious and stuff. They might kill us."

"The Dark Lord wants them, and if that means dying for him then I would graciously do it. After all, he did free me from Azkaban."

Snape looked at the ground. Then he nodded his head. "Yes, Lucius. Yes I will go with you and the giants to kill that half-giant Hagrid." A smile formed on Lucius' face and he clasped Snape's right hand and gave it a good, hard squeeze.

"We leave at first light, Severus." With that, Lucius got up and left. Snape stayed on the bench for a few more minutes. He was a little scared about encountering those creatures. Some were big and furry. They were feared and dangerous. And Snape didn't want to die…yet. Night fell quickly as the Death Eaters prepared to leave in the morning. They went to sleep and dreamed of hot, naked cheerleaders. Then morning came, and one thousand Death Eaters, armed with swonds, bows, cursed arrows, daggers, and other forms of weapons, mounted their horses and left with the giants to kill Hagrid and do anything else necessary for the Dark Lord.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8: Random Allies

The day after the wedding of Bill and Fleur (or Bleur if you combine the two names), word spread across the Burrow about how Lord Voldemort had beaten Sauron some time ago. The word spread like wildfire. People from all over the world were beginning to hear of this Lord Voldemort and his awesome powers because the Weasleys liked to gab. That's what they did; it was their thing. Fear started to etch its way into the hearts of many. Who would help them if Voldemort attacked? What allies were left to fight this master army? These questions and more were especially going through the minds of everyone in the Burrow. They didn't know if they could muster up an army strong enough to launch an assault, or even defend themselves if worse came to worse. They needed reinforcements, but where would they find them?

"You're a whore, Kelley," Jaime said to his friend and housemate as he conjured up a Coke and started drinking it.

"No I'm not," replied Kelley twirling his wand in his right hand. "It's not Tuesday, therefore you're the whore."

"Damn, touché. Well played." Jaime and Kelley were both collegiate students at a university in some country on a planet where people live. They were both in their sophomore years as undergrads. They had been roommates in the dorms the year before and now they, and three other people, shared a house. The three other people were Stephanie Gates, Patrick "Beard" Cannady, and Chris Parker. Patrick was nicknamed "Beard" because he wanted one badly but couldn't seem to grow one. He had tried all the spells he could possibly think of, but none of them had worked. His chin was as smooth as a baby's bottom. Stephanie was a friend of both Kelley and Jaime, and actually also to Chris Parker, a.k.a. Crispy. She had grown up in the same town as Jaime and Kelley: Citytownvillagefieldville. She and Jaime had also played baseball together growing up. Chris Parker had grown up in a trash can. He liked cookies. He was the oldest of the household, but was still in the same class standing as the other four because he was taking the year off to work and earn some money. Patrick "Beard" Cannady had grown up under there. Under where, you ask? Hahaha! You said underwear!! Haha! He and Jaime had met freshmen year in biology lab. They had tried to blow each other up, but then realized how they had both met their match so they stopped trying to blow each other up. Their second semester, they had bio lab and bio lecture together, as well as English 218. So now they were good friends and housemates who didn't try to blow each other up anymore. These five companions were not your ordinary college students though. They were special, and not in the retarded way, though some would argue that they were retarded. Word had not quite reached them of Lord Voldemort, but it soon would. And these five students would become some of the most important allies Harry Potter and company had because they didn't have many friends. Anyway, this little story in the bigger story begins in those five peoples' house. Yes that's right: this is a story in a story. So sue me…actually don't. I like my money. It's like green and stuff. Anyway, the story…

"GROW-A-BEARD!" Pat shouted as he tried to grow a beard with his wand. It didn't work. Instead, it burned his chin. Pat wasn't too happy with this. He really wanted a beard but he just couldn't seem to create a spell that could successfully give him one. He was a great wizard, but he had not yet mastered a beard-making spell. Jaime walked into the room. He sported a bushy black beard. He liked it. It was hairy and beardlike. Pat yearned for it. But he couldn't get it. "Show me how you made that beard, Jaime!!" Pat begged Jaime.

"Ummmm, well," sputtered Jaime. "It just grew on me. One morning I woke up and was like, 'well damn, I have a beard.' And so now I have a beard." Pat eyed him suspiciously with his…eyes. Yes that's right, his eyes! He blinked. Jaime was a little uncomfortable right now. Pat stared at Jaime. Jaime stared right back at him with his eyebrows raised. Pat just kept staring at Jaime. Jaime stared at Pat. Stephanie came in the room and stared at Jaime too. Kelley came in and slapped Stephanie for no good reason. Pat and Jaime also slapped Stephanie now for no reason. Crispy came into the room now just to slap Stephanie and then walked out of the room. Stephanie's cheeks were now red. Jaime's glasses were helping him see. Pat had no beard. Kelley was also in this scene. The leprechaun in the corner had a pot of gold. And then the Energizer Bunny walked through the room and a voice was overheard that said, "It just keeps going and going and…" Everyone looked at the Energizer Bunny. Pat kicked it and everyone laughed. Jolly good times! Then everyone looked at each other and went their separate ways.

Stephanie walked into her room across the hallway from Jaime's. Jaime entered his room and shut the door. He always did that. Pat's room was above Stephanie's and Jaime's. It was the only room on the second floor. Kelley went into his master bedroom all the way on the other side of the house. It was big and masterful. Thus its name as the master bedroom. He liked his room because it was big and stuff. Crispy still liked cookies. He would put them in his mouth and eat them. They made crunching sounds when he did this. Anyway, the doorbell rang. Crispy went to open it. When he opened it, he saw this small man named Frankie Looloo. Frankie was an extra and had no real relevance to the book other than in this scene.

"Ummm, who are you?" Crispy interrogated the man.

"I am Frankie Looloo," said the extra.

"Frankie who?" asked Crispy.

"Frankie Loo…it's not important. But this is:" Crispy eyed him curiously as Frankie searched in his pocket.

"Ah ha!" he exclaimed. He pulled his fist out of his pocket and showed it to Crispy.

"What's in your hand?" Crispy asked.

"Are you a supporter of Lord Voldemort?"

"No," replied Crispy. Frankie wasn't too happy with this response so with the fist he had just pulled out of his pocket he slapped Crispy across the left cheek. Then he slapped him a couple more times across both cheeks. After this was done, Frankie laughed and ran away. However, before he had made it off the lawn, a bus came out of nowhere and hit him. Frankie will be missed. Well no, not really actually: no one really cared about him because they hadn't known him to begin with. Crispy was a little confused here. Who the heck was Frankie Looloo?! And why was a bus driving on their yard? He scratched his head, but then he remembered he was making a quesadilla on the stove in the kitchen so he bolted for it. However, once he got there he found a nasty shock on the kitchen table: Dobby was eating his quesadilla. This angered Crispy and so he tore his shirt off in rage.

"Why you little!!" he shouted as he dove for Dobby. The little house elf was scared at seeing this angry person dive at him, so he moved and Crispy hit the stove. Touche, Dobby. Touche. Moving out of the way. Who would have thought he could do something so cleverly. And then Dobby snapped his fingers and was gone. Crispy shook the pain out of his head. The pain fell out and landed on the ground. Kelley walked into the kitchen. Crispy tried to warn Kelley of the pain on the ground in slow motion.

"No, Kelley! Don't step right the…" But it was too late, Kelley stepped in the pain. All of a sudden Kelley cried out.

"OUCHIES! It stings!" Crispy ran to Kelley's side and slapped him across the face.

"Get a hold of yourself, man!" Kelley shook the pain out of his head, and again it fell to the floor. This time though, Crispy ran and grabbed a paper towel and picked up the pain in the paper towel and threw it away. Good thing too because just then Stephanie, Jaime, and Pat all came into the kitchen.

"What's all that commotion?" Pat asked.

"Yeah," agreed Stephanie. "I can't hear myself think." Everyone looked at her inquisitively. Stephanie thinks? They all looked at each other and shrugged. Meh.

"I was just throwing my pain away," Crispy explained.

"Yeah," said Kelley. "But before he did that, I stepped in it and it like hurt and stuff." Everyone looked at Kelley. Kelley looked at Everyone. Stephanie, Pat, Crispy, and Jaime turned and looked at Everyone as well.

"Who are you?" demanded Jaime irritably.

"I'm Everyone," said the stranger. "Who the fuck are you?"

"I'm a man," replied Jaime.

"Touche," said Everyone. "I thought you were a hobbit."

"Yeah, I get that a lot."

"I'll bet you do."

"It's true."

"Well ok."

"Yep."

"Your mother's a whore."

"I slept with your wife."

"I'm single."

"Touche."

"I'm also wearing your pants."

"I soiled those pants."

"I'm taking off your pants."

"You better."

"Oh I am."

"Well ok."

"Alright."

"You do that."

"I am doing it."

"Damn straight."

"They're off."

"EWWW! You sick fuck! Put your pants back on!"

"They're your pants."

"Oh yeah, I forgot."

"Well ok."

"Soooo…yeah. This is a little awkward." Everyone agreed. So then he slapped Jaime across the face and ran into the wall. Kelley walked over to the unconscious random guy.

"Dude, there _is_ a door." The five housemates then carted Everyone off and threw him in the middle of their front lawn. They walked inside. Everyone got up and shook the dirt off him.

"HA!" he exclaimed as he pointed at the five housemates through the kitchen window. But just then another bus came speeding past and slammed right into Everyone. Kelley and Jaime ran out the front door and looked in horror at where Everyone had been standing just a little while ago.

"You killed Everyone!" Kelley yelled out after the bus that was now hightailing it down the street.

"You bastards!" called out Jaime as he shook his fist at the barely visible bus. Then Jaime and Kelley shrugged and walked inside. They had grown bored of this scene.

"You hungry?" Jaime asked Kelley.

"Yeah, let's go get some McDonald's or something."

And so they did; so they did…

The next few days, the city these five housemates were going to school at (El Towno) started to undergo some changes. Pat and Crispy noticed this as they were coming home from a trip to the grocery store: Wal-Mart. More and more people started acting funny. I mean everyone always had wands and cloaks and stuff, but now they were acting even stranger than that. They were scared, it seemed. They didn't talk friendly to anyone anymore. In fact, they stopped talking to strangers completely. Even the people working at stores and restaurants did not engage the customers in conversation. They just did their job without talking or making eye-contact. Pat thought this was strange because it happened just so all-of-the-sudden.

"She didn't even look at me," Pat complained to Crispy once they got in the car. "I mean she was pretty darn hot and I wanted to flirt with her because that's my thing, you know. But she wouldn't smile or even look at me! And I was bringing my A-game!!"

"Maybe your A-game is crap," suggested Crispy. Pat thought a moment on this, but insisted that his A-game was not crap.

"My A-game isn't crap," he told Crispy, confirming my previous sentence. "It just seems everyone is acting strange lately. It seems as though some evil dark lord has risen to power again and everyone is afraid of who to trust or something like that." Crispy eyed Pat suspiciously, but then turned on his car and they drove home.

Once they got home though, they found something even more peculiar: their neighbors were packing their cars as if they were going somewhere. Pat and Crispy got out of the car and watched their neighbors for a couple of seconds. But then Crispy had to know what was going on.

"Hey, Frank!" he called to their neighbor on their left. Frank was a big, burly man with long sideburns and a goatee. He bore a tattoo of a skull on his left arm and was wearing a tight muscle shirt revealing his, uh, muscles.

"Yeah?" he called back absent-mindedly.

"What you doin'?" Crispy asked him.

"Leavin, bro," Frank replied. "And I suggest you do the same." Crispy exchanged confused looks with Pat.

"Why should we leave?" he asked Frank. At this, Frank dropped the red couch cushions he was placing in his large, white Chevy truck and approached Pat and Crispy.

"Because Lord Voldemort has again risen to power, bro." he explained. "And we must leave before he kills us all." Frank took a moment here and looked at both Pat and Crispy in the eye. "You guys have been great neighbors. I suggest you leave, save your lives. Good luck to you all." Frank extended his right hand and left it in the air in front of Crispy's chest. Crispy grabbed the hand and gave it a squeeze. Pat did likewise, after Crispy had let go of it of course. Then Frank gave both of them one last look and smile and left them in order to keep packing up his truck. Crispy looked at Pat. Pat looked at Crispy. Bob came over and looked at Crispy. Pat looked at Bob. Crispy looked at Bob. Bob looked at Banana. Banana looked at Strawberry. Then Bob ate both Banana and Strawberry. Pat was hungry too, so he ate a rock he found on the ground. Crispy shook his head. Then a sniper sniped Bob, and so Bob was like dead and stuff. Crispy looked at the sniper and gave him a thumbs up. The sniper was happy. He had done good, he had done good. Pat and Crispy walked inside the house. They put their groceries away and then sat on the living room couch trying to think about what had just happened. They were happy Bob was dead. Bob was ugly. So his death was justified. But that was not the point. The point was that a dark lord had risen to power and no one was about to stand up to him.

"I will go pack my stuff," Pat finally said.

"Not yet you won't," Crispy replied. Stephanie, Jaime, and Kelley walked into the living at this point in time.

"We just heard," Stephanie announced to the room, because she liked talking to rooms, just as Hermione liked talking to walls. "Lord Voldemort has again risen to power." The five housemates were silent for a while.

"What do we do?" Jaime asked whilst stroking his amazing beard.

"We can't fight this man," Stephanie answered quickly. "He's got too many on his side. He would kill us all and pretty damn quickly and he would have an after-party! An after-party!!"

"Well, then I guess there's only one thing left to do," Crispy replied.

"What's that?" asked Kelley timidly. Crispy looked around the room at the four other people there. Then he looked at Kelley just as Kelley looked up at him.

"Win the whole fuckin' thing." The room went silent. Crispy again looked at each of the four other people. Then he smiled. Pat and Jaime returned that smile. They liked returning gifts. They were good at it.

"Yeah," Pat agreed as he stood up from the couch.

"Yesss!!" responded Kelley with a loud clap of his hands. Then everyone started shouting in agreement! They were going to fight.

They started getting ready for the war they would soon be getting involved in. They got several hundred supporters from El Towno who were willing to help them make this last stand. Everyone got swords with sheaths, sheaths for their wands as well, bows and arrows, daggers, armor, helmets, capes, and even horses. They were ready. After suiting up in their armor and weaponry and after packing all of the food and supplies they thought they would need on their journey, they all climbed on top of their horses and met in the middle of the city. The city was now empty, except for the almost nine hundred people now mounted on horseback gathered in the middle of El Towno. Crispy decided to speak to them all.

"My fellow Townoians!" he shouted out to the masses. "This is the day we make one last stand! This is the day we look evil in the eye but do not flee! Let us raise our swords now!" Each person in the crowd unsheathed his or her own sword and held it skyward. "For the good of mankind!!" Crispy shouted. All of the riders shouted 'for the good of mankind' and waved their swords. Then they resheathed them. Crispy looked at everyone and resheathed his sword as well. _Now we're ready_, he thought as he picked at his wedgie unsuccessfully since he was wearing armor. He led the Witzirrim (called this because they were witches and wizards on horseback and Rohirrim was already taken by the horsemen of Rohan) out of the city. They were riding to the aid of Harry Potter…


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9- Return of an Old Friend

As Harry Potter slept in one of the four beds now being squeezed into Ronald Weasley's room, he had a dream. His dream was of watching his former headmaster at Hogwarts being killed and was taking place inside of his head. He and Professor Albus Dumbledore were flying on brooms towards the Astronomy Tower, where the Dark Mark (the sign used by Lord Voldemort's supporters and which was a mark…that was…dark) had been erected in the sky. And no, Viagra was not used for this erection. Harry had his invisibility cloak on, so no one could like see him and stuff. Then Draco Malfoy came, and Dumbledore put a spell on Harry so he couldn't move or be heard. Plus, he was already invisible as well. Draco was supposed to kill Dumbledore but his wand had been set to stun and not kill. Draco was an idiot. His hair was blond. He didn't want to ask Dumbledore for help on his wand because he was supposed to kill Dumbledore. Anyway, Draco and Dumbledore talked. Blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda. Then Snape and the Death Eaters came, again blah blah blah. Snape then killed Dumbledore. Harry watched Dumbledore in horror as he flew into the air and fell off the Astronomy Tower. The spell on Harry was lifted and Harry chased after Snape and Malfoy, who had disappeared down the spiral staircase leading back into the castle. A fight ensued between people. Things happened. Snape turned out to be the Half-blood Prince. But then Snape got away. Anyway, the dream then turned to the funeral of Albus Dumbledore. Harry saw in astonishment as Dumbledore's body burst into flames and a shape he thought to be a phoenix flew out of the fire. However, as the shape disappeared, so did the fire and a tomb showed up on the table where Dumbledore's body had been. The dream then got weird because the tomb started opening up, and Dumbledore's burned body erected from the tomb. Harry was scared crap-less. He literally had no crap. Then Dumbledore opened his eyes and said, "Harry." Harry gave a double take. Certainly this couldn't be happening. He watched as Dumbledore again said, "Harry," but louder this time and he felt a searing pain across his face that had nothing to do with his scar. Again he heard "Harry" called out by Dumbledore. Then suddenly he woke up. Ron was punching him in the face and calling his name.

"Damn it, Harry!" bellowed Ron. "You looked like you were scared crap-less so I tried to wake you up. Have you been taking Fred and George's U-No-Poo again? 'Cuz that stuff really works, mate." Harry looked at Ron. His face was really hurting. Apparently Ron had a really good punch. Harry rubbed his cheek. Ron looked embarrassed.

"Sorry, mate. I didn't mean to hurt you. I just didn't want you to be scared into constipation. So why were you so scared then anyway?"

"N-nothing," Harry stammered. "Just a bad dream." Harry touched his scar with his finger. The pain was starting to lessen. Ron was confused now.

"Uh, Harry," he stuttered. "I didn't punch you in the forehead. I punched you on the side of the face." Harry looked up at Ron. Ron looked down at Harry. Harry didn't like being told what to do, so he punched Ron in the stomach. Ron fell over onto the ground. Crookshanks walked into the room and saw Ron lying on his stomach. So, he pulled up his back right leg and pee-ed on Ron. Harry laughed. Ron felt sick. Crookshanks was finished peeing now. He strolled out of the room. Harry pulled himself out of bed and helped Ron back to his feet.

"Blimey, Harry," Ron began. "He just pee-ed on me! Just like that."

"Yes," said Harry. "So it would seem. Maybe he wanted to mark you as his territory." Ron glanced at Harry. Harry glanced at his watch. His watch showed the time, but was it the right time? Dun…dun…dun…

"What time is it, Harry?" asked Ron.

"Well," Harry floggled. "According to my watch, it's Tuesday."

"Tuesday??!" Ron moaned with horror.

"Yes, Tuesday," repeated Harry. Ron was speechless. He didn't know what to do. How could this happen? How could it be Tuesday?

"What's wrong, Ron?" Harry asked bemusedly after seeing the stunned expression upon his best mate's face.

"What's wrong??!" Ron spat. "What's wrong??! Bloody hell, Harry, we've missed it!! That's what's wrong!"

"Wait, we've missed what?" Harry asked, panic starting to spread throughout his body.

"Monday, Harry!! We've missed Monday!! We slept through Monday!" Ron was livid. Harry scratched his head in confusement.

"But, Ron," he proclaimed. "We did stuff yesterday. Remember watching Monday Night Football? And all of those television shows that only show on Monday?" Ron thought for a moment. A light clicked on inside his head. He remembered! They did do stuff yesterday!

"Oh yeah," he said to Harry. "Now I remember. Well, now that we're up, let's go down to breakfast." Harry liked this idea. Thinking had made his stomach hungry. They both got dressed and tried not to wake Fred and George. Then they climbed down the stairs and walked into the kitchen for breakfast. Ginny and Hermione were already eating food that Mrs. Weasley had made for them to eat. They waved to Harry and Ron, who both nodded in replyment.

"Can I get you anything to eat, dears?" asked Mrs. Weasley in a friendly tone.

"Er, yes," answered Harry. Mrs. Weasley looked at him. Harry looked at Mrs. Weasley. Ron looked from his mother to Harry and then to the table. It was flat and you could put things on it. Mrs. Weasley raised her eyebrows. Harry raised his glasses off his nose. Ron raised his batting average by getting three hits out of four at-bats.

"Well?..." Mrs. Weasley demanded of the boys.

"Oh, right, umm, scrambloggled eggs and some fried bacon?"

"Sure thing, dears," replied Mrs. Weasley, and with a flick of her wand, two plates of scrambloggled eggs and fried bacon appeared out of nowhere and floated to the kitchen table where they promptly fell in front of two empty seats. Harry and Ron took their places at these two empty seats and started eating. They enjoyed the scrambloggled eggs, and the fried bacon. This breakfast was definitely better than yesterday's breakfast, which had consisted of dog food and a rubber boot.

Ginny stopped eating and looked over across the table at Harry. She liked him. However, Harry thought he was too good for her. She twinkled her eyes at him. Harry looked at Ginny and then he quickly looked away and vomited on the floor. Crookshanks came over and ate the vomit, which made Ron throw up. Hermione made like she was going to eat Ron's vomit until Ron looked at her and shook his head. Hermione felt embarrassed and busied herself with putting her clothes back on. Mrs. Weasley beamed at them all and came over and sat down.

"Are you all set to leave, dear?" she asked Harry happily. Harry choked on his fried bacon and somehow managed to swallow the piece he had in his mouth.

"Leave?" he asked her whilst coughing a little bit.

"Yes," she responded. "It seems you must be going soon to go and kill He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. Otherwise he will keep killing random extras and there will be no one left but us main characters." Harry finally realized the reality of the situation. It was true that he had to be the one to kill Lord Voldemort, but now it was finally dawning on him what this actually meant. It was no metaphor, it was fact.

"I, uh, yeah, I s'pose so," he said dejectedly.

"Good," beamed Mrs. Weasley. "It's about 'f'ing time! I'll go get your things." And with that she shot up to Ron's room to get Harry's things. Harry stopped eating and looked at Ron and Hermione. They looked at him. Then they all looked at Ginny. Ginny couldn't handle the pressure and so she fainted. Ron laughed. Hermione laughed. Harry shook his head.

"Looks like it be time to go," he said to his two best friends. They stopped laughing and their smiles faded.

"Yes," answered Hermione. "Time to leave it has become." She got up from the table and threw her dishes on the floor, where they smashed and shattered. Ron and Harry followed suit. Mrs. Weasley came back down with Harry's things. She gave Harry his broom, invisibility cloak, and Hedwig. Harry already had his wand. Hermione and Ron both recited _Accio_ and their stuff came to them as well. Hermione filled her backpack with food and supplies. Ron filled his backpack with water. Harry looked at him.

"Dude, just fill up water bottles. You don't need to fill your backpack with water."

"Right," muttered Ron. "My mistake." He emptied the water from his backpack on Hermione's head and then filled up a few water bottles, with water. He placed them in his backpack. Harry pulled his already-packed backpack over his shoulders. He shouldered his broom, and placed his invisibility cloak in his pocket. He let Hedwig out of her cage too.

"You're free," he said to her. He opened the door and let her fly away. He watched sadly as Hedwig flew into a tree trunk and fell on the ground. "She's on her own now," he said. Ron looked down at his owl: Pigwidgeon. He didn't want to let him go, but he had to.

"You're free too, Pig," he wailed. Pigwidgeon flew into the same tree trunk as Hedwig had and fell to the ground. Hermione kicked Crookshanks out the door.

"You're also free, Crookshanks," she said to her beloved orange tabby. Crookshanks massaged his rear, gave Hermione an angry look, and walked away. Ron and Hermione put their backpacks on too, and shouldered their brooms. They went and stood on either side of Harry. Harry turned and looked at Ron. "Let's go," he said. All three of them tried to go out the door but they couldn't since all three had tried to do it at the same time and they didn't fit. They did the same thing again and again got stuck in the doorway. They finally managed to fall out of the doorway into a heap outside the front door. They all got up and dusted themselves off. By this time, everyone had got up and had come to say good-bye. Lupin shook hands with Harry and told him good-luck. Tonks had said good-bye to Hermione and changed her appearance one last time for the three of them. They all laughed as Tonks transformed her face into that of a monkey. Then they bid all of the Weasley's and Fleur a-do and were off. They headed off into the forest behind the Burrow.

"Should we start flying yet?" Ron asked Harry.

"No, not yet," he replied, scanning the area for anyone suspicious looking. They kept walking into the forest. Suddenly, it sounded as if the trees were speaking to each other.

"The trees are speaking to each other," Hermione warned them. "This forest is old, and full of memory…and anger." The trees kept making weird sounds that sounded a little dangerous sounding.

"Ron," Harry spoke. "Lower your axe."

"Oh, right, okay," Ron responded. "Hey wait a tick, I don't have an axe!" Harry and Hermione laughed, and so did the trees. Ron just smiled and shook his head. Then Hermione stood real still and her eyes bulged.

"Harry, someone's out there," she cautioned.

"Who is it?" Harry asked her in a whisper.

"The white wizard approaches," she told him and she motioned to the right of Harry with her head. Harry looked down and felt in his pocket for his wand.

"Don't let him speak," he said. "He will put a spell on us. We must be quick." Ron and Hermione felt in their pockets for their wands as well. The three of them stood there for a brief moment, waiting. Then they sprung. They turned around quickly with their wands drawn. They shouted jinxes, but this white wizard just used his staff to block the spells and make the three teenagers' wands too hot to hold onto. The three wands fell to the ground and they looked up at the white wizard. There was a bright light around him and they couldn't see his face because of the light.

"You are tracking the paths of Lord Voldemort and his horcruxes," he said in a low but booming voice.

"Where are they? Where is Voldemort?" Harry demanded.

"They passed this way, the day before yesterday. They met someone they did not expect. Does that comfort you?"

"No, not really," replied Harry. "Who are you?? Show yourself!"

The white wizard rolled down his pants to cover his bright, bare legs. The bright light faded and his face was revealed…

Hermione's eyes widened after she read his name tag. She fell to her knees. "I'm sorry," she apologized. "Forgive me." Ron too fell to his knees in acknowledgement of this wizard. Harry just stood there frozen.

"It cannot be," he said trying to grasp what was happening here.

"You're…you're black!"

"Damn straight, honkey," the wizard replied. "I holla'!"

"But…but you fell…off the astronomy tower. Not to mention you got death-cursed."

"No I didn't," replied the wizard.

"Yes, you did!" Harry said, his voice rising a little. "I saw it!!"

"No you didn't," replied the wizard.

"Yes, I did!!" retorted Harry angrily. "You died!"

"You died," replied the wizard.

"No, you did," Harry shot back.

"No I didn't," the wizard said coolly.

"YES, YOU DID!!" shouted Harry. He was trembling with anger now. He had the tremblies. How could this wizard deny what had happened to him? The wizard thought for a moment. Then it finally dawned on him. Harry had been right all along.

"Oh yeeeah!!" the wizard replied, finally remembering what had happened. "Fo' shizzal. I fell, through fire and water."

"Actually, it was just through air because you fell off the Astronomy Tower," Harry corrected.

"Right, well fire, air, it's all the same. Nevertheless, I have been sent back down to you, until my task is complete."

"Professor Dumbledore!" Hermione cried in joy.

"Professor Dumbledore?" asked the wizard. "Damn. Professor Dumbledore. That was my name. Shit." He smiled at the three of them. They all smiled back, even angry Harry, who wasn't actually angry anymore.

"Dumbledore!" Ron said happily.

"That's what they used to call me: Dumbledore the Grey. _I_ am Dumbledore the White. And I come back to you now at the turn of the tides…"

Dumbledore led them out of the forest and into a clearing. Then he called his white horse, named Whitey, lord of all horses.

"Why don't we just use broomsticks?" Harry asked.

"Don't be a deuschebag," Dumbledore snapped. "Horses are coola'." He called three more horses for the other three main characters: a black one named Blacky for Ron, a brown one named Brownie for Harry, and a spotted one named Spotty for Hermione. All four of them mounted their horses.

"So, Harry," Dumbledore said quietly. "You figure out the whereabouts of any of the other horcruxes yet?? D'you know where we should start searchin'??" Harry looked nervously at his feet. He actually hadn't done any real work on the horcruxes since he went with Dumbledore to get that one horcrux that hadn't even been a real one.

"Ummm," he stammered as his fist clenched around the fake horcrux in his hand. "No, not really. But I thought we should start at Godric's Hollow." Dumbledore looked at him.

"Why there, Harry?"

"Because my parents lived there."

"Aaaand…?"

"Well, I thought it would be good to see their house once before I started off on my journey." Dumbledore looked at him with pity in his pity-containing organ.

"But they're dead," he told Harry. "Why d'you want ta look at the house owned by dead people?"

"It might give me extra strength to fight off Voldemort if I see the place where my parents were killed," Harry said embarrassedly. "Maybe there are some clues there as to how I might go about killing him." He looked down at his feet. Dumbledore looked at Harry's feet as well.

"That is whack. You're one crazy kid, Harry. But aight, we'll go ta Godric's Hollow."

Dumbledore grabbed hold of the reins of his horse and they started riding towards Godric's Hollow.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10: Ride of the Death Eaters

The Death Eaters rode quickly, with a solid 20 giants keeping up the pace with them quite easily. They rode for two days and two nights, only stopping to make pit-stops and also to go to the bathroom. The scenery on their journey was green and scenery-like. It looked definitely like scenery you would see when you were looking at scenery: there were like trees, and grass, and mountains, and old ladies, and…wait a tick, did I just say old ladies?? Huh, interesting scenery. Anyway, they did a lot of riding. And the giants did a lot of running. Finally, after five days and nights of riding (and running), the school of Hogwarts became visible on the horizon.

"We will make camp here, and ride to Hogwarts in the morning," Lucius Malfoy reported to the army of Death Eaters and giants. He turned to Severus. "Tomorrow will be your grand return to Hogwarts, my friend!! How do you feel about that?"

"I am the bat," replied Severus in a determined sort of tone.

Lucius looked at him and raised an eyebrow. Then he shrugged and slapped Severus across the face. "Well best rest up tonight and be ready to fight tomorrow."

"The night is mine," uttered Severus Snape under his breath. He looked up at the castle. Tomorrow he would have to kill those teachers and caretakers who had been sort of like friends to him over his tenure at the school. He laid his head down and closed his eyes. Tomorrow would come soon enough, but for now he would sleep and try not to think about what he had to do.

Golgomath laid down next to his giants. He looked at them. They were giants, and not hobbits. Or were they? Dun…dun…dun… He went to bed smiling. Tomorrow he would be able to finally kill Hagrid and anyone else opposed to the Dark Lord.

The rest of the giants and Death Eaters also went to bed. The next morning would be an important one because it followed the night.

Once morning finally came, one thousand Death Eaters and 20 giants started making their way to Hogwarts. There they would kill the half-giant Hagrid, and as many of the teachers that still sided with Dumbledore and not the Dark Lord as they could. They rode on into the Dark Forest. There dwelled many dark creatures. Some of them opposed the Dark Lord, some of them favored the Dark Lord, and some of them were neutral and did not care either way. Snape stopped his horse and got off it.

"We should hide the horses and continue on foot," he said aloud. There was a murmur of consent and the rest of the Death Eaters dismounted from their horses. Once they were all off the horses, they tied them to trees, put a couple of small leaves on the horses' heads to hide them, and continued to move through the forest on foot. There was a sound in the distance that startled them. They heard it again and a blast-ended skrewt appeared behind a tree. Macnair took out an arrow and strung up his bow. However, Bellatrix grabbed his arm and punched his rib cage.

"Don't be stupid," she reprimanded. "We need to get as many creatures on the Dark Lord's side as possible, remember?" Macnair grimaced but nodded his head nonetheless and put his arrow back in his quiver of arrows. Then he hit Bellatrix over her head with a hammer. Bellatrix wiped the tears out of her eyes with her armor and she, Lucius, and Severus each pulled out their swonds and started moving towards the skrewt. Lucius somehow knew skrewt language and started talking to it. The skrewt did a cartwheel and ran away. Bellatrix stopped and looked quickly at Lucius and slapped him, as if asking him what he said to this ugly creature that made it run away.

"Bellatrix," he said to her. "You're a freak. However that is neither here nor there. I told the skrewt to join the Dark Lord, and the skrewt obliged and ran to get his companions. They will join us shortly. In the meantime, we should keep walking." Everyone started walking again. Lucius, Bellatrix, and Severus still kept their swonds out just in case they needed them. Just then a unicorn jumped out in front of them from the bushes. It looked at them. They stopped walking and looked at the unicorn. The unicorn looked at them and perked its ears up. The Death Eaters could not perk their ears up, so they hung their heads in shame. The unicorn danced around in triumph and then crapped on the ground. It stopped dancing and looked at them. They looked at it. It walked away back into the bushes.

"Well that's just great," moaned Death Eater Extra.

"What is it now, DEE?" McNair asked lazily.

"That's it then," replied Death Eater Extra, a.k.a. Dee. "There's no getting past that pile of crap. I mean it's getting larger!" And indeed, the unicorn's pile of crap was actually increasing in size. All the Death Eaters looked on in awe at the ever-growing pile of unicorn crap. They did not know what to do. Just then, Severus had an idea. He walked up to the pile of crap and pointed his swond at it.

"_Obliviate_!" he yelled at the pile of crap. A light flew off his swond and struck the pile of unicorn crap. All of a sudden, it lost all its memory and could not remember that it was a pile of crap. It got up and walked away into the bushes where the unicorn had disappeared to.

"Well alright then," replied Death Eater Extra. He was satisfied. The others also decided they were satisfied and started walking again. As they got deeper and deeper into the forest, the tightness of the trees muffled most sounds. It became extremely, and eerily, quiet. They wondered where the skrewts were and why it was taking them so long to get there. They also wondered what else lurked in this forest.

All of a sudden, a scuffling was heard in the trees off in the distance. There were more scuffling sounds, and more. The sounds were coming all around them. Lucius and Bellatrix looked from tree to tree in panic, wondering what was happening. Severus was alarmed, but kept his feeling of alarm to himself because he did not want the others to know that he was a wussy. Wormtail looked to his right and saw a hairy leg dash behind a large conifer tree. He became quite afraid and unsheathed his swond with a trembling right hand. The other Death Eaters unsheathed their swonds as well. The giants made grunting sounds because that was the extent of their vocabulary. Impressive, huh? A war cry was heard in the trees ahead of them and an army of large, hairy spiders emerged from the trees. They surrounded the Death Eaters and giants. Golgomath bared his teeth menacingly at the large spiders and flexed his butt muscles. Then the spiders started to tap dance. They were pretty damn good too! They tapped for a good five minutes. When they were finished, the Death Eaters and giants all clapped, hooted, and hollered. They were quite impressed by the tap-dancing spiders. The leader of the spiders, named Jerry the Nine-legged Wonder, told Lucius, Severus, and Golgomath that the spiders would fight for Lord Voldemort. Everyone cheered and celebrated with champagne. They were given victory hats and shirts and a large trophy. Lucius was voted the MVBG, Most Valuable Bad Guy. He was quite thrilled because this was his first ever MVBG award. Once the celebration was over, the Death Eaters, giants, and spiders made their way back towards Hagrid's hut along the edge of the Dark Forest. The blast-ended skrewts joined them along the way, and they all walked unimpeded to Hagrid's hut. They made it to Hagrid's hut and Lucius and Macnair walked up to Hagrid's front door. Lucius banged on the door. A loud, booming barking could be heard from Fang inside the hut, and the clanging of pans on the floor. Hagrid yelled to them, "Jus' a mo'." A few minutes later, the front door opened up and the large outline of Hagrid became visible. Macnair looked at him and smiled deviously.

"Morning, Hagrid."

Draco Malfoy was a tall boy of 16 years. He had blond hair, two eyes, and even a nose. He had been in Slytherin house when he had been at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, in the same year as our three heroes (Harry, Ron, and Hermione) and a year ahead of our extra (Ginny Weasley). Draco and Harry (Potter, in case you didn't know which Harry I was speaking of) had been enemies ever since their first day at Hogwarts. There are speculations as to why this was the case, but as for me I think that Draco was just jealous of Harry's glasses and not-butt-ugly face. You could argue with me but it won't do you any good because I know I am right. It's science. Anyway, to fill you in: Draco fled with Severus Snape and a few Death Eaters after Snape had just killed Albus Dumbledore (the Grey) at the end of the last school term. Draco hadn't been able to kill Dumbledore because his wand had been set to stun, not kill. Realizing this and not wanting to ask how to set his wand to kill mode, Draco instead chose to stand there like a wussy idiot and talk to Dumbledore. After the killing, Draco, Snape, and the Death Eaters fled, aparated to the wrong place, recruited more bad guys for Lord Voldemort and returned to their Dark Lord.

Lord Voldemort had a chat with Draco in which Draco pee-ed all over himself. Lord Voldemort was disgusted and sent Draco home. So now we catch up on the tall, evil?, ugly, blond Slytherin dude…

"D-r-a-c-o," Malfoy repeated to his pet bird.

"Fucktard," replied the bird, a beautiful yellow-naped amazon parrot.

"No, damnit!" roared Draco roarously. "I am Draco!" Draco angrily grabbed the bird and threw it out the window. The parrot shot through the air and hit an old man in the head knocking the robot bird's batteries out.

"MOM!" Draco bellowed from his room.

"What is it, Pumkin?" came the sweet voice of his mother, Narcissa.

"We need a new pet robot parrot! This one broke!" His mother entered the room. She bent down to his face and smiled.

"Did my little sweetie throw Robotobirdo XVI out the window?" she asked in a motherly and sweetly voice. Draco looked down at his feet.

"It's possible," he mumbled. Narcissa smiled at her son and messed up his hair.

"Well here's some money so you can go and buy a new robot bird." She handed him two American twenty-dollar bills. Draco took the money and eyed it suspiciously.

"What is this?" he asked her in an ungrateful tone.

"It's money, Pumkin," she replied. "You buy things with it."

"It's American!" Draco spat angrily. "I'm Brittish! I can't count in American! What am I supposed to do with this, wipe my ass with it??"

"No, no, son. You wipe your ass with Mexican money." Narcissa handed him some Mexican bills.

"Oh yeah," replied Draco. "Then do I blow my nose with this American money?"

"No, that's Canadian money." Narcissa handed him some Canadian bills to blow his nose with.

"Then what do I do with this?" Draco questioned her again. "Wipe my mouth…"

"Damn it, Draco!" interrupted Narcissa. "Just take the money and buy the fuckin' bird!" Draco stopped cold. His mother had just told him off. _Him_! A pure blood son with blond hair!

"Mother?" he gasped. "You dare speak that way to your pure-blood blond-haired only-son??" He eyed her imploringly, looking for an answer. Narcissa waivered a little but then regained her composure.

"And what if you weren't a pure-blood?" she asked him.

"What??!" Draco reprimanded. "What do you mean by this, woman??!" Draco was livid. He was not happy with this question because it like questioned things and stuff. His mother looked at her feet and tried to think of her next words carefully.

"Draco," she began quietly. "I think you should have a seat. You are not going to like what I have to tell you." She looked at him. Draco looked at the chair she had pulled out for him to sit in. He looked back up into her eyes.

"I think I'll stand!" he argued. Narcissa did not argue back.

"Very well," she very-welled. "Draco, before I had you your father was a Death Eater. He did not eat death, but he did eat potatoes, which are just as bad. Anyways, he was always off fighting some 'good guys' and I was left at home. I was lonely, and it just so happened that Hermione's father, Hermes, was our next door neighbor. He was not magical, but he did understand things. He was there for me when no one else was. Well, we became really good friends and one thing led to another. And, well, it turns out that Lucius isn't your father…Hermes is." She paused and waited to see what Draco's reaction would be. Draco's eyes widened. Tears started gathering at the corners…of his eyes.

"Dad isn't my…isn't my father??" he implored. Narcissa shook her head. Draco looked at his feet. Those weren't the feet given to him by Lucius Malfoy afterall, but by a muggle: Hermes Granger. He wasn't even a pure-blood; he was a half-blood, I think. And Hermione, that filthy mudblood, was in fact his half-sister. Draco felt a little nauseous. He had to grab the chair for support from falling. He could not believe this! He was related to Hermione! After all of the bad-mouthing he had done to her, she was actually his half-sister. Draco took a seat in the chair he was leaning on for support.

"I cannot believe this," he sighed wearily. "I am a…_half_-blood." Narcissa grabbed another one of Draco's chairs and took a seat next to her son. She patted him on his back.

"Well, Draco, it is not too late to make amends," she told him. "The wrongs you have done, the hurts you have made, the enemies you have, now is the time to change all of that. You can make a new name for yourself, a better one, one worthy of your father: Hermes.

"My father?" Draco asked. "I have no _father_. My dad turns out not to be even related to me, and my biological father is a…is a muggle for crying out loud! He can't do magic! And anyway, where has he been my whole life??! If he was truly my father, then he wouldn't have left us; he wouldn't have left me!" Draco stood up suddenly from his chair and left his room. He could not stand the sight of his mother. He had to get some fresh air, from the laundry room. He sat on the dryer and bounced a rubber ball on the ground. "Damn," he said quietly. "All of this time I thought I was special. I thought I was a pure-blood! And as it turns out, that mudblood Granger is my half-sister! And now Ron is better than me because _is_ a pure-blood! And now I am just as bad as Potter and his half-bloodedness! How could this have happened to such a great looking, blond-haired, pure-blooded only-son?? How??" He was asking the cat. The cat shrugged.

"Don't ask me," it said. "I'm just the janitor." Then it started mopping the ground. Draco looked away from the cat janitor. He jumped off the dryer and walked out of the laundry room. Now he needed some _real_ fresh air. He walked to the Fresh-Air Mart and bought some fresh air. He took the air back to his house and smoked it in his backyard. It was some really good fresh air! He sat around smoking his fresh air for two days. On the third, he decided on something: he would make amends! He had thought long and hard, and not being able to kill Dumbledore (even if it was just because of a small wand technicality) meant that he did not have evil inside him. He had good inside him. And now he was ready to use it. He walked back into his room. His mother was still there. Her eyes were red and damp from crying. Her mascara had run down her cheeks.

"Oh my God!" Draco screamed when he saw her. "It's hideous!...Oh, it's just you, mother. Damn, I thought it was Oprah Winfrey. You looked that horrible." His mother laughed and with one wipe of her face with her sleeve, she had returned to her normal good-ish looks. Draco hugged his mother. He had finally seen the light, and so he turned it off because it was bright in his room. "Mother," he started singing. Yes, singing. His mother cringed at his out-of-tune-ness. But he kept on singing. "It is time to make anew! It is time to set things right! Aquarius! Aquari-us! I will help Potter in his quest and stuff! I will help him to stop Lord V. I see the light now! Aquarius! Aquari-us!" Draco and his mother kept singing for the remainder of this scene. Then Draco grabbed his things and put them in his backpack. His mother grabbed his arm.

"Draco," she moaned. "That television set won't fit into your backpack." Draco looked down at the TV and realized she was right.

"Damn," he said. "Gravity, you have won again!!" he claimed as he shook his fist at the ceiling. His mother looked at his ceiling and then looked back at Draco. She laughed. Draco was an idiot! Haha, good times. Anyway, Draco grabbed his belongings, filled his backpack with normal stuff, like the dishwasher, and headed for the door. "I will miss you, mother," he told his mother. She smiled and nodded.

"And I will miss you, son!" she agreed. "And remember, Draco: come back with your shield,…or upon it." Draco looked down at his shield. It was heavy and shieldy.

"Yes, mother," he barked. "I will ride my shield home if you ask it of me." Narcissa just smiled and shook her head. Draco had no fucking clue as to what she had meant! What an idiot that Draco was! With that, Draco whistled and his horse named Glorietta came running out of the shed. She was a beautiful brown color. Draco threw his backpack onto her and jumped into the saddle. He took one last look at his mother, grabbed the reins, and shot off towards his new destination: El Village-o where he had heard that Crispy and his riders of the Witzirrhim had been rumored to be riding to to gain some new recruits for their reinforcement squad. Draco stopped first at his two friends' houses: Vincent Crabbe and Gregory Goyle. He wanted them and any other Slytherin to join him.

"We're gonna help the good guys win this fight!" he explained jovially to his two friends. They had both been at Crabbe's house playing solitaire on the computer. They squinted their eyes and tightened their lips.

"After all we've done at Hogwarts, you want us to join ranks with Harry Potter??" Goyle asked reluctantly. Draco narrowed his eyes and raised his left eyebrow.

"Are you questioning me, Goyle?" he asked him. Goyle's eyes widened with fear. He shook his head quickly.

"No, Draco," he confessed. "No, not at all. I was just making sure I understood that we are going against our fathers. I didn't want to do the wrong thing and do what we were not supposed to do. That's all…I have a cat. It's orange. It meows and meows until you feed it and then it eats."

"My dad is not my father," Draco confessed to them.

"What?" Crabbe and Goyle asked together confusedly. Draco looked from one to the other and then he explained the story.

"You see, my dad, the one who raised me, is not my biological father: Hermione's father is." He looked at them to see their reactions. Crabbe and Goyle had to try hard to think. They did not know how. They had never been good at it. Finally, they gave up.

"So you want us to attack our dads, then?" Crabbe asked tentatively. Draco smiled. His friends would help him!

"I do," he admitted. "I do indeed." Goyle turned to Crabbe and smiled. Crabbe smiled likewise.

"Great!" cheered Goyle. "My dad didn't let me eat those two bags of cookies last night! He stopped me after one bag! After _just_ one bag!" Crabbe opened his mouth in astonishment.

"What?!?!" he protested. "He only let you eat _one_ bag of cookies??!" Goyle nodded. "Woah," flubulated Crabbe. "That sort of behavior has to stop! My dad only let me watch eight of my shows three nights ago! Only eight of my twenty!" Goyle shook his head in disgust.

"We're in, Draco," he declared. Draco smiled.

"Great! Let's go get the others."

They journeyed around and rallied Pansy Parkinson, Montague, Marcus Flint, Miles Bletchley, Terence Higgs, Vaisey, Urquhart, Bole, Derrick, Adrian Pucey, Warrington, Millicent Bulstrode, Tracey Davis, Daphne Greengrass, Theodore Nott, Blaise Zabini, Harper, Malcolm Baddock, and Graham Pritchard to their cause. Then two days gallop on horseback landed Draco and 21 other slytherins at El Village-o. Draco met up with Crispy and told him that they would like to join. Crispy met him with open arms and a broad grin. He knew who Draco was and he was glad that Draco had decided on the good-guy side.

"Welcome to the Witzirrhim!" beamed Crispy. Then all of the other riders of the Witzirrhim put up their glasses of root-ale.

"Hale, Draco and the slytherins!" they cheered. "Hale!"


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11- Godric's Hollow

The three wizards and one witch all rode on towards Godric's Hollow. Dumbledore rode upon Whitey, Harry on Brownie, Ron on Blacky, and Hermione on Spotty. They rode through green pastures and through wild flowers and through oceans…well not really. Anyway, they rode for a good solid five minutes before the horses became tired and needed a rest.

"Well," said Harry. "We've made it to the place that was five minutes away from where we started." Dumbledore eyed him suspiciously. Harry fidgeted uncomfortably on his horse. He felt weird being stared at by this new Black Dumbledore. It was that same penetrating gaze that Dumbledore always seemed to use on Harry, as if he was trying to see into Harry's mind. Harry tried to clear his mind, but he had never been any good at it. The picture of Hermione in a red man thong kept creeping into his head. Dumbledore smiled at Harry. Harry smiled slightly towards Dumbledore and then looked at his feet.

"Well, I think the break tis over, foo's," called Dumbledore to all of them. They all grabbed the reins of their horses and followed Dumbledore off towards a new five-minute destination. This time, though, they rode on for a good several hours. It started to get dark, and the moon crept higher into the sky. Stars started emerging in the twilight.

"We best make camp, then," sounded Dumbledore. The three adolescents dismounted from their horses. Ron's legs hurt. Hermione also had legs. And Harry was a teenager. Dumbledore dismounted from his steed, took the saddle off his white horse, and tied the horse to a nearby tree. He walked over to the three adolescents. Pulling out his wand, he conjured up a campfire and three tents; one for Hermione, one for both Ron and Harry, and the third for Dumbledore. Ron chose the pink one for him and Harry. Harry looked at him in disgust.

"Pink??!" he questioned Ron irritably.

"What?" argued Ron. "Pink matches my eyes."

"Your eyes aren't pink!" spat Harry.

"And your eyes aren't blueberries!" bellowed Ron. Harry opened his mouth to say something but shut it immediately. He was stunned. This was a true fact: his eyes _weren't_ blueberries! He thought for a moment and then sat down on a log near the campfire. Harry rested his head in his hands and started crying loudly and flailing his arms. Ron sat down next to Harry and started massaging his own agonizing legs. Hermione heated up a bean burrito in the microwave. And Dumbledore was still black. Finally, after several minutes of crying like a wimp, Harry stopped. Hermione was already finished with her burrito and was now making herself a pizza in the oven. Ron was playing video games on a tree, and Dumbledore was watching television. Harry looked around and was quite impressed with how there were so many electronic devices in the woods with them now. It was amazing!

"I love magic!" Harry declared. Dumbledore looked at him and then looked around at all the devices.

"This ain't magic, Harry," he told Harry.

"It's not?" Harry asked bewilderedly.

"No," replied Dumbledore. "We at a Holiday Inn Express. We gonna spend the night in the hotel."

"But what about the tents?" Harry asked, still confused.

"Tha ain't no tents, 'H'-to the hizzal, 'arry'-to the shizzal," Dumbledore told him. "Tha never were." Harry looked around at all of them. They all looked at him. He looked at them. They looked at him. Then Dumbledore started laughing.

"I jus' playin', foo!" he laughed. "This all shit _is_ magic!" Harry looked relieved. He was glad to know he had not hallucinated the tents. Crawling into the pink tent, Harry undressed and got into his night gown. It was also pink, with frilly laces. He liked his pink night gown. Probably a little too much, as a matter of fact. Ron soon joined him.

"That new Dumbledore is black, Harry," he told him. Harry thought a moment. This was true: Dumbledore _was_ black! It all made sense now! The light bulb clicked inside Harry's head! He hugged Ron and went to bed in the cardboard box that had been labeled, "Harry." Ron too changed into his night gown, a green one with no lace, and got into bed, a real bed. Soon, Ron's echoing snores sounded off the fabric of the tent walls. However, Harry was too asleep to hear the snores.

Morning came after the night was over, and Dumbledore, Harry, Ron, and Hermione all awoke to the morningness. It felt different from the night: for one thing, there was light outside. Dumbledore made them breakfast, consisting of Harry's cardboard box and some pretzels. It was tasty! After breakfast, they saddled up the horses and began riding again towards Godric's Hollow; the house where Harry's parents, Lily and James Potter, had lived and been murdered at. The morning air whipped past their faces as they rode through the countryside. Birds sang in trees, and on rocks. Some birds even sang in trees! Once mid-day started approaching, Dumbledore stopped them for some lunch.

"We don't want to waste away on this trip," Dumbledore reiterated for the fifth time to them as they ate their lunch (rocks and dirt). "And anyway, as I may recall, you boys need ta finish ya aparatin' tests to be able to aparate legally. Am I correct?" Ron and Harry both nodded. Hermione looked at both of them and kept sucking on her rock. She had already passed her examination during the school year that had just past, their sixth one. She was really smart, and had brown puffy hair. Dumbledore got up and strode over to Harry and Ron. "Up ya get," he told them. "Aparate for me and I will act as the witness." Ron and Harry gave sideways glances to each other. They had forgotten all about the apparition examinations that they were supposed to be taking during the summer. Then Harry remembered that he wasn't yet 17 years old.

"But, sir," he protested. "I'm not 17 yet!" Dumbledore eyed him wearily.

"Harry," he began in a whisper. "You are the Chosen One, and when I say…" but all of a sudden Dumbledore was interrupted by someone.

"No he isn't!" called the newcomer. "_I_ am The Chosen One!" A strong man with black hair strolled towards them. "Master Pain, er…Betty, killed my parents because I have the extreme gift: Tongue-y." Dumbledore, Harry, Ron, and Hermione (who was still licking her rock) all looked at this new character with mild interest. They had no idea who he was and yet he claimed to be 'The Chosen One' when it was so clear that Harry was.

"Who, or what, is this Tongue-y you speak of?" Ron asked. The Chosen One looked at him, and then he stuck out his tongue. All four characters (Dumbledore, Harry, Ron, and Hermione) leapt back in astonishment once they had seen the true nature of this man's tongue. It had a face on it! His tongue had two eyes, a nose, a mouth, and a…tongue?!

The tongue opened its mouth to speak. "Yai yai!" it called out jovially to them. Then it clicked its tongue and winked at them.

"What in God's name is that thing?!" Everyone turned around and saw yet another new character. This character was old and had a weird hat on. He had a graying mustache, and crazy elf shoes.

"Master Teng!" called out The Chosen One in eagerness. "It's my tongue, you remember? The one that can talk and crap?" He looked at Master Teng eagerly. Then a light clicked on in Master Teng's brain.

"Ahhh, yes," he said. "Now I remember." Then he walked away. Harry looked at Hermione. Hermione looked back at Harry. The Chosen One saw these glances.

"Hey, now!" he said to them in protest. "Don't you start looking at each other! There will be none of that! So stop it and things." Harry was confused. What on Earth was The Chosen One talking about?? Dumbledore decided to act now. He walked over to The Chosen One and hit him over the head with a frying pan. Then he turned towards Harry, Ron, and Hermione.

"Now aparate fo' me, foo's," he demanded of them. Harry looked over at Ron. Ron gave a gulp and looked back at Harry.

"Well, alright," Harry uttered quietly. He looked at Ron and gave a slight smirk. Ron returned that smirk at Wal-Mart for some video games.

Harry tried to concentrate. He had to try to remember the three D's: _Deciduous, Dick Tracy, _and _Deleterious_? No, that wasn't it. Ron, however, had remembered the three D's almost perfectly. He concentrated, spun in a circle and disapparated. He reappeared behind Dumbledore. He tapped Dumbledore on the shoulder. Dumbledore freaked out. He did not like people sneaking up on him! He grabbed Ron's arm and threw him to the ground.

"OUCH!" shouted Ron. "What did you do that for?!?!" Dumbledore gave an embarrassed smile. He helped Ron up.

"You's never sneak up on a wizard like that, dude. Never," Dumbledore said to Ron.

"Thanks," replied Ron. "I'll remember that the next time I aparate behind you." He massaged his right hip. Ron and Dumbledore turned to Harry. Harry looked at them horrorstruck. It was his turn to aparate. He thought hard about the three D's; he concentrated, spun around in a circle, and…and…and…

"Where'd he go?" asked a puzzled Ron. He and Dumbledore looked around and around and couldn't find any trace of Harry. Where had he aparated to?? They turned to Hermione. She shrugged.

"He's probably in the girl's locker room just behind those trees over there," she pointed in the direction of the girl's locker room.

"Touché," replied Dumbledore. "Well played, foo'." The three characters walked over to the girl's locker room. They walked through the large, oak double doors.

"Sweeet!" sounded Ron excitedly.

"I know!!" agreed Hermione…wait…really? Ok, interesting. Ron looked over at Hermione. Then he looked at Dumbledore. They both exchanged confused looks and shrugged. All three of them walked into the locker room. They saw a lot of really hot, naked girls. It seemed like no one was wearing a single bit of clothing. Finally, they found Harry in the corner. He was talking with Sandy, Beth, and Looloo.

"Crikey," wagered Harry. "They found me. Sorry, ladies. But I must be goin' now."

"AWWWWWW!" whined the girls. They liked him. And he liked them. Oh well. Dumbledore, Ron, and Hermione walked over to Harry.

"Congrats', foo's," Dumbledore said to Ron and Harry. "You's both pass the aparatin' exam!" And with that, he slapped them both hard across the face. "And that's so you's remember it!" Ron and Harry both massaged their faces. The four of them bade farewell to the naked girls and left the girl's locker room. They walked on towards the campsite. They put away the tents and retrieved their horses. The Chosen One walked towards them.

"May I be of assistance to you?" he asked pleadingly. Harry and Ron both doubletaked. But Dumbledore shrugged.

"Sho, foo', if you's got a horse." The Chosen One made a neighing sound and two horses came out of the woods. There were two because Master Teng was coming as well. He also came out of the woods when The Chosen One blew on his foghorn. All six characters got onto their horses. "Aight, foo's," ordered Dumbledore. "Roll out!" And so they did…ride that is. They rode. They rode on through the afternoon and did not stop until the sun was setting. Then they made camp again.

"How much longer until we get there??" complained Ron. "My feet hurt from all of the walking that I am NOT doing!"

"Damn it, Ron!" bellowed Harry. "Stop being so annoying!"

"Don't talk to my boyfriend like that!" shouted Hermione.

"Stop bein' teenagers!" roared Dumbledore. All three teens looked at Dumbledore.

"But, sir," argued Harry. "We _is_ teenagers."

"Is you, Harry?" asked Dumbledore. "Is you?" Harry thought a moment. He was not sure if they were in fact teenagers because they were British and British people are craaazy.

"I have hair!" beamed Hermione. Everyone turned and looked at her. "And it's like long and brown and stuff," she continued. "It's coo." Harry and Ron eyed her suspiciously and raised their eyebrows. Dumbledore slapped Hermione across the face.

"Ouch!" wailed Hermione. "Sir, that hurt!" Dumbledore nodded and gave her a thumbs up.

"Yea' yea'," he claimed. "I holla." Ron looked at Harry. Harry looked at Ron. Ron still looked at Harry. Harry still looked at Ron.

"Riiiiight," said The Chosen One. "I'm gonna go to bed on this goat." Dumbledore looked at The Chosen One. Then he looked at the goat. Then he looked at The Chosen One.

"Ahhh, yes," Dumbledore finally said. "That goat is Goato. He is comfortable to sleep on. We's should all gets some sleep, yo's." Everyone nodded and got into their tents that Dumbledore the Black had conjured, except for The Chosen One who indeed did sleep on Goato…the goat.

Once morning came, everyone ate breakfast (dirt and roast monkey) and then they got ready for their day of riding.

"We's should reach Godric's Hollow tonight," proclaimed Dumbledore. After all of the tents were put up, everyone got atop their horses. Dumbledore pulled his horse towards Harry's. "We's reach your parents' house tonight and then we's like sleep in there and stuff. Then tomorrow, you can find whatever you's wanted to find in that house, yo."

"Yes, sir," agreed Harry. "That plan sounds solid."

"Solid?" asked Dumbledore.

"Yes, solid," responded Harry. "It's like hard and stuff."

"I'll give you something hard!" bellowed Dumbledore. Harry shook his head and put his right hand to his forehead.

"Dude, don't be gay," he told Dumbledore. Dumbledore thought a moment and then realized what Harry was saying.

"Touché, Harry, touché," he said. He moved his horse away from Harry but made sure to slap Harry before he moved too far away. "We's ride now!" Dumbledore called out to the others. All six characters and their horses rode out. They rode on through the day. As the sun was setting, they came upon what appeared to be a house. Harry pushed his horse up to Dumbledore's side. They both looked at the house on their left. It was two stories high. There were three windows that could be seen on the top floor. The bottom floor also had three windows and a door. The door was between the middle window and the window to the farthest right. The door knob was on the left side of the door. In front of the house, there was a grassy wall with a wooden, swing gate. Dumbledore and Harry both reached the gate and got off of their horses.

"_OPEN THE GATE-EEEO_!" called out Harry as he pointed his wand at the gate, but nothing happened. "_OPEN THE GATE-EEEO_!" Harry repeated with more zealor but to no avail. He shook his wand and repeated the spell yet a third time. Still nothing happened. "What's going on??" Harry asked Dumbledore perplexedly. Dumbledore motioned for Harry to give him the wand. Harry did so. Dumbledore looked at the wand.

"Your safety's on," he told Harry and handed him back the wand. Harry took it and looked at the safety.

"Ahhh," he replied. "Right." He turned the safety off. However, Dumbledore walked up to the gate and just pushed it open without the use of a wand. "Touché," rippled Harry. Dumbledore and Harry walked through the gate and into the front yard of Godric's Hollow. They knew it to be Godric's Hollow because there was a sign in the lawn that read in black and bold lettering:

**This may or may not be Godric's Hollow, residence of Lily and James Potter. But that depends on who wants to know and how much chocolate you have because Lily loves chocolate. **

Hermione, Ron, The Chosen One, and Master Teng reached the gate and got off of their horses.

"What do we do with the horses?" asked Ron. Dumbledore turned and looked at him. He pulled out his wand and pointed it at the horses. Hermione, Ron, The Chosen One, and Master Teng all freaked out at the sight of the wand and got out of the way.

"_POCKET SIZE-EEEO_!" spelled Dumbledore. The horses shrank into pocket-sized horses. Dumbledore then summoned the six horses to him and put them into his black bag.

"Nice," disemboweled Ron. The four horse-less characters walked through the gate and joined Harry and Dumbledore in the front yard.

"Right," wagered Harry. "We should make a plan so that if anything goes wrong inside, we won't be caught off guard." The other characters squinted their eyes and nodded. That was a sign that they were thinking. Harry thought of a plan first. He relayed that plan idea to the others.

"So since there are six of us and there are at least six rooms, we should split into pairs and each check out two of the rooms. That way, it works well," Harry explained. Ron nodded.

"Yes, that might work," he said. "OR we could each take a room and that way we get it done faster and then we could just scream if we find something of use or if we are in trouble." The others liked Ron's idea. Harry thought a minute but finally caved in.

"Aight," he agreed. "Let's all do what _Ron_ wants to do…in my house." Everyone nodded.

"Wait a tick," spluttered Hermione. "What sort of scream should we do? Like what should it sound like?" Dumbledore answered that one.

"It should be a womanly scream," he suggested. "It should sound like this if we find something of use: AIIIEEEHHHHHHHHH!"

"Alright," said Ron. "And what about when we need help?"

"That one should add an 'ooo' in the middle of the scream," added Dumbledore. "So it should sound like this: AIIIEEEOOOHHHHHHH!"

"Nice!" complimented Harry. "Now we've got our plan and our screams down. So let's go find us a clue! Chosen One, Master Teng, and I will take the three upstairs rooms. Ron, Hermione, and Professor Dumbledore can take the downstairs rooms. Break!" Everyone left the huddle and walked up to the front door.

"UNLOCK-EEEO!" spelled Harry. The front door clicked. Harry turned the knob and opened the door. He walked inside. The house was dark, dank, and gloomy. It had the air of a house that no one had lived in for sixteen years. There were lots of cobwebs and the lights were all off. They all walked into the front room. The stairs were right there as you opened the front door to the right. Harry, The Chosen One, and Master Teng all nodded at the other three characters and ascended the stairs. Once they got to the top of the stairs, they turned left because it was the only direction they could turn. There was a wall on the right. Harry took the first door to his left. The Chosen One took the next room, and Master Teng took the last. Downstairs, Ron took the room that was to the right of the front door. Hermione took the room that was closest to the front door but on the left, and Dumbledore took the farthest left room.

Harry found a small bed in the room he was looking at. There was also a toy hanging in the middle of the room with those strings and toys dangling from them. Harry swatted them for fun. It _was_ fun! He smiled but kept looking. He decided that this had been his room. It had to be. There was a bookshelf with teddy bears on the top most shelf. Also, there were diapers. Harry found a desk and looked through the drawers. Maybe he would find something in there. It just so happened he did. He found a folded piece of parchment with his name on the front of it. He took out the sheet of paper, unfolded it, and read it. His jaw dropped. This was big! This was huge! This may have been what he was searching for! He pocketed the piece of parchment just as he heard Dumbledore scream.

"AIIIEEEHHHHHHH!" screamed Dumbledore. Harry quickly pulled out his wand and ran down the stairs. He met up with Ron and Hermione and the three of them ran into the room that Dumbledore had been checking: the farthest left downstairs room.

"What is it??" the three teens asked in unison just as The Chosen One and Master Teng arrived in the room. Dumbledore pointed a shaky right pointer finger at a sign in the middle of the room. The sign had red-colored text on it. Harry read the sign aloud.

"There is no horcrux here. And I did not write this sign with blood from someone I have killed. Oh yeah, and this sign is _not_ a horcrux!"

"That's it then," sighed Ron. "We have come here for nothing. Voldemort would not leave a sign like that if he had indeed put a horcrux here. That must mean we must search elsewhere and this trip has been in vain." Harry looked down at his feet. Then he pulled his glasses up off his nose with his right hand.

"It hasn't been a total loss, Ron," he said to his best mate. "I found something, something I must check up on alone. I will be back shortly." The others eyed him wearily.

"You found something?" Hermione asked. Harry nodded.

"What?" asked The Chosen One. Harry shook his head.

"I must go this one alone," he reiterated. "This one's personal." No one said anything. Harry took that as silent resignation. He pocketed his wand and walked out of the room. He walked down the hallway and out the front door. Once outside, he whistled. Brownie jumped out of Dumbledore's hand bag and blundered through the hallway and out the front door.

"Oh yeah," remembered Harry. "I forgot you were in there." Brownie trotted to Harry and knelt down for Harry to climb on top. Harry did so. Just as Brownie got up, the others joined Harry and Brownie outside. Harry turned Brownie towards them. "Don't be afraid; I will return," he told them in a British accent. "In a few days. Yeeaahh!" He whipped the reins through the air and off sped Brownie.

"Well," sighed Dumbledore. "Who's down for some Wii?" Ron perked up.

"I am!" he responded eagerly.

Morning came, and with it came the sounds of the birds: _AAAHHHH_! Ron pulled his pillow up over his head and closed the sides in around his ears.

"Bloody birds!" he moaned. A couple hours later, Ron pulled himself out of bed and walked into the kitchen, which was the downstairs room closest to the front door but to the left of it. Hermione was making herself some coffee. "It's been five bloody days!" he complained to Hermione. She looked up at him from her coffee pot. "When's he gonna get his bloody ass back from whatever the bloody hell he is doing anyway??!" Hermione shook her head and sipped from her coffee mug. She joined Ron at the table.

"I don't know, Ronald," she said soothingly to her man. "I don't know when he will be returning. All I know is that he better get back quickly or we will miss the war!" Ron smirked. _Miss the war_, that crazy Hermione! Just then, they heard voices in the not-so-distant-distance. Hermione stood up and spilled her coffee over the table. Ron furrowed his eyebrows and got up too. They both walked to the front door and opened it. They saw two people on horseback walking towards them. One was on a brown horse and the other was on a white horse with black spots. Hermione walked through the front door and squinted to see who it was. It was Harry! And he had brought a friend along!

"It's Harry!" shouted Hermione. She shouted into the house. "Dumbledore, come quick! Harry's back! And he's not alone!" Dumbledore ran down the stairs and joined Ron and Hermione outside the front door. Dumbledore squinted just as Hermione had done and then jumped up for joy.

"Yea yea!" he hollered. "Harry's back, yo!" Dumbledore, Ron, and Hermione all ran towards Harry and his friend. Harry and his companion reached the grassy wall and wooden gate and dismounted from their horses. Hermione ran through the wooden gate and hugged Harry.

"Harry, you're back!" she said excitedly. "And who might this be?" She pointed towards the new character. He was the same size as Harry. He had brown eyes. His hair was matted and long. It was dirty blond and covered his forehead. He had a large beard and mustache that were also both dirty blond in color. His clothes were faded, ripped, and torn. He looked like a homeless guy, a vagabond. In fact, he had been referred to as 'Vaga' by the people of the village he had lived in.

"But his real name is Charlie Martin Phootetery," Harry explained. "He helped me on my journey, and he will be joining our ranks. He too is a wizard. He has his own wand and everything." And indeed, Charlie Martin did have his own wand. His wand resembled Harry's in many ways, including in color and size. The handle was a little different though. Hermione smiled at Charlie Martin.

"Welcome!" she greeted of him. Charlie Martin beamed at her. He liked being welcome. He had not been very welcome in his old village.

Everyone had a spot of breakfast and then they got ready to go. Dumbledore spoke to Harry in private in the farthest left downstairs room.

"Hogwarts needs our help, yo," Dumbledore blabbled. "We mus' go an' help with the battle!"

"Then, let's do it!" declared Harry. They pounded fists and then joined everyone else in the entrance room. Harry looked at everyone as they got outside. "Let's win us a battle!" he wagered.

"YEAH!" everyone shouted in unison. The seven characters mounted their horses and rode in the direction of Hogwarts. Along the way, they were met by Neo, Trinity, and some other Matrix characters. Dumbledore conjured some horses and they all rode on towards Hogwarts together.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12: The Weasleys

Mrs. Weasley watched as everyone ate breakfast at the table after the departure of Ron, Harry, and Hermione. They ate food on top of plates. They liked food. Lupin liked dog food. And so did Fleur. She was an odd bird, except that she wasn't even a bird, so she was just odd. Mrs. Weasley looked away from Fleur eating dog food and instead looked at Percy. A great warmth flowed through her when she looked at him. Percy had finally made amends with the household. All of a sudden, Mrs. Weasley was swept into a recollection of the day Percy came back…

_It was Saturday morning on July 3__rd__. Mrs. Weasley wanted her whole family to be at Bill's and Fleur's wedding on July 10__th__. This included the one son that had stopped being considered part of the family: Percy the Git. She decided that she would go to the ministry and plead with him to come back to the family. She wrapped some food for the journey and grabbed floo powder and walked to the fireplace. She stepped into the fireplace and called out clearly and loudly, "THAT ONE PLACE!" She was engulfed in green flames and started to spin around and around. She could see the fireplaces of many people before finally reaching the place she wanted to be. She stepped out of the fireplace and realized she was right in the middle of the street. A red convertible almost hit her and had to skid to a halt to miss her. Mrs. Weasley gave the driver a dirty look and walked out of the street. She walked to the place where the ministry was hidden. She entered the phone booth and heard a voice say some crap with a strange accent._

_"Jolly good!" Mrs. Weasley proclaimed. She told the phone booth that she was a guest and so she opened up the doors to the phone booth and walked into the Ministry of Magic Headquarters place with her awesome Guest badge. A man named Norbert stopped her._

_"You can't just waltz in here without being inspected, ma'am," he told her. Mrs. Weasley pursed her lips and furrowed her eyebrows at him. But then she relinquished her glare and gave the man her wand. He looked at the wand and stuck it up some goblin's ass. Then he took it out of the goblin's ass. The goblin looked alarmed, but then he looked around and saw Norbert. He smiled and waved his hand at Norbert._

_"Oh, Norbert!" he exclaimed. "You rascal, you!" Then he walked away chuckling to himself. Norbert chuckled too. Then he reached into his pocket and grabbed his walkie-talkie. _

_"All units, we have a goblin alert! Code Little Dude!! Swarm, swarm!!" Six wizard security guards jumped out of nowhere and tackled the goblin. They wrestled him to the ground and put handcuffs around his arms behind his back. The goblin turned around and saw Norbert._

_"Oh, Norbert!!" he exclaimed. "You hooligan!" He chuckled to himself as the security wizards brought him to his feet. Norbert chuckled too and so did the security guards, who were wizards. They carried him off. "I'll get past you some day!" the goblin chuckled to Norbert. Norbert still chuckled._

_"Oh that crazy goblin! Always thinks he can get past us!" Again, Norbert chuckled. Mrs. Weasley eyed him wearily._

_"May I have my wand back, please?" she asked him impatiently. Norbert turned to her, stopped chuckling, and slapped her across her face. Then he looked down at her wand that he still had in his hands._

_"Oh, yeah, sure," he replied, and he handed back Mrs. Weasley's wand. "Here you are." She thanked him and then asked him where she might find Percy Weasley. Norbert slapped Mrs. Weasley across her face a second time._

_"You mean that red-haired crazy guy who thinks he is better than everyone else?" he asked her. She nodded. "He is upstairs in the closet. That's where he works now. He works in the closet next to Scrimgeour's office. He is so proud of that promotion. He used to work in the second floor toilets, women's toilets." Mrs. Weasley looked disgusted, but she thanked Norbert nonetheless and made her way to the closet next to Scrimgeour's office. _

_After a lot of asking around, she finally found the closet. She opened the door, but it was empty! There was no one inside that closet! She was flabbergasted! Where could Percy have gone to now? She looked around and then she saw him: a red-haired, horn-brimmed glasses guy who was telling this one old wizard all about the dangers of being Scrimgeour's personal assistant. The old wizard looked grumpy and started to swing his arms like a windmill. Mrs. Weasley chose now to make her move._

_"Percy!!" she called to her son. "Oh, Percy!!" She ran over to him and hugged him and started crying all over Percy's newly ironed robes. The old wizard took this as his exit cue and ran away screaming and crying. Percy looked disgusted. He pushed his mother off of him._

_"Who are you, woman?!!" he asked angrily. "Why do you embrace me like that? That is really weird! Don't you know that I am an extremely important Ministry official, ma'am?" He looked down at her tear-stricken face. "I demand to know who you are at once!" _

_Mrs. Weasley wiped her eyes and looked intently at her son. "I am your mother, Percy." Percy looked at her in alarm. Surely this could not be his mother! He thought for a moment._

_"Well, then," he finally replied. "If you are my mother then answer this one question for me." Mrs. Weasley grinned and said "certainly." _

_"If you are indeed my real mother, then what is my name?" He stroked his smooth chin and looked intently down at her._

_"Percy," Mrs. Weasley replied._

_"Damn!" Percy admonished. "Alright, well then if you are my mother, then what do I normally call you: Miss Woman Thing Dude? Or mother?" Again he stroked his chin and looked down at her. Mrs. Weasley smiled._

_"Mother," she answered him. Percy's lip dropped. How did she know that?!! This woman knew too much, he thought. _

_"Alright then, what is my name?" _

_"Percy! For crying out-loud! Your brothers were right, you aaare a twit!" she exclaimed impatiently. Percy looked affronted._

_"So I have brothers, do I?" he asked her. "Who are these brothers of mine?" He gave a triumphant smirk at his mother because he did not think she could possibly know the answer to that one._

_"Fred and George," she said absentmindedly. "Ron also said that, and he is your youngest brother. Actually, your two older brothers, Bill and Charlie, both think you are a twit too. And then there's Ginny. She is your sister. She pooped on your bed just last night. Oh that Ginny! Always pooping on things." Percy's eyes bulged._

_"I have a sister?" he asked energetically. "Since when did I have a sister? And since when was Ginny a girl??" Mrs. Weasley rolled her eyes._

_"Since I gave birth to her about 15 years ago." She looked exhausted. Percy was not being too cooperative._

_"Alright, one last question. If you get it right, then you are indeed my mother. If not, then you are not my mother, but are possibly my father…Alright, here is the question: when was I born?" Mrs. Weasley chuckled at this question._

_"The day I gave birth to you, of course!!" she sang out. Percy was shocked! How could she possibly know that? Unless, she actually was his…mother? He pondered this. "Mother?" he implored of her._

_"Yes, Percy," she answered. "Yes I am. And I have come back to you now to take you to the house. Your brother Bill is to be married in a week, and I…and I want you to be there. Bill even said that if you come back, you can have your old room and can be in the wedding. But only if you apologize for being a stupid dipshit dumbass." Percy thought for a moment. _

_"I would love to come with you, mother," he began. "But alas, I cannot. They tied my shoe laces together." Mrs. Weasley looked down at her son's shoes._

_"A knot!" she exclaimed. "Those bastards." _

_"Yes, mother. Scrimgeour does not want me leaving the Ministry of Magic. He is afraid of my going back to your house and joining sides with you. He has forbidden me to go. He also doesn't want me eating at Taco Bell anymore because that food gives me gas. And then he…" Percy gave a sniff and wiped his nose. Tears started rolling down his cheeks. "And then he tied my shoe laces together!! Damn that Scrimmy!! Damn him!! All I wanted was one taco! Just one! Is that so much to ask for??" He started balling. Mrs. Weasley patted his back and then thought for a moment._

_"Scrimmy?!!" she asked her son._

_"Yes, that is what he wants us to call him now: Scrimmy." Mrs. Weasley looked appalled. What a crappy nick name!! "And that's not the worst of it, mother. I found something out, not too long ago. Scrimmy…he's not a Britain." He waited and looked at his mom to see her reaction. She looked at him intently with wide eyes._

_"He's not?" she asked him._

_"Nope," he replied._

_"Well then, what is he? English?" Percy looked at his mother in disbelief._

_"No, mother. We are all English. Great Britain and England are two names for the same fucking country! No, he's a…he's a…he's a Scott!! He's from Scotland, mother!!" Mrs. Weasley opened her mouth in amazement._

_"He's a Scott?!" she asked him unbelievingly._

_"Oh aye, he is," Percy replied in a Scottish accent. Mrs. Weasley's eyes looked around frantically, trying to put two-and-two together. But math had never been her best subject. In fact, she had failed it._

_"Then that means that England's Minister of Magic is a Scott!! And that the wizards of England are being ruled by a Scottish dude!!" She looked at Percy. Percy gave a sad smile and nodded._

_"Yes, so it does." Mrs. Weasley fell to her knees and raised her fists above her head and shook them. She looked at the ceiling._

_"NOOOOOO!" she called out. "We have to warn everyone! Come on, Percy! To the Weasleymobile!!"_

_"Mother," replied Percy. "We cannot do that. Scrimmy has many people working for him, Scotts and Irish dudes and dudettes. I even heard rumor that William Wallace is working for him!! We cannot beat that man!"_

_"Which William Wallace? The real one, or Mel Gibson?" Percy thought about that one. Then the answer came to him when Mel Gibson entered the room with his face painted: half was red and the other half…blue! _

_"I am William Wallace," he said to them._

_"You can't be," Mrs. Weasley said. "He is dead, and he's a Scott." Mel Gibson looked at her and then slapped her across her cheek._

_"So I've heard. And he has firebolts coming out of his eyes, and if he were here then he would consume the English by the hundreds. I am William Wallace…" But before he could continue, he was interrupted._

_"Dude, you totally butchered that line, Mr. Gibson comma Mel." Mel Gibson turned and looked at Percy, who had interrupted him. He looked really pissed off! Someone had actually gotten up the nerve to tell him, Mel Gibson, that he had made a mistake!! Mel became so angry and upset that he ran out of the place they were in screaming and crying and saying that he hated everybody. Percy and Mrs. Weasley watched as Mel ran out of this place with great relief. Mel Gibson wasn't going to be an obstacle they had to jump over._

_"Well," began Mrs. Weasley. "Let's get you back home then." And with that, she picked up her son and threw him against a wall. Then she walked over to him and picked him up again and threw him into the elevator shaft. She then got into the elevator shaft with him. Percy picked himself up with great difficulty because he was in pain. He was a wussy and couldn't take being thrown around a little bit. They got to the first floor and walked out of the elevator shaft. They walked towards the exit and Mrs. Weasley waved to Norbert. Norbert waved to her and then dove and tackled that dang goblin. He was trying to get into the Ministry of Magic again!! What a hooligan! Everyone chuckled, even Mrs. Weasley. Percy looked appalled by this but said nothing as he hopped along. Unfortunately for Percy, he wasn't paying attention and hopped right into a random hole in the ground. Mrs. Weasley stopped and looked back at the hole._

_"Oh honestly, Percy!!" she exclaimed. "We can play in holes when we get home! Now stop playing around!" She took out her wand and said "Accio Percy!" Percy came flying towards her out of the hole and she ducked. He ended up hitting another wall. Mrs. Weasley walked briskly to Percy lying in pain on the ground and picked him up. "Let's get you home before you hurt yourself," she said to him in a motherly sort of tone._

_"Unhand me, mother!" he retorted angrily to her. "I can do it myself. Afterall, I am a very important ministry official. I am the assistant to the Minister of Magic and it's not as easy as one would think. I have to do everything for him. I answer his phone; I get him coffee in the mornings; I wipe him after he goes to the bathroom. It is very stressing being who I am. But I am very proud of this honor. I hope that maybe one day, father will show some of the ambition that I have shown. Maybe one day, the family will not be poor anymore."_

_Mrs. Weasley did not like her son speaking this way of his own father! And did he tell her that his job included wiping the Minister of Magic's ass?? Holy crap, man! That's messed up! I mean shit! Figuratively and literally. Mrs. Weasley agreed. She punched Percy on the nose really hard. And Percy went down quickly._

_"Your father will never wipe another person's ass! Unless it's mine! Never!!" Mrs. Weasley lost control and started flailing her arms and screaming. Norbert came over to see what all the commotion was. Once he saw that it involved Percy, he lost no time in taking him out. He picked Percy up off the ground, wiped Percy's bleeding nose, punched him on the same nose he had just wiped blood off of, and stuck his wand up Percy's ass. _

_"Aaaaarrgh!" screamed Percy in pain. "Damnit, man! That hurts! Take your wand out of my ass! Do you know who I am?? I am a very important person in the Ministry of Magic. I am the Minister's personal assistant! I wipe his ass for crying out loud!! His ass!!" _

_Norbert raised his right eyebrow and looked at Mrs. Weasley for help. She just shrugged and shook her head. Norbert looked at Percy again. Then he looked back at Mrs. Weasley. She looked at him. He looked at her. She looked at the wand in Percy's ass. Norbert looked at the wand in Percy's ass too. They both started laughing jovially. Percy just shook in anger and frustration at not being treated like royalty._

_"I demand you take this wand out of my ass at once!" Percy demanded of the security wizard. Norbert and Mrs. Weasley just continued to laugh at Percy's misfortunes in his anus._

_"What's wrong, son?" Mrs. Weasley asked her son while trying to hold back her laughter. "Something up your ass??" She could not hold her laughter any longer. She and Norbert fell on the ground laughing so hard! Everyone else in the Ministry of Magic laughed as well. They didn't like Percy. No one did. They all thought he was a giant poo-poo-head. Any one of them would have shoved their own wands up Percy's ass if Norbert hadn't beaten 'em to it. Percy glowed red in anger now. He reached behind him and yanked the wand out of his ass. Then he handed Norbert back his wand. Norbert took his wand with a disgusted look on his face._

_"EWWW!" he gasped. "Percy butt-bogeys!!" And with that, he wiped his wand off on some random wizard's robes. The wizard looked appalled, but said nothing. Norbert placed the now-cleaned wand back into his own robes. Then he straightened up and looked at Percy. Percy looked at him. He looked at Percy. Percy glowered at him now._

_"I am a highly important ministry official, sir," he said importantly to Norbert the Security Wizzard Dude Guy. "You cannot stick objects up my ass!! Only Scrimmy can! And you're not Scrimmy, are you??"_

_Norbert looked confused at the name 'Scrimmy.'_

_"Scrimmy??" he asked Percy bewilderedly. _

_"The Minister of Magic!" Percy shot back matter-of-factly. _

_"Riiiiight," replied Norbert in an unimpressed tone. The two of them just stood there looking at each other for sometime before Mrs. Weasley intervened._

_"Right, well thanks, Norbert," she said to Norbert. "But my son and I have to get back to the House before it gets too late."_

_"You mean the Burrow, don't you, mother?" Percy asked her correctingly. She shot him a nasty look, but recovered herself hastily._

_"Yes, dumb-ass," she replied to Percy. "I did mean the Burrow. Well, Norbert, have a good day." She smiled at Norbert and he returned her smile with one of his own. Then Mrs. Weasley led Percy out of the Ministry of Magic. "Let's get you home then," she said to her son._

Meanwhile, back in normal time, Fred and George noticed on the Weasley clock that the arrow for their mother was pointed to "Lost in a flashback."

"Damn it, Fred," wagered George.

"Yes," agreed Fred. "She's lost in yet another flashback." He looked at his twin brother, who happened to be the same age as him. "Should we bring her back to the normal time?" he asked of his twin brother.

George thought a moment and seemed decided on something.

"Sure, why not," he wagered yet again. Fred smiled deviously at his twin. George returned that devious smile with a mischievous one of his own. However, before they could do anything to wake their mum, their father beat them to it. He threw a ham at her and hit her in the face with it. She awoke from her flashback and massaged her face.

"Oye!" Mr. Weasley called out. "Oye, Molly! We need more ham! I just threw the last one at you so you would know we need more! Just so you know." With that settled, Mr. Weasley got back to the task he was trying to get done at the table: playing Wizarding Chess with Lupin. Lupin massaged his temples. The last move by Arthur Weasley was a doozie: he moved his queen right next to Remus's king and then one of Remus's rooks gave the pair a key to some hidden compartment. The next thing they knew, Arthur's queen and Remus's king had disappeared and the board had started moving slowly back and forth.

"What do you reckon they're doing in there?" Charlie asked Lupin. Lupin squinted his eyes and looked horrorstruck.

"Probably playing Wii boxing!" he proclaimed. And then he stood up quickly. "With my controllers!!" Lupin was hysterical. He had waited in line for three minutes to get those controllers! And now they were being used by two chess pieces! Oh the humanity of it! Lupin ran away to his room screaming and crying.

"Well, I guess I win," suggested Tonks. Mr. Weasley and Charlie both looked at her in awe.

"You?" asked Mr. Weasley.

"But you weren't even playing," argued Charlie.

"Wasn't I, Charlie?" Tonks argued right back. "Wasn't I?" Charlie and Mr. Weasley thought a moment. They both reached into their backpacks and pulled out a note pad, a pen, a pencil, and a calculator. Mr. Weasley also pulled out his reading glasses. The two of them got to work. Charlie did a whole bunch of calculations and carried the one and then did some other stuff and then he finally looked down at the note pad he performed all of his calculations on. He gave a sigh of relief.

"There," he said exhaustedly as he handed Tonks the note pad. "These calculations prove that you were not playing chess." Tonks took a look at the note pad. It had on it the main calculation of 1+12, and then various ways of doing the same calculation. One of the other methods was inverting the ones and another one was flipping the ones; both of those other methods also came out with 2 as the answer.

"Very nice, Charlie," beamed Tonks. "You have now passed the second grade!!" A great big smile erupted on Charlie's face. He was so excited! He had always wanted to pass the second grade! And now he had, now he had. Charlie looked at his father expecting him to be beaming back at him. However, Mr. Weasley still had his reading glasses on and was cranking away on the calculator and note pad.

"Father," Charlie winsickled. But no answer. "Father!" Mr. Weasley looked up at his second eldest son.

"Yes, second eldest son of Weasley Senior, what is it?"

"Father," Charlie began again. "I proved to Tonks with my calculations that she had not been playing chess and so I have passed the second grade as a result! So why are you still doing calculations?"

Mr. Weasley looked down at his calculations. "Bills, son. I have done some extreme calculating and have determined that we have bills to pay."

"But, father," protested Charlie. "You didn't have to do those calculations, you could have just read this notice that says we have bills to pay." Mr. Weasley looked down at the notice. Tonks looked over at Charlie and smiled.

"Damn, Charlie," she beamed. "You're on fire today!" Charlie grinned broadly. But just then, some firefighters broke into the house and started watering down Charlie with their fire hoses.

"What are you doing??" demanded Mr. Weasley.

"Damn it, man! What does it look like we're doing??" retaliated the angry fireman. "We're putting him out! That woman with the hair and legs said he was on fire today so we have come to put him out! Out I say!!"

"But he isn't on fire!" yelled Tonks.

"Well, damn it, woman! Make up your mind! First he's on fire, now he isn't! Which is it??" Tonks thought about an answer to that question.

"I didn't mean he was on fire literally, but metaphorically," she explained.

"Well, damn it, woman!" protested the fireman. "I'm British! I don't know these things! Keep your metaphors to a minimum!" The fireman motioned to his men. "Come, let's go get a doughnut and some coffee!" The other firefighters stopped trying to put Charlie out and went to get some coffee and doughnuts. Charlie was relieved. They had finally stopped trying to put him out AND he had passed the second grade today! Boy, what a splendid day this was turning into!! All of a sudden, there was a loud roar in the woods behind the Weasley's house. Everyone turned and looked towards the woods.

"What the blimey was that?!" asked Mr. Weasley. Charlie shook his head.

"I don't know," he confessed. Lupin looked utterly perplexed.

"Well it wasn't my stomach. Of that we can be certain."

"Yes," agreed Mr. Weasley. "We did already feed you kibbles 'N' bits. You should be good for awhile." Just then a sudden pain shot through Charlie's right hand. He swore loudly.

"Jumpin' blimesicles!" he swore. Mr. Weasley and Lupin turned abruptly towards him.

"You alright, son?" Mr. Weasley asked of his second eldest son.

"Yeah," sighed Charlie. "Yeah, I'm fine. I just need to get some rest." Mr. Weasley smiled and nodded.

"Yes," he agreed. "You have had quite a day!" He patted Charlie on the back jovially and walked out of the room, followed closely by Lupin. Charlie grimaced in pain and looked down at his right hand. It had been awhile since it had hurt him like this. He walked up the stairs and to his room. He made sure he was alone and closed the door behind him. He sat down on his bed and uncovered the sleeve that had covered up the palm of his right hand. Looking down at a scar below his right thumb that resembled a letter 'e'-looking dragon, he massaged his hand. It was tender and red. He heard a voice inside his head.

_It is time_, the voice said in a deep, harsh tone. Charlie just nodded and grimaced again. He covered up his hand once more and rallied up his belongings into a black shoulder bag. After his bag was filled and the strap was upon his shoulder, he headed back downstairs. His mother, Mrs. Weasley, greeted him at the foot of the stairs.

"I heard you were feeling ill," she claimed. "Are you alright, dear?" Charlie double-taked at this statement but regained his composure quickly.

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine now," he explained. "But listen, Mother. I must be headed back to Romania. There is something I must see to." He watched his mother to see her reaction. She looked a little hurt and shocked to say the least, but she too regained her composure. The Weasley's were good at that. They got confused easily.

"Oh, oh alright," Mrs. Weasley said calmly. "Alright. When do you leave?" She looked down at her feet. Charlie followed her gaze and also looked at her feet. Yep, both feet were there alright. Anyway…

"Today, Mother," Charlie answered. "Now." Mrs. Weasley looked up at her second eldest son.

"Today??" she asked unbelievablized. "But…but you just got…but why today??" Charlie looked down at his hand and clenched it into a fist.

"There is something I must do, Mother," he reasoned to her. "There are some people I must see. I will be back, though. I will return." Tears swelled up in Mrs. Weasley's eyes. She could not believe that her son had to leave them so soon. She looked at the ground and swallowed hard.

"Okay," she gasped. "Let me go get your father." Charlie nodded and waited for her to return. Five minutes later, everyone in the Burrow came to the foot of the stairs to meet with Charlie. He eyed them cautiously. There were more of them than he thought he could take. Just then, the voice in his head spoke up again.

_What is taking you so long??_ it asked. Charlie bit his lip.

_I will be there shortly_, he responded. _I must say 'good-bye' first_.

Mr. and Mrs. Weasley both approached their son. Bill and Fleur approached Charlie likewise. And so did Percy. And Fred, George, and Ginny did too. And so did all of the Order of the Phoenix. Fine, everyone approached Charlie. Mrs. Weasley gave her son a hug.

"Do be careful, Charlie," she exclaimed. "Don't do anything reckless!"

"I will be, and I won't," answered Charlie. Then Mr. Weasley gave Charlie a hug.

"Ditto," he fatherized. Charlie smiled. Bill came next and gave his brother a hug. Then Fleur, Fred, George, and Ginny did likewise. Lupin and Tonks were next. And then the other random characters I didn't mention yet. After all of this was said and done, Charlie made for the door. As he started turning the doorknob, he turned back and looked at everyone.

"Don't be afraid," he Charlied. "I will return." With that, he turned the doorknob and walked out of the doorway. He turned around and did last waves to the family and others at the Burrow. Then he turned towards the woods and began to trot.

_Don't worry, Zapato_, he said to the voice. _I am on my way_. He reached the woods and entered it and was met by another loud roar and a rush of large wings. Then Charlie was gone.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13: The Battle of Hogwarts

Hagrid looked in alarm at the many Death Eaters, giants, spiders, and blast-ended skrewts. He was all alone here. But then his strength returned to him.

"Get outta my house!" he roared to Macnair and Lucius. Lucius looked at Macnair. Macnair looked at Lucius and shrugged.

"Um, Hagrid," Macnair began. "We're not _in_ your house." Hagrid's angry face turned into a pale hue of purple humiliation.

"Oh, sorry abou' tha'," he replied. Then he grabbed Macnair in one arm and Lucius in the other and pulled them into his hut. "Now you are. So get outta my house!!"

"You call this a house?" Lucius questioned Hagrid disgustedly. "Believe me, I take no pleasure in being here. We have come, though, to kill you. So, uh, let us kill you and stuff." Hagrid gave Lucius a defiant look.

"Get him, Fang!!" he ordered of his large hound. Fang jumped up but Lucius gave the dog a death look that scared the crap out of him. Fang ran away peeing and crapping on himself. Hagrid had not been expecting that. Lucius pointed his swond at Hagrid's heart.

"Right then, Hagrid," Lucius spoke. "Give up and die." Hagrid looked down at the swond, and another defiant look stretched over his large and hairy face.

"Yeh'll jus' have to kill me," Hagrid replied defiantly.

"I know that," replied Lucius. "That's the whole point. _Avada Kedavra_!" A green light jumped off his swond tip and hit Hagrid squarely in the chest. The massive half-giant gave a roar of discomfort, muttered 'touche,' and fell on the floor, death cursed. "He looks dead to me," Lucius said to Macnair.

"Yeah, he looks pretty dead to me too," returned Macnair. They both sheathed their swonds and walked out of the hut. "He's dead," Macnair told the others who were waiting for them outside Hagrid's hut. Golgomath gave a roar of anger because he hadn't been the one who had killed Hagrid, but did nothing to retaliate. They all made their way to the castle. They walked over to the Whomping Willow and Snape took out his swond.

"_ALIVE-EEO_!" he shouted out to the tree. An orange light emerged from the tip of his swond and slammed into the trunk of the Whomping Willow. A large moan emitted from the tree and the ground shook. The Whomping Willow broke out of the ground and walked over to this evil army sent by Lord Voldemort. "Fight for us," Snape said to the tree in tree language. The Whomping Willow nodded in agreement.

Up in Dumbledore's old office, Minerva McGonagall sat at her chair at her desk and wrote on bits of parchment. She was writing the pieces of parchment to students who would be returning to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry next year, since the governors had all decided to go ahead and let Hogwarts reopen for this next school term. She had quite a few left to write and she had to include at least one insult on each of them like, "You're fat! Stop that!" Just then a loud knock was heard on her door.

"Come in," she said stiffly. Mr. Filch ran into the office out of breath, with his cat, Mrs. Norris, right at his heels. Professor McGonagall looked up at Filch, furrowed her eyebrows, and threw her stapler at him. "What's wrong, Argus?" she asked him after he had dodged the flying stapler.

"Professor," Filch gasped. "Death Eaters, Professor! They're here! They have come to kill us all! And they didn't even bring refreshments!!" Filch clutched the ache in his side but still looked at Professor McGonagall with anguish in his eyes. Professor McGonagall looked absolutely stunned. She could not believe that Death Eaters had come here! And that they had forgotten the refreshments! What were they going to eat now??

"Are you sure, Argus?" she inquired of the school's caretaker. Filch nodded. Professor McGonagall looked down at her trembling right hand. "Go round up the rest of the teachers who are still at the school, and anyone else you can find, Argus. We must make a stand, and it must be sturdy enough to stand on because I intend to. It may quite possibly be our last stand. No more wooden crafts for us! Go now, and fear no evil!" Filch nodded and ran out of the office, with Mrs. Norris still clinging to his feet. Minerva looked down at her trembling right hand again. She was afraid that this would happen. But why now?? She hadn't even eaten her macaroni and cheese yet!! Her stomach growled. "I am sorry, Stomacho. You won't be getting any food tonight." Her stomach gave a growl of protest. It was hungry. It needed food, but she had a fight to partake in first. If she survived it, then she could eat. But not yet. Not yet…

Snape and all of the other bad guys made their way to the castle's entrance gates. Once they got to the gates, Snape proceeded to bang on it.

"Hello!!" he called, but no one answered. They all waited for a moment. "Hello!!" Snape called out again. This time, someone clad in armor with a helmet on came to the top of the gate and looked down at them. He had a hairy mustache.

"Hellooo," he said in a funny accent. "Who is it?"

"We are servants of the Dark Lord. We are here on his orders. We have come to kill you all or give you the chance to fight for us. May we speak with the master of this castle?"

"I will go get her, but she won't be too happy. She hasn't eaten dinner yet."

"Well may we go inside and see her?"

"No! You are filthy English types!"

Lucius looked confused at this comment. "What are you then?" he asked the man with the weird accent who wasn't letting them into the castle.

"I am French!! Why do you think I've got this outraaageous accent, you silly little girl?!"

"What are you doing in England?" Lucius asked him.

"Mind your own business!" the French guy retorted angrily. Lucius looked hurt and so he looked down at his own feet. Snape looked up at the French guy and started to get a little angry.

"Let us speak to the master of your castle!" he yelled up at the French dude with a curly mustache.

"No!" replied the French dude. "I blow my nose at you! Go boil your bottoms under a silly person." Snape was not happy with this.

"If you do not go get your master, then we will be forced to take this castle by force!"

"I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries! Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time!" The French guy looked down at the evil army with great satisfaction. He thought surely they would leave, rather than stay and get taunted a second time. When they did not leave immediately, the French guy, whose name was Frenchildo, spoke to his comrades. "Pitch in a bush!" he told them.

"What?" they asked him startledly.

"Pitch in a bush!" he repeated. His fellows went and grabbed a cow and brought it back to the catapult. Then they fired the cow at the evil army people.

"Aaaaargggh!" they screamed as the cow fell on Death Eater Extra. Then Snape led them on. "Right," he said as he unsheathed his swond. "Attack!!" They all attacked the gates as the French dudes fired all sorts of farm animals at them: cows, pigs, chickens, goats, and even sheep. "Runaway!" called Snape to the evil people. "Runaway, runaway!!" They fled until they were just out of reach of the catapulting farm animals.

"I think I have an idea," began Lucius as everyone else listened to him. "If we make a wooden rabbit and give it to them as a gift, we could hide a few of us in the rabbit and we could take them by surprise at night when they are all asleep." Everyone nodded in agreement. They liked this plan.

"Yes," replied Snape. "We could do that, OR we could just blow open the gates and take out the French guys with various jinxes." Again everyone nodded in agreement. They liked this plan too. It was a choice between going along with Lucius Malfoy or Severus Snape, a deusche bag or a turd sandwich respectively. Snape won the vote, so the turd sandwich won. All of the Death Eaters unsheathed their swonds and strolled towards the gates. Some farm animals were fired at them but Snape blocked them with a lazy flick of his swond. They all walked up to the gates and raised their swonds.

"Oh crap," uttered the French guys.

"_BREAK-DOWN-THE-GATES-EEEO_!!" all of the Death Eaters shouted out. The gates gave a mighty crack and exploded open. The French guys went flying into the air and fell about 20 feet away from the gates. Snape and the others all headed into the castle. Snape got to the French guys first. He grabbed the leader French guy, the one who had taunted them at the gates, and pulled him up quickly.

"Go tell your master that we have entered into the castle." He thrust the French guy forward roughly. "Now!!" he snarled. The French guy ran off, and his comrades got up as fast as they could and ran after him. Snape turned to Lucius and the rest of the gang. "And now we wait," he said to them. "Let's set up." Lucius nodded and proceeded to slap Macnair across the face. It was a loud and painful slap, one worthy of a Death Eater.

Meanwhile, deeper inside the castle, the teachers and anyone else inside Hogwarts made ready for battle. Filch gave each of them a spear, a sword, armor, a helmet, a bow, and a quiver of arrows. They all put the armor on. Nearly Headless Nick and the rest of the ghosts, however, did not receive any equipment because they were ghosts and could not hold onto inanimate objects. This made Nearly Headless Nick sad in pants. He wanted armor and a spear!! Oh well. There were quite a few people that had been retrieved by Filch. Professor McGonagall walked into the armory and received her battle-gear from Filch as well.

"Good job, Argus," she complimented of him. Argus beamed at her and stroked his cat. Mrs. Norris purred and then threw up a fur ball.

"She likes to do that," Filch replied as he saw McGonagall's look of disgust. "Better in than out…strike that, reverse it." McGonagall eyed Filch wearily. She did not like the fact that he had a head. However, McGonagall took her gaze away from Filch and instead looked upon their own little Hogwarts-army. She put her armor on as she looked about the ranks. Little Professor Flitwick had shown up, and large Professor Talls. He was tall. Professor Trelawney was sharpening her sword, and her wand?? Interesting. Madam Hooch was eating a watermelon. Professor Sprout was watering another watermelon. Professor Binns was still dead and still quite boring. Madam Pince was reading a….a television set. Yes, she was reading television. Firenze was a centaur. He was half horse. Professor Slughorn was there too. He was trying to make some of his lucky potion: Felix Felicis. It was lucky stuff. There were other teachers there too. They were wizards and witches. They wore robes, and now were clad in armor. They also had wands. That was the army that now waited for the Battle of Hogwarts.

Frenchildo came running into the armory and ran up to Professor McGonagall. He held out his right hand with his fist closed.

"I have a message to deliver to you, old woman dude, from the Death Eaters who are now inside the castle."

"Let's have it then," replied a tense Minerva McGonagall. Frenchildo opened up his empty hand and showed it to her. She looked at his hand in confusion. Then Frenchildo slapped McGonagall across the face with his hand. McGonagall felt her red cheek. She did not like this message from the Death Eaters. Not one bit. "Very well," she cried. "They can have their little _war_. Because we will never surrender!" The others all cheered. They were ready to fight; Slughorn's Felix Felicis was now ready. He gave a little bit to everyone.

"It's enough for about 30 seconds of luck each!" he exclaimed enthusiastically. Everyone looked a little downtrodden at this, but they drank up their thimbles nonetheless and 30 seconds later, their luck wore off.

"How much time do we have?" McGonagall asked Frenchildo and his fellow Frenchies.

"My Lord," he trembled. "They are already in the castle. They will be waiting for us in the Great Hall. They're decorating it as we speak!!"

"Damn," replied McGonagall. "They're probably putting up black curtains and I hate black curtains! They're too dark...and black!"

"What do we do?" asked Frenchildo. "My men and I are French! We've never seen battle!" McGonagall looked at them horrorstruck. Then she thought a moment.

"Ahh, yes, well that _does_ makes sense: you guys _are_ French," she began. "We must meet them head on. We must lead them away from our women and children." All of the teachers, ghosts, and others looked at each other.

"Minerva," uttered Professor Trelawney. "A lot of us _are_ women. And there are no students here yet. So there are no children in this castle to lead the Death Eaters away from."

"Ahh, yes," thought Minerva. "Good point. Well then we must meet them head on and lead them away from our women and children!" There was a momentary pause as everyone thought about what McGonagall had just told them, but then they all shrugged and a loud cheer echoed throughout the armory. The army of Hogwarts was ready for battle against one thousand Death Eaters and other things. Just as they were walking out of the armory, a horn sounded in the distance.

"That is no orc horn!" beamed Slughorn as he ran to see who was joining their cause. And he was right: it was no orc horn. Instead, it was an elven horn; a house-elven horn. Dobby strode up to McGonagall. He commanded one thousand house-elves. The house-elves were clad in golden armor and sported amazing lilac cloaks. They also had golden helmets, beautiful and exquisite bows, many arrows, and shiny Quintana-blades.

"How is this possible?" questioned McGonagall with tears in her eyes.

"There was once an alliance between elves and men," Dobby claimed. "A long time ago we fought and died together. We have come to honor that allegiance." McGonagall was overcome with gratitude, but then she thought a moment.

"Uh, there never was an alliance between _house_-elves and men," she confessed. "And we never fought and died together." Dobby looked taken aback and confused. He thought a moment.

"Right," he said finally. "Dobby is ashamed of himself, ma'am. Dobby does not know many things." McGonagall smiled. It was true: Dobby didn't really know anything. But the house-elves were there anyway and were ready and willing to fight for the cause of saving Hogwarts.

"To battle," McGonagall wagered.

"To battle," everyone agreed. They made their way to the Great Hall. On their way to the Great Hall, they passed the third floor corridor. McGonagall stopped them.

"Where's Hagrid?" All of the teachers looked around the ranks, but Hagrid was not among them.

"M'lady," began Frenchildo. "He has fallen, m'lady. The Death Eaters killed him. We heard them kill Hagrid in his own hut! And he didn't even get to watch today's show of The Price is Right!" McGonagall was not expecting this. It had been a very good show of The Price of Right today! It was not one that she would have wanted Hagrid to miss. She had also thought Hagrid would surely be on their side. But now he was not. Because he was like dead, so he couldn't fight. Or could he? Dun…dun…dun… No, he really couldn't. He was dead.

They continued down the stairway towards the Great Hall. When they got to the foot of the stairs, McGonagall stopped them.

"We need a plan," she said to them. "We cannot beat them if we just walk in there. Dobby, position yourself and your house-elves around each of the doors and windows. We will walk in there and lure them out. You house-elves can then take them down with waves of arrows. And we need to be quiet. We do not want them to know we are here yet."

"Dobby will not fail the headmistress," obliged Dobby. McGonagall nodded in gratitude. As the house-elves went off to position themselves, McGonagall walked to the other teachers. However, the sound of footsteps and armor stopped her cold. She turned around and looked towards the stairs.

"Good evening, Minerva," said a deep voice. "Seems to be a good night for a battle…or a massacre."

McGonagall was shocked! She had not been expecting this! There were now a few hundred Death Eaters along the stairway. Among them was none other than Severus Snape, an ex-teacher of Hogwarts. Swond unsheathed, he approached her and her army. However, as he was walking down the stairs, he slipped and fell. Everyone watched as he rolled down the stairs and came to a stop in front of McGonagall. Snape picked himself up and dusted off his armor.

"Not plotting against us with your pathetic little house-elves, were you?" he leered at McGonagall. "Why don't we let them back in here." With that, he nodded at the doors to the Great Hall. Many more Death Eaters came out of these doors escorting the house-elves back into the entrance hall with the rest of the small Hogwarts-army. "Why don't we walk outside?" he suggested gingerly to them all.

"How could you, Severus?" McGonagall asked him in an angry voice.

"How could I what?" asked Snape bemusedly.

"How could you put black curtains up inside the Great Hall?! You know I hate black curtains!!" Snape smiled at her.

"Yes, Minerva, exactly," he said scathingly. "I _do_ know. Hahaha! Now walk outside!" He nudged McGonagall with his swond in her back. She moved forward and so did the rest of the Hogwarts-army. The other Death Eaters walked behind the house-elves with their swonds drawn and ready. They all walked out through the big, blown-up oak front doors and onto the castle grounds. The sun was now setting, as night approached. Owls hooted and hollered, and monkeys ate bananas. It was definitely turning into nighttime. The Death Eaters moved the Hogwarts-army out farther onto the castle grounds, halfway between the castle and the Dark Forest. The rest of the Death Eaters were already there waiting for them, as were the spiders, blast-ended skrewts, giants, and the Whomping Willow. McGonagall stopped. So did everyone else. She turned towards Snape.

"Are you going to kill us all, then?" she asked him with no traces of fear in her cold eyes.

"Yes, Minerva," replied Snape in a calm tone. "Yes, we are. Unless you surrender and decide to fight for the Dark Lord." He looked at McGonagall but she said nothing. She was not going to fight for Lord Voldemort! "No?" Snape asked her coolly. He resheathed his swond and walked over to the Death Eaters behind the house-elves. "Very well. Kill them," he said to them. The Death Eaters moved in closer and got ready to kill all of the Hogwarts-army. McGonagall was stunned and couldn't even regain her composure enough to take her own wand out. She just stood there, frozen. She did not know what to do.

Just then, a sound came from the Dark Forest. Everyone turned to see what the commotion was. About 50 teenage-looking persons ran out of the forest flailing their arms and yelling loudly. They all appeared to be wearing uniforms of some sort. Perhaps baseball uniforms? They ran into the middle of the scene. The lead person spoke to the Death Eater army.

"We are the bat boys!" he spat. "Feel our wrath!!" He looked at his comrades and raised his arm. They all cheered. Then Lucius walked to this lead boy.

"Wait, who are you?" The lead boy spoke again.

"We are the bat boys. We are the bat boys from every team in the Major Leagues!!"

"And what exactly will you be _doing_ to us?"

"We will, uh, we will…we will pick up your bats?" Lucius looked at him.

"We don't have any bats." The lead bat boy was confused. He did not know what to say to that.

"Well then," the lead bat boy sputtered. "We will throw our bats at you!!" And with that, he turned again to his comrades and raised his arm. "Fellow bat boys! Throw your bats…at those guys!!" He pointed to the evil army behind Lucius and Snape. The rest of the bat boys cheered and reached into their baseball equipment bags that somehow just magically appeared there. They each pulled out some bats that they would be throwing at the Death Eaters. But before they could throw their bats, someone else came into the scene.

"Did someone say 'throw your bats'?" It was Roger Clemens and he looked excited to be throwing a bat. The lead bat boy nodded.

"Yes, sir, Mr. Clemens. I did tell them to throw their bats." Roger Clemens was ecstatic! He loooved throwing bats at people. He picked up a bat and tossed it to the side. However, Mike Piazza was running by Roger Clemens and almost got hit by the bat that Roger Clemens had just thrown. Mike turned and ran at Roger.

"How could you throw that bat at me??!" he asked outraged as he started pelting Roger Clemens in the stomach with his fists. Roger bent down and tried to avoid getting punched.

"I wasn't throwing the bat at you!" he called out to Mike Piazza. "I was tossing it off the field so that it was out of the way!" Mike and Roger kept fighting and all of the other characters just watched. Snape walked up to the fighting Major League baseball players. With one swift flick of his swond, both players shot off each other and sat on the ground with rope tied around them and tape over their mouths.

"That's better, isn't it?" Snape asked. Everyone agreed that it was because it was not cool watching two Major League baseball players fight each other. Snape resheathed his swond a second time. "Now let's get on with the execution. I have other things I need to be doing, like waxing my eyebrows." The Death Eaters again stepped closer to the Hogwarts-army.

However, another sound sounded. Except this time, it came from the vicinity of Hagrid's hut.

"Oh what now?" sighed Snape impatiently. He looked over at where the sound had come from. Hagrid had emerged from his hut and he was livid! He and Fang were giving war cries. Then they both ran at the Death Eater-and-Company army. "Damn him!" called out Snape. "Damn that man!" The other Death Eaters trembled a little because Hagrid's crazy-running was a little scary. Golgomath was not scared though. He was happy to see Hagrid alive.

"Golgomath kill Hagrid!" he yelled out as he ran at Hagrid.

"Yes," replied Snape. "Yes, you do that, and we will get on with the massacre." The momentary fear in the eyes of the Death Eaters, however, had given the Hogwarts-army a little booster. McGonagall had taken out her sword. She was not going to go out without a fight. All the others in her company did likewise. Professor Trelawney took out her spear. Firenze took out his bow and a couple of arrows and aimed at the Death Eaters close to him. Dobby and his house-elf army took out their Quintana-blades. Slughorn drank some brandy. Madam Hooch blew her whistle and beckoned the team captains to her side. McGonagall and Snape moved in towards her.

"Now I want a clean battle…from all of you!" she said to both armies. Snape looked at the ground, and Lucius rolled his eyes. "Now shake hands!" McGonagall and Snape shook hands.

"Your army will fall, Minerva," Snape leered at her.

"That may be, but I would rather be killed than have to walk this earth with your ugly face." Snape was not too happy with this insult, not too happy at all. McGonagall was pleasantly thrilled by it. They let go of each other's hands and the whistle was blown a second time, signaling the start of the battle. Death Eaters started shooting out curses from their swonds and the Hogwarts-army people dodged the curses and started attacking people. Firenze shot a couple of arrows into a Death Eater's anus. Boy was that Death Eater in a heap of pain! McGonagall dodged under a hex from Lucius Malfoy's swond. She got to her feet and threw her sword at him. It missed but hit the Death Eater behind him.

"Damn," bellowed that Death Eater as he fell to the ground and bloodied the soil. McGonagall looked off in the distance to where a couple of giants were picking up bat boys and throwing them! She took out her dagger and threw it. It soared through the air and hit one of the giants in the face just above his left eye. That giant started pawing his face and fell to the ground. Then McGonagall took out her spear and threw it. This one hit the other giant in the throat. Blood started shooting out of his neck and he too fell to the ground. McGonagall smiled and looked for someone else to fight.

Professor Trelawney had taken out her sword now and was fighting people with it. She got into a sword-swond fight with a couple of Death Eaters. She spun away from one and did a 180-turn. She sliced that Death Eater's legs behind the knee caps and he fell to his knees. She turned to the other Death Eater and sliced his right arm off. He looked at his bloody stub and lunged at Trelawney with his swond. She dodged his lunge and plunged her sword into his chest. The Death Eater was deathed.

Snape was taking out house-elves. He used his swond like a fly swatter and swatted down house-elves. He was killing quite a few this way.

Dobby was taking out Death Eaters. He cut one Death Eater across his right leg. The Death Eater fell to his knees. Dobby then slit his throat. Blood stained his Quintana and started oozing from the slit-throat. A blast-ended skrewt then jumped on Dobby. Dobby fell on the ground and rolled over. He jumped up to his feet. The blast-ended skrewt reared its tail menacingly. Dobby threw his Quintana at the skrewt and hit it between its eyes. The skrewt blinked and shook its head. It wasn't happy. It charged at Dobby. Dobby stood there ready to take the charge, but the skrewt never hit him. Dobby opened his eyes and looked in front of him. The skrewt was gone! He looked for it but couldn't see it, and then he heard a screech in the air and the skrewt fell to the ground, deaded. Dobby looked up and saw an amazing sight: hippogriffs! Thirty hippogriffs had come and they started taking out the blast-ended skrewts. Then thestrals came and started taking out the spiders! Spider and blast-ended skrewt bodies started dropping from the sky, oozing black blood onto the castle grounds.

Back in the fray, Professor Binns was lecturing three Death Eaters about the Goblin Rebellions. The Death Eaters were falling asleep.

"I must stay awake," replied one of the Death Eaters. "Or I will miss something important…and…fail…the…ex-…..am." He fell asleep and so did the others. But Professor Binns kept on lecturing, putting more and more Death Eaters to sleep.

Madam Pince was putting books away and telling Death Eaters to keep it down. She could not believe how loud they were being! I mean, didn't they have any common courtesy?? They weren't the only ones on the battle field! Professor Flitwick was still pretty small. He was shooting charms that made the Death Eaters levitate. He was quite good at it. He also mastered the Summoning Charm and summoned boxes to put the levitated Death Eaters into. He had a charm called _FOLD-EEEO_! that folded the Death Eaters neatly so he could pile them into the box for the Salvation Army. The children would have a good Christmas this year!

Madam Hooch was circling around the battle field calling out fouls when she saw them. She awarded the Hogwarts-army countless penalty killings. It was pretty cool. A lot of Death Eaters were killed that way: like three and a half.

Sir Nearly Headless Nick and all of the other ghosts couldn't really help the Hogwarts-army. So they just sat and watched, waiting and hoping that McGonagall would call a timeout and put them in for the starters. However, not all of the ghosts were useless: there were still Moaning Myrtle and Peeves. Peeves the Poltergeist had dung bombs that he was launching at Death Eaters. The dung bombs made them smell bad. This made it so that the Death Eaters couldn't get dates and had to go to restaurants alone. Boy was it embarrassing! Peeves would also throw water balloons at both good and bad guys. Both the good and bad guys would stop what they were doing to shake their fist at Peeves after they were pelted by one of these balloons. Moaning Myrtle was loud and annoying. She was complaining to one of the Death Eaters about how no one cared about her, and how no one liked her. The Death Eater was not too happy about this _Moaning Myrtle_.

"Dear Lord! Why can't she shut up!!" he shouted. He was so taken with anger and frustration at the annoyingness of Moaning Myrtle that he promptly took out his swond and stabbed himself through his heart. Yeah, life sucks when you have to talk to Moaning Myrtle. A couple other Death Eaters did likewise after being talked to by Moaning Myrtle. They would much rather die than have to listen to her horribly whiny and shrill voice. But then again, wouldn't anybody??

Mr. Filch was patrolling the battle with his cat and would sometimes catch the Death Eaters doing something bad.

"Caught in the act," he would tell them. "I will have you out of here for sure this time! Damn I wish they would never have banned the old punishments. There was a time when your punishment would find you hanging by your thumbs in the basement. Boy do I miss the screaming."

"Holy crap man!" exclaimed the latest Death Eater he had caught doing something bad (making love to a mailbox). "How old are you?? You gotta be at least a thousand years old to have been alive when those punishments were put into place! I mean, honestly, get with the times! No one does that anymore. You should really go on Medicare. You're _that_ old. Boy, I hope they don't let someone your age fly, or even drive! So, yeah, are you gonna punish me? Or was talking to you about the Old Age punishment enough?" Filch was shocked at this outburst from the Death Eater! He had not expected such a telling off! I mean _him_, Argus Filch, old?? It was ludicrous! It was preposterous! It was simply outrageous! Filch was so angry that he just smiled at the Death Eater. The Death Eater immediately died because no one can withstand an attempted smile from Argus Filch…no one!

On the other side of the battle field, Professor Slughorn was inviting Death Eaters to one of his 'Slug-Club' get-togethers. He invited quite a few Death Eaters and told them how he knew this person's father and that person's brother's aunt's father's physician. He knew quite a few people and the Death Eaters invited to the party just smiled and let Slughorn talk away. They would occasionally talk when Slughorn asked them a question, but other than that it was just Professor Slughorn talking. Lucius, however, was not impressed with this party because _he_ had not been invited. He barged into the party and proceeded directly to Slughorn. He walked right up to the jolly fat teacher.

"Why wasn't I invited, old man?" he asked reproachfully. Slughorn gave a start and spat out his wine. He had not been expecting this outburst from this cruel Death Eater person thing. An answer could not come quickly enough to him.

"Is it because I am too intimidating?" Lucius asked. "Am I too good looking for you? Is that it?" Slughorn shook his head slowly. He did not think too highly of Lucius's appearance.

"It's your hair," he told Lucius Malfoy.

"My hair??" spat Lucius. "What's wrong with it?? Is it too awesome and amazing for you to handle?" Again Slughorn shook his head.

"No," he replied. "It's too long and…and blond. It looks like girly hair to me." Lucius's eyes become quite large and bloodshot. He was a little peeved, to say the least. How could anyone insult his hair? How could anyone be that…that ignorant of true amazinglyness?? Lucius just stood there with his mouth wide open and his eyes reddening further and further. Slughorn busied himself with drinking some more of his wine. He liked wine, but not as much as he liked the St. Louis Cardinals. He thought that the Cardinals were the best team in baseball. Yes, that is what he thought alright. He was a true Redbirds fan. He even knew that St. Louis was in Missouri!! I mean that's impressive!

Back to Lucius, though. Lucius thought and thought of a retaliatory remark and finally thought of one:

"Yeah, well you're fat!" he shot out at Slughorn. Slughorn laughed into his wine glass.

"Hahahahahaha, yeah I am!" he mused with Lucius. "But at least I don't have girly long, blond hair! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Lucius was disappointed. He felt bad now about his long and blond hair. He was feeling a little insecure of his appearance for the first time in his long and girly-hair-ing life.

"I can cut it off," he offered to Slughorn.

"Eh, I would still see you as the guy who had formerly had long, blond girly hair and who had thought it was amazing and cool. I am sorry, Lucius Man Girl, but I cannot invite such a girly man to my parties. I am afraid I am going to have to call security on you and you will be escorted out of here and everyone will see it and it will be very, very embarrassing! Bwahahahaha!! SECURITY!! ESCORT THIS MAN OUTTA HERE!!" A man came over dressed in a security uniform. He grabbed a hold of Lucius's right arm.

"I am going to need to see your wand, Mr. Malfoy sir," he said to Lucius. Lucius obliged and gave the man his swond. The man took the swond and examined it. And then he stuck it up some random goblin's ass. The goblin turned and looked at the man.

"Oh, Norbert!" he said bemusedly. "You rascal, you! I'll get by you one of these days!" The goblin laughed and so did Norbert and all of the Death Eaters, Slughorn, and even Lucius. Other security guards came and took the goblin away. Then Norbert remembered the swond. He ran up to the goblin and jerked the swond out of the goblin's ass. Again everyone laughed, even the goblin, as blood squirted from his ass where the swond's blade had cut into the ass-flesh. Jolly good times! Norbert returned Lucius his swond, slapped him across the face for absolutely no reason at all, and walked him out of the Slughorn-party and into the battle field.

"Now go run along and fight," Norbert said to Lucius.

"Yes, sir," Lucius said reluctantly.

"And play nicely, son," commanded Norbert condescendingly. "Or I will have to put you in timeout."

"Yes, sir," replied Lucius a little more grumpily. He ran off and started killing random house-elves.

Hagrid and Golgomath were both pretty bloody from their battle. They had been boxing. Golgomath was stronger than Hagrid, but Hagrid had trained hard all summer for this match! He had the will to win! The bell sounded and Hagrid and Golgomath went to their separate corners. Grawp, Hagrid's half-brother, wiped the blood from Hagrid's swollen eyes with a white rag.

"Hit..him…Dodge…his fists," Grawp said to Hagrid.

"Yes, Grawp, that makes sense. I will do that," answered Hagrid. "Yeh're so wise. Yeh're like a large, furry Buddha." Grawp smiled. It was time for the fight to continue. Hagrid approached Golgomath. Golgomath swung his right fist at Hagrid. Hagrid dodged it. Golgomath shot a left hook, and hit Hagrid just under the right eye. Hagrid threw a right punch and landed it on Golgomath's left…kidney. Ummm, Golgomath was still quite a bit larger than Hagrid. Golgomath kicked Hagrid in the face. Hagrid fell to the ground. He spat out blood, but tried to pick himself up. Golgomath walked to Hagrid and bent down. He punched Hagrid hard across the right side of his face. Hagrid fell lower. He pulled himself up on his forearms. Golgomath punched him a second time across his right side. Hagrid's face fell to the ground. Grawp opened his mouth in shock and dropped the white rag. It fell in slow motion to the ground, symbolizing defeat. Hagrid looked up at Golgomath's cold, cruel eyes and remembered seeing his friend Apollo being killed in the ring by Golgomath. That cold laughter filled his head that the steroid-using Golgomath had used when he learned that his punches had killed Apollo. Anger filled up inside of Hagrid. He was not ready to be defeated yet! He twirled around and kicked Golgomath's legs out from under him. Golgomath fell in slow motion to the ground. Hagrid jumped to his feet and pounced on Golgomath. He punched him on the left cheek, on the right cheek, under the right eye, under the right eye, under the right eye, under the left eye, on the left cheek, right cheek, left eye, right cheek, and again under the right eye. Golgomath rolled away from Hagrid to the railings and picked himself up. Hagrid moved over towards Golgomath bouncing on the balls of his feet, ready to win. He punched Golgomath in the stomach once Golgomath turned around to face Hagrid. Golgomath fell forward. Hagrid did a hard left hook across Golgomath's battered under-right eye. Hagrid fired another left hook to the same place, and a right hook to the left eye. Golgomath fell backwards. Hagrid moved with him and punched Golgomath in the kidneys, stomach, ribs, kidneys, stomach, stomach, stomach, kidneys, stomach, ribs. Golgomath fell to his knees. Hagrid threw a left hook and hit Golgomath under his right eye again. A last left hook and right jab to the under-parts of Golgomath's right eye sent the mighty giant-lord onto his back. He lay on his back and did not move. Hagrid bounced on his feet with his fists ready in case Golgomath got up. The referee walked over to Golgomath and bent down. He tapped the ring once…twice……three times! The match was over! Hagrid had won!! Hagrid was overjoyed and so was Grawp! Grawp and Hagrid embraced and threw rags into the air! The match was over, Golgomath had been defeated. Then Hagrid spotted her. A microphone was held by Hagrid's mouth as he yelled out for his girl.

"Adrian!!" he called out. Madam Maxime looked at him in confusion. Who was this woman he was yelling for? Then Hagrid saw her confused expression. "Oh, uh, I meant Olympe. Yeah, that's what I meant to say." Madam Maxime was overcome with joy for Hagrid's victory and quickly forgot Hagrid's slip on her name. She ran to him and embraced him. They kissed. Then Hagrid jumped into the air in joy and the scene stopped with Hagrid in the air mid-leap smiling, with his right fist held high over his head.


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14: More of the Battle of Hogwarts

The battle was not going so well for the Hogwarts-army; house-elves were being killed, the Death Eaters started killing both the hippogriffs and the thestrals, and some other casualties were probably occurring. Golgomath, the Gurg chief (leader of the giants), had been defeated by Hagrid, but there were still a few more giants causing havoc. The Whomping Willow was also doing its part in taking out good guys. And then, of course, there were still close to one thousand Death Eaters doing considerable damage. And though most of the blast-ended skrewts and spiders had been killed by hippogriffs and thestrals, there were still a few that weren't going down without a fight.

"Minerva!" called out Filch as he kicked a spider in the testicles, thereby rendering it useless in battle for some strange reason. "Minerva, we must retreat! We cannot hold these lines! I'm just a squib for crying out loud! Plus, I have this blister on my lip, and I keep touching it with my tongue but that's just making it worse!" McGonagall eyed him wearily again, then stabbed a monkey in the leg and sliced its head off.

"We can't retreat, Argus," she said to him. "They will follow us and just kill us in the castle. We have nowhere to hide. We must see this through, and if we should die, then we will not live!"

"Yes, Minerva," replied Filch. "Death would ensure our not-survival. But My Lord, we are…we're getting slaughtered." Filch pointed to the fray. A house-elf was picked up by a giant and thrown across to another giant. The second giant caught the house-elf, bounced it off the ground, and threw it to a third giant. The third giant ripped the house-elf's arms off and threw it to a fourth giant. The fourth giant let it hit the ground and then squashed it with its massive foot. McGonagall looked away in revulsion. She did not like what she was seeing in this battle. But just then, things got even worse for her army.

A howl came from the Dark Forest and five hundred werewolves ran out of the trees and approached the fray with fangs bared. They were led by Fenrir Greyback. He had escaped Hogwarts the last time he was there at the end of the last school term, and he had massed his werewolf army. Now they were ready to fight for Lord Voldemort and were hungry for blood.

The werewolves reached the fray and jumped in. Greyback took out Professor Talls and bit him on the neck, squirting blood everywhere.

"NOOOO!" yelled McGonagall. "Not Professor Talls!! He was just an extra!! DAMN IT!" She ran at the werewolves, punching two Death Eaters and a spider along the way. She reached them and started fighting them. She shot a nasty curse at one: _IMPLOSION-EEEO_! The werewolf howled in agony and imploded, his guts splashing anyone near his body. Greyback did not like this curse. He jumped onto McGonagall. She fell on her back with Greyback on top of her. But then Filch came over and kicked Greyback off of McGonagall. The head-werewolf hit the ground and bounced back up.

"You will pay for that one!" he barked at Filch. But just then a horn sounded in the distance. Fighting stopped as everyone turned toward the direction the horn came from. The sun had started rising in the same direction. Morning was finally coming, even though it had just been night-time for like a couple of hours. But I am the author and I say morning was starting! A second horn sounded from the same direction and a large army of men on horseback began being visible on the top of a hill. The men of Rohan had arrived totaling six thousand men on horseback. They were the Rohirrim, led by King Theoden. McGonagall pumped her fists in joy at this army that had come to their rescue.

Theoden looked at the army below them. It did not look so bad, they could be defeated. He looked at his men and told the leaders what sides to lead their men to. And then he addressed the entire army.

Eowyn, King Theoden's niece who had ridden into battle disguised as a man of Rohan and somehow been convincing enough that no one knew she was a woman, spoke to the midget who was riding the same horse as she was. Since Merry was dead, she still wanted a little person riding with her, so she had gotten a midget to ride with her into battle.

"Courage, Midget Merry. Courage for our friends." The midget did not like this name because Eowyn started calling him M&M as a nickname.

"Stop calling me that! My name is not Midget Merry! It's Rupert!!"

"Well, would you rather I call you Midgums instead?" she asked him sarcastically. The midget thought a moment and decided he liked this name.

"Yes, yes call me Midgums." And so she did.

"Arise! Arise men of Theoden!" Theoden called out as he rode his horse across the front line to talk to everyone. "Spears shall be broken, shields shall be splintered! A red day, a sore day, ere the sun rises!" He stopped at the left end of the front line, scratched his butt, and looked at the evil army. Then he rode again across the front line, but this time he held out his sword and tapped the metal points of the spears of those in the front line. However, as he did this, he accidentally sliced the points off of these front line spears because he tapped too hard and with the sharp part of his sword. "Ride!" he yelled out. "Ride! Ride now for ruin and the world's ending!!" He stopped tapping (or decapitating) the spear points and instead placed himself in front of the middle part of the front line and held his sword skyward. "Death!!" he called.

"Death!" roared his men.

"Deeaath!" he yelled out a little longer.

"Deeaath!" his men roared back.

One guy yelled out "Life!" but the man next to him punched him in the face.

"It's 'Death', man! Not 'life'! Get it right or we'll have to start over! And I know _I_ wouldn't want that. Would _you_?" The man who had made the mistake shook his head. He definitely would not want to start this scene over again.

"Deeaaath!!" Theoden yelled one last time.

"DEEEAAATH!!" roared his men. Then the men with horns blew on them and the horses started moving forward.

"Forth Eorlingas!" roared Theoden. The horsemen kept calling out "Death" and rode down the hill and into the evil army. The Death Eaters had lined up and were now ready to start taking out the horsemen.

"FIRE!" roared Snape to the Death Eaters. The Death Eaters started shooting out killing curses and a few horsemen fell. "Fire at Will!" Snape said a little nervously since the first wave of curses had not taken out as many horsemen as he had expected them to. The horseman named Will fell but every other horseman kept riding hard into the battle. The Death Eaters started cowering in fear and moved a few paces backwards. And then the horsemen collided with the Death Eaters and starting riding over them.

Theoden rode on through the Death Eaters, slicing whomever he could reach as he rode by. Eomer was using his spear and was killing as many Death Eaters as he could. He killed Death Eater Token Black Guy, and this outraged Snape.

"You killed our token black guy!" he yelled in outrage.

"Sorry," said Eomer. "Just doing what was written of me to do in this book." Snape nodded as he understood.

"Ahh, well if it was written that way, then you can't do anything about it," he replied in acknowledgement of the Code of the Characters in a Book Written By Some Random Guy, The Random Guy Being the Author of the Book and Not the Code. "You can't go against the code." Snape started killing horsemen. He was pretty good at not-dying. It was a gift. It was as if he could not control it. As if some author was not letting other book characters kill him just yet.

Despite the work of Lucius, Snape, and Macnair, the Death Eater numbers started falling; they went from nine hundred fifty to seven hundred. So they started retreating. The Rohirrim started chasing after them and then Theoden called out to them.

"Make safe the city!! I mean the castle! Make safe the _castle_!"

The Rohirrim stopped chasing after the Death Eaters. The ground started shaking. The horses started freaking out. The expressions on the faces of all of the good guys turned from victorious expressions to fear-of-imminent-doom expressions. Theoden was looking on in shock. How could this be? Why now?

"Ummm, Your Highness?" McGonagall asked of him. He looked down at her. "You're not looking the right direction. You are looking at an adult male lion eating a lion cub. We are all looking that way." And she pointed in the opposite direction of where Theoden was looking.

"Ahh, yes," replied Theoden. "I was just testing you. You passed the test. Good job." With that he turned and looked in the correct direction that the commotion was coming from. McGonagall shook her head in disbelief, but then looked on in horror at what was approaching them.

A giant army marched towards the good guys. Led by Lord Voldemort on his black horse, this army consisted of the remaining 74,000 Death Eaters on horseback; several thousand English soldiers with King Longshanks; Captain Barbosa and his crew of miscreants; Godzilla and Grendel; two thousand Greek soldiers; one thousand Uruks from Isengard; 9 Nazgul on dragons; 35,000 orcs from Mordor; Achilles, Patroclus, King Agamemnon, Lurtz, Oxface, Lenny, Alfalfa, Saruman, Grima Wormtongue, and Orcbutt; the Dead Army; and lastly, 260 olephants with 13,000 Southron archers atop. The 700 Death Eaters, 400 werewolves, 8 giants, one Whomping Willow, 10 blast-ended skrewts, and 200 spiders remaining from the early goings of the battle sought refuge behind the olephants but turned around and made ready to charge again once they were safely behind the large elephantine creature thingies.

Filch made his way to McGonagall. "Can we retreat now?" he begged of her. McGonagall looked at him with fear in her eyes.

"No, Argus," she said sullenly. "Our doom will be decided here, now." Argus was afraid of this. He bent down and picked up his trembling and bloody cat, Mrs. Norris. She started purring in his arms.

"It's alright, my sweet," he replied soothingly to the cat. "Soon, this will all be over. And we'll be able to sleep in peace for eternity."

McGonagall watched as tears welled up in her eyes. She was going to have to die with an empty stomach! Her macaroni and cheese was still sitting on her desk in her office! "Damn," she said quietly. "Damn, damn, damn."

Theoden rode to the front of the good guy army. "Reform the line," he said to those around him. "Reform the line!" he yelled out to the rest of the army. The horsemen in the frontline reformed a horizontal line. Theoden pulled out his ruler and ran the length of the front line measuring the straightness of it. "It's still a little bit uneven," he said. "You on the left!" he called out. "Move back three paces!" Those on the left did so and the line was straight. "Good," sounded Theoden. "Sound the charge," he said to Gamling, one of his elite Rohan Guards. Gamling blew on his horn. "Let's meet them head on! Charge!!" yelled out Theoden as he pushed his horse forward. However no one else moved forward. Theoden realized this and stopped. "Why aren't you charging?" he asked of his men.

"Because Gamling blew the 'stay-where-you-are' sound on his horn," replied Eomer to his uncle, who was King Theoden.

"Damn it, Gamling!" yelled Theoden. "I am taking away two gold stars from your grade chart when we get back to Edoras!" Gamling looked down at his feet in sorrow. He had had to work hard for those gold stars! "Now sound the 'charge' horn-sound on your horn…now!" Gamling did so and the army charged along with Theoden.

Lord Voldemort beckoned his Death Eaters forward. "We'll attack them and if the going gets rough, then we can summon in the rest." Bellatrix Lestrange nodded at Lord Voldemort and proceeded to tell the other Death Eaters to attack, whilst everyone else stayed put; there would be no olephants just yet. The Death Eaters on horseback rallied behind Lord Voldemort and rushed toward the Rohirrim. McGonagall had her small Hogwarts-army stay back in case anyone got behind the Rohirrim.

"We will hold our ground here," she said to Professor Trelawney. Professor Trelawney nodded and told all of the others to stay. They did and so they were all given dog treats, which they ate up happily. They all loved dog treats!

The almost six thousand Rohirrim horsemen rode towards the 74,000 Death Eaters on horseback. The Death Eaters likewise rode towards the Rohirrim. Both horse-armies met and several front line horses fell from both sides. Eomer proceeded to slice through Death Eaters with his sword. He rode towards one and slit the horse on the chest. The horse fell face first and the Death Eater flew off the horse. Eomer rode over to the fallen Death Eater and cut his head off. Theoden was also trying to kill Death Eaters. He managed to stab one in the chest, but another shot a spell at Theoden that knocked him off his horse. Theoden picked himself up and got back onto his horse. He rode at another Death Eater and sliced his arm off. However, the Death Eater used his swond and cut Theoden on his left shoulder. Holding his left arm as still as he could, Theoden finished off the armless Death Eater with a jab to the right eye.

Lord Voldemort was quickly and effortlessly taking out Rohan horsemen. He used different curses to torture and mutilate them as he rode by. Any rider that tried to attack Voldemort was killed quickly with the death curse. Lord Voldemort wasted no time in taking out this army. However, just then another horn blew. Lord Voldemort looked up to another hill and saw a shiny person on top of a really white horse. Then this man dropped his robes covering his legs. The shininess disappeared and the form of a wizard on horseback was all that was seen of this man. It was difficult to tell who he was, but McGonagall was not fooled for a second.

"Dumbledore!" she exclaimed.

Looking down at the large forces now assembled on the castle grounds, Dumbledore nodded his head.

"You stand alone, McGonagall Minerva." But then another rider came out from behind Dumbledore.

"Not alone," he said as he took out his wand. "Friends!" Ron, Hermione, Charlie Martin, The Chosen One, Neo, Trinity, and the other Matrix main characters all moved forward on horseback, exposing themselves to the armies below. Dumbledore looked at these people and sighed.

"Yep McGonagall, ya' still stand alone," he said under his breath.

"To the Headmistress!" yelled Harry. The others yelled the same thing and they all rode down the hill towards the evil army. The Uruks from Isengard set themselves up at the foot of the hill with large pikes held firmly to stab the horses. They roared as these new good guy riders approached. Just before they got to the Uruks, Dumbledore raised his robes up revealing his shiny legs. The Uruks were blinded by the brightness and didn't know what to do. This made it easier for Dumbledore's little horse army to ride over the Uruks. Being wizards and witches, Dumbledore, Harry, Ron, Charlie Martin, and Hermione were able to take out Uruks quickly. Dumbledore rode on through uttering some curses that wiped out large numbers of Uruks. Harry, Ron, and Charlie Martin also rode through uttering curses that took out a few but not nearly as many as Dumbledore. And Hermione sported a lavishing red man thong over her clothes. Puzzled Death Eaters did not know whether to attack Hermione when they saw her, or take pictures. This made it easier for her to ride on through them conjuring up yellow canaries and making them attack the puzzled Death Eaters. The Chosen One licked people with his tongue called Tonguey, and this made those who had been licked so horrified that they exploded from shear shock. Neo stopped curses from hitting him by saying 'no' when spells approached him and putting his right hand up to stop them. It worked. And then there were Trinity and the rest of the Matrix people. They were also in this battle.

Lord Voldemort saw Dumbledore and realized how bad this was. He left the fight against the Rohirrim and instead rode towards Dumbledore. He wanted to take care of this pest once and for all. Just then an arrow flew in and hit a Mordorian orc in the face. Blood spouted from the wound, and the orc hit the ground deathedafied. More arrows started coming. More orcs started falling. They started going crazy, not knowing where the arrows were coming from. They did not know where to run either because the arrows were coming from a lot of different places, from all around them. Then a horn blew and two thousand knights and soldiers of Gondor on horseback started riding in from the North, wherever that was. They rode in and the Gondorian archers and rangers kept firing arrows at the enemy ranks. Mordorian orcs and Isengardian Uruk-hai started falling, but no one else. The Gondorians on horseback started riding over the enemy lines. They took out at least two hundred fifty orcs and Uruks total. As they started riding over the enemy, the rest of the enemy army started closing in on them, despite the archers shooting at them from the forest.

Dumbledore, seeing this massive army against them, decided it was time to retreat.

"Retreat!" he called out. "Retreat, foo's! Harry! Get ya' men outta hea'! Retreat back to the castle!!"

Harry nodded and looked towards the rest of the army. "Fall back to the castle!" he called out to them. "Dobby! Fall back to the castle!" Dobby nodded and told his house-elves to fall back to the castle. Everyone started retreating back to the castle: the Rohirrim, seeing every other good guy retreat, likewise started riding back to the castle. Dobby was a house-elf and so wasn't too large. A Death Eater stabbed him on his right side as he ran by. Dobby grimaced in pain, but still managed to use his magic to blow the Death Eater off him. Looking down at his injury, Dobby began to make his way to the castle. However, another Death Eater rode by and stabbed Dobby in the back. Dobby fell to his knees. He looked around at all of the house-elf bodies littered across the ground. Darkness took him, and his eyes glazed over.

Seeing this, Harry shouted out in anguish.

"Dobby!!" he shouted. He ran towards the fallen house-elf. He got to the house-elf just in time to see him die. Harry clutched his little dead friend and was overcome with anger. Hermione came over to Harry and grabbed his arm.

"Come on, Harry!" she pleaded of him. "We must fall back! Dobby is dead! You can't help him now!" She tried to pull him toward the castle, but to no avail. Harry shrugged Hermione off his arm.

"Let go of me, woman!" he scolded of her. "I will avenge him!! I will never surrender! Never!!" Harry ran towards the Death Eaters in a fit of rage. Hermione called after him but to no avail. So instead she found Ron and they both ran towards the castle with the rest of the good guys. Harry punched one Death Eater in the face and told him he was ugly. Then he saw all of the bad guys running at him, said 'oh,' and so he retreated. He caught up with Hermione and Ron and the three of them grabbed their horses and rode into the castle; Charlie Martin rode just behind them. The rangers and other Gondorian archers kept showering the enemy lines with arrows. Faramir was in their ranks, leading the barrage.

"I'm a man," he told the ranger to his right. "And not a hobbit." The ranger nodded.

"Very good, my Lord," he replied to his Captain. "Very good indeed. I do not think I could take orders from a hobbit."

"Yes," said Faramir. "I agree. They're short and don't have much meat on them. Plus, they're short." The ranger looked at him. Faramir looked at the ranger. The ranger looked at Faramir. Faramir looked at the ranger. Then they both shrugged and kept firing arrows at the enemy. However, the olephants turned on them then and started running at them.

"Uh, sir?" asked a terrified ranger. Faramir turned to him. The ranger pointed towards the charging olephants.

"Ahh," replied Faramir. "Good point." All of the archers turned towards Faramir, who in turn looked at them. Sad music was playing for this scene, because it was like sad or whatever. Faramir decided to acknowledge his men now. "It has been my greatest honor…" he started. "Being a Cardinals fan. They have played great together over the years and I will miss watching them play. Now let's meet our makers!" Faramir turned and pointed towards the olephants. "FIRE!!" he bellowed. The rangers and archers of Gondor yelled out "For Gondor!" numerous times and fired arrows at the olephants. Only three of the olephants were killed. But all of the archers, including Faramir, were slain.

Lord Voldemort overtook Dumbledore. The two powerful wizards on horseback looked at each other.

"You're black," acknowledged Lord Voldemort of Dumbledore.

"And you's ugly," replied Dumbledore.

The two wizards looked at each other.

"I can't let you leave, Dumbledore," Lord Voldemort said.

"And also with you," responded Dumbledore.

"What??" asked a confused Lord Voldemort.

"Ya' heard me," answered Dumbledore. Voldemort raised his eyebrows and scratched his head, but said nothing. Bellatrix Lestrange, Lucius Malfoy, and Severus Snape all joined Voldemort's side.

"Do nothing," commanded Voldemort. "He's mine to finish." Snape looked at Dumbledore. He was confused. He also had greasy hair. McDonald's liked to get their grease supplies from Snape's hair.

"But you're dead!" admonished Snape to Dumbledore. "I killed you!!" Dumbledore laughed.

"Ya' mustn't a killed me enough!" he mused.

"But I death cursed you! And only Potter has ever survived a death-cursing!" Dumbledore laughed again.

"Listen, foo'," he said to Snape. "I isn't dead no more. I is come back, until my task is complete."

"And I will not be allowing that task to be completed, old man," interrupted Voldemort.

"Shut up, honkey!" Dumbledore scorned of Voldemort.

"Honkey??!" demanded an outraged Voldemort. "That's LORD Honkey to you!" Dumbledore laughed. He liked to laugh. That's how he rolled.

"Ahh, Tom," he said to Voldemort. "You is uglier than you is stupid, and that's sayin' a lot, cuz you is pretty dumb." Voldemort did not like being talked to this way. I mean wasn't he the most feared wizard of all time?? And here was this old wizard talking down to him! That just wasn't kosher.

"I isn't dumb!" he yelled out. Then he thought a moment about what he had just said. "I mean I'm not dumb!" Voldemort was a little embarrassed but he unsheathed his swond anyway. Then he pulled out a rubber glove and slapped Dumbledore across the face. "I challenge you to duel," he said to Dumbledore. Dumbledore recoiled from the slap, but then he saw a metallic gauntlet, or armored glove for the hand. He picked it up and slapped Voldemort hard with it across his face.

"I accept," he accepted. Voldemort felt his jaw and massaged it.

"Then let us duel!" he wagered. Dumbledore just laughed and took out his wand. His wand was purely white and looked like a miniature Gandalf-staff. The two wizards dismounted from their horses, held their wand and swond to their faces, bowed to each other, turned, and took ten paces away from each other. Then they turned towards one another and raised their magical weapon thingies.

Dumbledore quickly thought of a brilliant jinx for Voldemort.

"_RETARDED-EEEO_!" he hollered. And before Voldemort could even react, the jinx hit him in the chest and he became retarded. Dumbledore lowered his wand, whistled for his horse, got onto it, and rode away towards the castle. Bellatrix ran towards her master and shouted out in anger. Lord Voldemort was now retarded and was drooling and had a glazed look in his eyes. Snape came over to them and took out his swond.

"_NOT-RETARDED-EEEO_!" he shouted at the Dark Lord. A blue light zoomed from his swond and hit Voldemort in the chest. Immediately, Voldemort became his normal self again. He looked around with a fiery expression in his red eyes.

"Where is he?" he growled. Bellatrix and Severus both pointed in the direction where Dumbledore had ridden off to. However, Dumbledore was long gone now since his horse was fairly quick of feet. Voldemort was not happy by this news. "NOOOO!" he yelled out in anger, clearly angry.

Dumbledore rode his white horse into the castle. The rest of the good guys who had successfully retreated were already in the castle or pretty close to it. Dumbledore got off his horse and was met by McGonagall.

"Albus!" she exclaimed. "You're alive!"

"Yea', yea'!" replied Dumbledore. "Is everyone hea'?" he asked her. She looked around the ranks.

"I believe so, Albus. What are we going to do now?" Dumbledore looked around the ranks and then looked out where the enemy was approaching.

"We is gonna apparate," he said to her.

"All of us?" asked a tense Minerva McGonagall.

"Yea', yea'!"

"Is that possible?"

"Yea', foo'," replied Dumbledore. "I says it is, so it is." Dumbledore pulled out his wand and beckoned all of the good guys to him. "We is apparatin' to the Burrow!" he hollered to the good guys. "Le's go!"

"But sir," shimmied Firenze the centaur. "Not all of us can apparate, or even have magic to apparate." Dumbledore thought about this. This was true, the Rohirrim and Gondor people weren't magical. They would not be able to aparate, nor were there enough other magical good guys to help the non-magical ones aparate. Then Dumbledore thought of something brilliant.

"Then we'll use this castle as a port key," he said to them all. "Everyone! Grab a hold of the castle!! On the counta' three we'll port-keyify to the Burrow in the castle!" Everyone nodded, even if they didn't know what the heck he was talking about, and took a hold of the castle. Dumbledore did some sort of silent enchantment that turned the castle into a port-key. "One!" he shouted after he had completed the quick enchantment. "Two!…Three!!" The castle disappeared suddenly and the evil army was left alone on the castle grounds with no Hogwarts castle. Voldemort saw this and was not pleased.

"NOOOOO!" he shouted in anger again. Snape rode up to Lord Voldemort.

"We will find them, my Lord," he said to Voldemort. The Dark Lord turned and slapped Snape.

"Well you better do something!" He rode off with his horse away from Snape, who just looked hurt by the slap.

The castle landed roughly on the Burrow grounds. Mrs. Weasley ran outside to greet them. But then she became angry with them.

"You can't park that thing there!" she shouted at them. "That parking spot is for handicapped castles only!" Dumbledore exited the castle and saw that they were in a handicapped-castle parking space.

"My bad," he said to her. He went into the castle and turned on the engine. Then he backed up the castle and parked it in a normal-castle parking space. Once the castle was parked, the good guys all got out of the castle and greeted Mrs. Weasley. McGonagall and Mrs. Weasley embraced.

"It's good to see you again, Minerva!" Mrs. Weasley said to McGonagall. McGonagall smiled at Mrs. Weasley.

"It's good to see you too, Wafoofie!" They both laughed. Good times! Oh that Minerva, calling Mrs. Weasley Wafoofie. Hahaha, good times. Good times. All of the good guys came out of the castle and embraced the members of the Order of the Phoenix, who had come out of the Burrow. These good guy-leftovers included 3,000 of the Rohirrim; the two thousand Gondor knights and soldiers on horseback; Harry and his friends; Neo, Trinity, the other Matrix personnel; The Chosen One; McGonagall and most of the Hogwarts' teachers and ghosts; 15 hippogriffs; 10 thestrals; Grawp; 10 of the batboys; and about 400 house-elves.

Mrs. Weasley embraced Ron, Hermione, and Harry. Then Harry went over to Dumbledore.

"We must go and take out the horcruxes," he said to Dumbledore.

"Yea', foo'," Dumbledore replied. "I knows that." Hermione and Ron came over to Harry and Dumbledore. Ginny came out of the Burrow and embraced Harry. Harry let her because he was nice like that. Everyone enjoyed all of the company. They partied and had good times the next two days. Harry and company would start worrying about Voldemort in like three days, because that comes after two and they were partying for two days. For now, it was party time!! And so they did, so they did…


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15: Snape is Ugly

Three days after reaching the Burrow after the big retreat of the Battle of Hogwarts, Harry awoke with a start. He looked around to see what had woken him. Ron had just given a particularly loud snore, but that couldn't have been the reason for his waking up. He looked further around the room and saw in the doorway what had woken him up: Hagrid. Hagrid had just thrown a tomato at Harry's head, and that thrown tomato had caused Harry to awake from the wonderful dream he had been having where many hot girls in bikinis were washing his Firebolt.

"Oy!" called out Hagrid. "You awake there, Harry?"

"Blimey," splooshed Harry massaging his forehead. "I suppose I am now. What is it?"

Hagrid motioned for Harry to come with him. Maneuvering himself through the many beds that were now in Ron's room, Harry managed to get to the doorway without waking anybody.

"I've got somethin' to show yeh," said Hagrid in an eager voice. "Follow me." Harry followed Hagrid down the four flights of stairs and into the entrance room. Then Hagrid opened the front door and led Harry outside.

"Why are we going outside?" Harry asked reproachfully as he conjured up a coat and some shoes.

"There's somethin' I've gotta show yeh, Harry! I promise yeh won't regret it!" The two characters walked past the ghostbuster cars, past the parked castle, and on into the trees behind the Burrow. Once in the forest, a loud roar could be heard in the distance. Harry gulped and mechanically reached his hand for his wand. After a further ten minutes of walking, they finally got to where Hagrid wanted to take them. Hagrid stopped suddenly and bent low towards Harry.

"Now be careful what yer say now," he warned Harry. "Don't screw this up for me…for us…for the Order." He gave Harry a serious look.

"I won't!" Harry protested. He would never dream of messing something up that could prove useful for the Order! Afterall, Harry needed the Order to keep Voldemort occupied whilst he looked for the remaining three, possibly four, horcruxes. What good would it do him if he thwarted any extra help the Order could use to do just that??

"Good," smiled Hagrid. "Good. Now follow me." Hagrid walked through the brush, and Harry followed him. They came into a clearing. However, they weren't alone in this clearing. There were things there too. They looked like horses, with a horn on their heads.

"Aren't they beau'iful?" asked Hagrid with tears in his eyes. Harry thought a minute and proved successful: he had a thought!

"Are these…are these unicorns?" he asked Hagrid timidly.

"Aye they are," answered Hagrid. "The same unicorns tha' lived in the Dark Forest back at Hogwarts. They said that the Death Eaters started burning the forest down after we used Hogwarts as a portkey to the Burrow. They were killing any creature that did not agree to serve under You Know Who. The unicorn leader, Horny, led his herd outta the forest just in time. They were met by Grawp the day befo' yesterday and he led them here. Now they have agreed to fight for us. Isn't that simply marvelous, Harry??!" Hagrid asked Harry happily.

"Yes," muttered Harry. "Grand." There was a moment's pause, then Harry gathered himself up again. "You led me all the way out here just to see some horses with horns on their heads?!?!" he asked Hagrid viciously.

"Err," sputtered Hagrid, who was at a loss for what to say to this outburst.

"Hot girls in bikinis were washing my Firebolt!!" Harry spat. "Hot..girls…Firebolt…washing…bikinis!!" he roared in rage, flailing his arms.

The unicorns, who had been grazing peacefully, looked up at this raucous. They did not like raised voices. Horny strode over to them.

"If you two don't mind," he said in clear and brilliant English. "We are trying to graze peacefully over there." He motioned with his head where they were grazing 'peacefully.'

"Righ'," replied Hagrid apologetically. "We mean' no offense."

Harry started swearing loudly because he was clearly angry with not being allowed to finish his awesome dream.

"Loud noises!!" bellowed Horny, who was angry now too.

"Harry," Hagrid pleaded. "Shut yeh fucking face, yeh big pile of cheese shit!!" Both Harry and Horny stopped yelling. They both looked at Hagrid. Then they looked at each other. Then they looked at Hagrid, then at each other, and finally back at Hagrid.

"Cheese shit??" Harry asked laughing. "_Cheese_ shit?" Both he and Horny started laughing loudly. Hagrid was a little slow on the uptake, but then he started laughing too. The three of them laughed for a good twenty minutes before Harry and Hagrid finally decided it was time to head back to the Burrow. They said their 'goodbyes' to Horny and his herd of unicorns, and they sped off towards the home of the Weasleys'. Harry walked fast.

"If I hurry, perhaps I can still get a few minutes of sleep and can see those hot girls in bikinis wash my Firebolt some more," he wagered. Hagrid just shook his head.

"Let it go, Harry," he said in a serious voice. "It's over. They're gone." Harry refused to believe that! He just refused to believe that those hot girls wouldn't welcome him back to his unconscience.

"I've got to try, Hagrid!" he pleaded of the half-giant. "Because do you know what happens if I don't take that chance?"

"What?" asked Hagrid roughly.

"Nothin'," responded Harry. Hagrid just looked at Harry and Harry just kept walking as fast as he could.

Fifteen long minutes later, they showed up at the Burrow. Harry hurriedly opened the front doors. "Tyikghhhhhhhhhhhhgbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb788888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888\!" creaked the front door.

Once Harry walked inside, however, everyone else seemed to be up and eating breakfast. Harry walked grudgingly over to the breakfast table and took a seat opposite of Ron and Hermione.

"Why the long face, Harry?" Ron asked inquisitorially of his best-mate. Harry looked across the table at him and then raised an eyebrow.

"I was born that way," he said to Ron. Ron raised his eyebrow now. "When I was born, the doctors tried to pull me out of my mother's womb but I held onto to her insides with my mouth. Naturally, my face lengthened and so I always appear to have a long face." He waited a moment to see what Ron's reaction to this story would be. Ron looked at Harry in disbelief. He was confused. Why would anyone want to stay inside their mother's womb?

"Why did you want to stay in there?" Ron asked Harry. Harry's face reddened a little bit. He was angered that he had to divulge the reason he had wanted to stay inside his mother's womb when he was a wee-baby.

"Because she had cable in there!" he argued to Ron. "AND a hot tub!! A hot tub!! And it was all I could eat, all the time!! That's why, you big idiot!" Ron looked abashed at having asked Harry in the first place. And Harry just sat there fuming. He was angry with Ron at the moment. Hermione chose to end the silence by making out with Ron. This angered Harry even more!

"Stop that nonsense!" he shot at Hermione. She caught the remark and looked annoyed.

"He's my boyfriend, Harry," she said angrily. "I can make out with him whenever I want! That's how I roll!"

Harry made no reply to this last statement by Hermione because she had been right, and Harry knew it. He still sat there glowering at the pair of them. Ron looked a little embarrassed. Hagrid looked at the three of them. He was confused by the whole situation.

"Snape is ugly," he said to them all. They all looked up at him. He looked at them. They looked at him. Then all four of them started laughing and the whole argument was forgotten. They ate their breakfasts happily and talked about the last two days of partying they had just had. Unfortunately, it was Monday and they had to get back to work: killing Lord Voldemort and his horcruxes.

After breakfast, Harry, Ron, and Hermione found Dumbledore and began asking him how they should go about finding and destroying the horcruxes.

"So how do we do it?" Harry asked Dumbledore. Dumbledore thought a moment and stroked his long, white beard. After a few moments, he appeared to have decided on something.

"Well, foo's," he started. "We start by findin' them horcruxes, and then we takes them and then we destroys them." Harry narrowed his eyes.

"And how do we find them, sir?" he asked of the wizard. Dumbledore thought some more and kept stroking his beard.

"Well, foo's," he started again. "We goes to where's they's hidden, take them, and destroy them." Harry again narrowed his eyes.

"Yes, Professor," he said slowly. "But how do we know where to look for them?" Dumbledore thought a moment's more. His white beard was stroked again and again and again until finally, Dumbledore stopped stroking it.

"Firs', we gotta find 'em," he said to the three adolescents and Ginny. "Then, we takes 'em, and then we destroys 'em." He kept on saying this and so finally Harry gave up. Dumbledore had been no help. He had just told Harry what he had already known in the first place. Harry slouched down into an armchair by the Weasley's fireplace.

"Why the long face, Harry?" Lupin asked him. Lupin had just walked over after hearing the conversation between Harry and Dumbledore.

"I was born that way," said Harry. However, just before Harry could tell Lupin the whole story, Ron walked into the scene and grabbed Harry's shoulder.

"Let it go, mate," he said to Harry. Harry acquiesced.

"So," began Lupin. "Are you ready, Harry?" Harry looked into Lupin's eyes and saw his own reflection. He looked away into the fire and said nothing. Understanding the silence, Lupin sat down on the floor next to the chair Harry was sitting in. Ron also sat down close to Harry and Lupin. "You know, the fate of the world depends on you, Harry. Not to put any pressure on you. But if you screw up, everyone is dead, or is in Voldemort's command, which is worse than dead." Harry looked down at his hands. He liked them. They had helped him in many situations.

"So what do I do?" Harry asked Lupin helplessly.

"That's simple, Harry," Lupin replied. "Don't fuck up. Be perfect."

"And what if I can't be perfect?" Harry asked Lupin sorrowfully. "What if I fail?" Lupin looked annoyed.

"Well you better not fucking fail!" Lupin said crossly. "I want to liiive! And you'd better not go screwing that up for me! Because if you do…" And Lupin shook his fist at Harry. Harry understood. He knew what he had to do. He went upstairs and gathered up his things: his knife and two-way mirror from Sirius, his invisibility cloak, his wand, the fake horcrux, his Penis Mightier, some extra underwear, his slippers, his teddy bear, his Cardinals' hat, his tooth brush and toothpaste, his baseball glove, some nail polish, his shaving cream, his swimming trunks, his cell phone, his toy train set, his Hogwarts' Express Lego train, his Playwizard magazines, his purple umbrella, his shower cap, his sled, his skateboard, his golf clubs, his roast beef sandwich, his TI-83 Plus calculator, his Organic Chemistry book to block unfriendly spells because it was that large, and various food things. He also brought some toilet paper. He packed all of these things into his backpack, placed his backpack on his back, and headed back downstairs. He met Ron and Hermione, who had gone and gotten their things together as well. Ginny had also packed. Then Dumbledore met with them.

"Harry," he hollered. "We been summoned to a secret meetin' of the Order in the backyard. Not you, Weasley, Weasley, and Granger. Jus' Potter. Le's go, dude." And with that, Harry left his stuff with Hermione, Ron, and Ginny and let Dumbledore lead him into the backyard. A lot of people had convened for this meeting. Hagrid, Grawp, and Madam Maxime were there. Other people at the meeting included Professor Trelawney, Professor Mediums (who had replaced Professor Talls), Professor Slughorn, Professor Flitwick, Professor McGonagall, Professor Sprout, Firenze, Madam Pomfrey, Madam Hooch, Mr. Filch and his cat Mrs. Norris, Madam Rosmerta, mean old Umbridge, the Minister of Magic (new and former), other members of the Ministry of Magic, Lupin, Tonks, Kingsley Shacklebolt, Mad-eye Moody, Mr. and Mrs. Weasley, Percy Weasley, Fred and George Weasley, Charlie Weasley, Bill and Fleur Weasley, the Energizer Bunny, the Lucky Charms leprechaun, Tony the Tiger, Crocodile Dundee, Roger Clemens, Michael Jordan, Shaquille O'Neal, the ghostbusters, Superman, Batman, Spider-man, Lego-man, King Theoden, Eomer, Eowyn, Midget Merry, and a monkey named Frank.

Rufus Scrimgeour beat a mallet into a podium to signal the silence of everyone in attendance. His secretary then got up and talked to the crowd.

"Secret Meeting of the Good Guys, Monday, July 23rd, 2007. This meeting will now get underway. Minister of Magic, Rufus Scrimgeour presiding. All stand."

Everyone stood. Rufus Scrimgeour walked to the podium.

"I am Rufus Scrimgeour. I am the Minister of Magic. I can do magic. It's what I do. We are here today to talk and stuff…and things. I am the man. Yes, the man. That is what I am. I am the wizard. The wizard man is what I am. Sam I am. But I am not Sam. I am Rufus. Rufus Scrimgeour. I am the Minister of Magic." Rufus stopped talking and took a seat. Everyone followed suit and likewise sat down. Then Dumbledore got up and walked towards the podium. Once he reached it, he looked at Harry.

"Bring forth the ring, Harry," he said to Harry. Harry double-taked. What did Dumbledore mean by this? Harry had no ring!

"Ummmm, sir," he began. "I don't…I don't have a ring, sir." Dumbledore did not know what to say. So he said nothing. Lupin decided to talk to the crowd now. He walked up to the podium, where he relieved Dumbledore from that position at the podium.

"Tough crowd," he said quietly to Dumbledore as he passed him. Then Lupin addressed the crowd gathered here now.

"We are gathered here today not to destroy a ring, but to destroy Lord Voldemort." People gasped at the mention of the name 'Voldemort.' Harry smirked as he saw Ugly Umbridge spit onto the ground in disgust. Lupin was not phased by the sudden murmuring through the crowd. So he continued. "Lord Voldemort has horcruxes, which are pieces of his soul. We must destroy them to destroy the Dark Lord!!" Again a murmur went through the crowd. Umbridge decided to talk. She rose up and bellowed at Lupin.

"That is a lie!" she said scathingly to him. "He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named does not have horcruxes! Only the most powerful and darkest of wizards could have made them. You have no proof of these…horcruxes. Why should we believe you?" She smiled violently at the lack of response from Lupin, so she continued to talk to the crowd. She turned to them as she spoke. "This man," she said whilst pointing to Lupin. "This werewolf would have us believe that You-Know-Who has split his soul and put pieces of it into objects. But he is obviously lying. It is just nonsense that he probably got from that low-life of a Headmaster, Albus Dumbledore. I implore you all not to give in to these lies. They just want to invoke more panic into the public and we have no need for such acts of publicity. Clearly it is just Potter and Dumbledore scheming for more ways to make the Ministry look like fools. Don't believe their lying mouths." She smiled again, though this time at Harry, and then she sat down. Hot rage filled Harry's mind. He would love to do nothing more than to see that foul woman get what was coming to her!

Just then a horn sounded a few feet away. The centaurs had come. They were led by Magorian, a chestnut bodied centaur. He led the army through the meeting. They all came to an abrupt halt right in front of Umbridge. Then they all lowered their spears towards her throat. Bane, a wild-looking black centaur, starting speaking.

"Keep your frog-ish tongue behind your butt-ugly lips, or else I will let these warriors here slice your body into thin slices of meat for sandwiches!"

Umbridge cowered back into her chair, clearly frightened by these fearsome centaurs. With the stupid, ugly, foolish Umbridge silenced, Lupin was allowed to continue at the podium.

"There is proof of the horcruxes that I learned of just last week. Dumbledore says that there are seven total because Lord Voldemort would believe that seven is the most magical number. He, himself, is the seventh and final horcrux, leaving six others. According to Dumbledore, Harry destroyed one his second year, Dumbledore destroyed one last year, and a third that Harry and Dumbledore looked for last year is missing. This leaves four, three if we're lucky, horcruxes to go. This meeting was convened so that we could find out who is willing to go look for and destroy these horcruxes. One of you must do this." Everyone was silent. Then Rufus Scrimgeour decided to speak up.

"One does not destroy _all_ of the horcruxes. They will be scattered all over the country, possibly over all of the world. They will be guarded by more than just men. Evil does not sleep where they are located. Spells, enchantments, body-guards will all guard them. And even if we find and destroy one of them, that would still leave three more. Not with ten-thousand men could you do this. It is folly."

"Have you heard nothing that Lord Lupin has said?!?!" Tonks raged. "The horcruxes must be destroyed!"

"And I suppose you think that you're the one to do it?!" retaliated Roger Clemens.

"And what happens when we fail?" shot Scrimgeour. "What happens when He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named takes back what is his??" Everyone looked at him confusedly.

"Ummm, Mr. Minister," Harry warbled. "The horcruxes already belong to Voldemort. So we can't really lose what we don't have. And he can't take back what he never lost in the first place." There was a silence. No one spoke for at least three long seconds, but then Roger Clemens spoke angrily.

"I will be dead before I see the horcruxes in the hands of a witch!" he raged. Everyone got to their feet and started hollering at everyone else. "Never trust a witch!!" Roger proclaimed. Dumbledore had even got up to yell and argue with Rufus Scrimgeour. Harry didn't know what to do. He could see in his mind Voldemort smiling at the good guys turning on each other. Something had to be done to end Voldemort's evil regime of…evil. Harry stood up.

"I will do it!" he tried to yell over the tumultuous sound of angry voices, but no one heared him. The sound started to die down a little. "I will destroy the horcruxes!" Harry tried again. This time, everyone fell silent and looked towards Harry. Dumbledore raised his eyebrows in sad acceptance of Harry's choice to destroy the horcruxes. "Though, I do not know the way." Dumbledore walked over to Harry and put his hand on Harry's shoulder.

"I will help ya' bear this burden, Harry. As long as it is yo' burden to bear." Then Lupin got up and walked over to Harry.

"If by my life or death, I can protect you," he said. "I will. You have my wand." Dumbledore beamed at Lord Elrond, lord of the elves, who just smirked back to him.

"And you have my crazy, changing hair," declared Tonks as she too meandered over to Harry.

"And my fastball," replied Roger Clemens. Tonks looked away from Roger Clemens. She didn't like him much. Rufus Scrimgeour walked over towards Harry now too.

"You carry the faith of us all, little one," he said to Harry. "If this is indeed the rule of the council, then the Ministry will see it done."

"Hey!" shouted Ron from behind a bush. He ran out and stood by Harry. "Harry isn't going anywhere without me."

"No indeed it is hard to separate you even when he was summoned to a secret meeting and you were not," Lord Elrond said to Ron.

"We're coming too!" piped up Hermione as she and Ginny came out of their hiding place to stand next to Harry. "And you'll have to send us home tied up in a sack to stop us!"

"Anyway," said Ginny. "You need people of intelligence on this sort of mission…quest…thing." Dumbledore raised an eyebrow and opened his mouth but said nothing. Ron looked at his sister.

"That rules you out, Ginn," he said to her. She looked at him and smiled and then realized he had insulted her, so she slapped him hard across his face. Dumbledore stood between them before any more damage could be done to either of them. Kingsley Shacklebolt, Hagrid, Firenze, and Umbridge also joined the ranks of the group. So now they had twelve: Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Dumbledore, Lupin, Tonks, Kingsley Shacklebolt, Hagrid, Roger Clemens, Firenze, and Umbridge. Lord Elrond looked at them all with delight in his eyes. He beamed at them.

"So be it," he said loudly and proudly. "You shall be the Fellowship of the…uh…of the…ummm." He was at a loss for what they were a fellowship for.

"Horcruxes?" asked Tonks.

"No, that's just stupid," answered Elrond.

"Good guys?" asked Roger Clemens.

"Did your mom drop you on your head when you were a kid?!" shot Elrond angrily to that stupid suggestion by Clemens. Roger shut his mouth.

"Ministry of Magic?" asked Umbridge. Elrond was silent. He thought a moment and then seemed to decide on something. He gathered himself up again.

"So be it," he started a second time. "You shall be the Fellowship of the Harry!" Everyone cheered. They were honored to be in such a fellowship.

"Great!" wagered Ginny. "Where we goin'?" Ron slapped her on her left cheek. It was a loud slap. It was a brilliant slap. It hurt.


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16: The Orphanage

Before the Fellowship of the Harry could start its trek for the horcruxes, final respects had to be given to those who had lost their lives at the Battle of Hogwarts. Such casualties included Dobby, six hundred house-elves, three thousand Rohirrim, Faramir, Faramir's rangers, all of the Gondorian archers, forty bat boys, Professor Talls, several thestrals, and several hippogriffs. Everyone gathered around outside the Burrow to honor those who died with one funeral service. An amount of space was cleared and the backyard looked like it did for Fleur and Bill's wedding, with the exception that it was gloomier. White, gloomy flowers were scattered everywhere to show an air of gloominess in the backyard. Picture albums were placed on top of tables, depicting those who had died in their younger days. 'Farewell' signs had been erected to say 'farewell' to the dead people…who had died. Chairs were set up for everyone to sit. They did so, and King Theoden got up and strode to the podium at the front of the congregation. He placed his note cards on the podium and began to talk.

"We gather here today," he started to say as tears welled up on the corners of his eyes. "To honor those who gave their lives at our latest battle. May their spirits be met in the after life with applause and honor and cupcakes (the good kind, not the cheap ones) for their courage and bravery on the battlefield. And may we find peace and solace in the knowledge that they have gone to a better place, where ale costs only a nickel per cup and where hot cheerleaders dance around in skimpy outfits all the time. So let us lift our drinks to their memory!" With that, Theoden nodded to Dumbledore who conjured up drinks for everyone and sent them zooming to each person. With a drink in every person's hand now, Theoden began to talk again. "Hale the honorable dead!" Everyone lifted their drinks skyward, called out 'Hale,' and took a drink. King Theoden stepped down from the podium and took his seat. There was a silence, and then people gave startled cries as several tombs emerged, one for each fallen good guy. The backyard was made into a graveyard. Mrs. Weasley was saddened by the many tombstones bearing different names on them, but was also a little angry.

"So much for our outdoor barbecues!" she said bitterly. Mr. Weasley just smirked and looked down at his hands. He thought a moment on the complaint his wife had just made to him. Then he turned to her, realizing something.

"We never had outdoor barbecues, Molly," he said to her. She gaped at him. Recovering, she replied to his statement.

"And now we'll never get that chance, will we??!" Mr. Weasley just chuckled to himself. _Oh that Molly_, he thought to himself. _Always making a fuss about nothing!! Hahaha, silly girl! _He hugged his wife as she wept silently in his arms because she would never get to have outdoor barbecues in their backyard. The funeral had ended; the Fellowship could be on their way. Harry went over to Dobby's grave, and Dumbledore followed him. They both bent down towards the tombstone which read, "Here lies Dobby the House Elf. He was a house-elf, until the day he died." Harry pulled a flower out of the ground next to him and placed it on the grave.

"I set him free once," he said quietly to Dumbledore. "He was a good house-elf, always did what I asked him to do without asking for anything in return. I will miss him. Voldemort will not miss him, though, because Dobby gave him an enema. Voldemort hates enemas." Dumbledore nodded.

"True dat," he replied to Harry. Then he grabbed Harry's arm and pulled him up. "C'mon, Harry. We gotta split." Harry looked off to the distance and took a great, deep breath.

"I'll go get my things." Harry walked over to the Burrow entrance room and pulled on his traveling cloak and backpack. Ron and Hermione met him in the entrance room. There they put on their own traveling cloaks, pocketed their wands, and put their backpacks on. Harry looked at them.

"Where's Ginny?" he asked them.

"She's dropping the kiddies off at the pool," Ron replied.

"What?!" Harry asked, confused by what Ron had just said. Ron gave Harry a convincing look. Harry understood immediately. "Ooooh," he said. "That's disgusting!"

"Yeah," responded Ron. "She likes to do that. Crazy kid." The three of them just shook their heads and laughed. Oh that Ginny! Always dropping kiddies off at pools!

Ten minutes later, Ginny emerged from upstairs. She had her green traveling cloak on, had a white walking stick in her left hand, and had a leather backpack on her back that sported the logo of her favorite Quiditch team: the Albanian River-monkeys. She liked that team. Their mascot was a monkey…who swam…in rivers? Yes, because that makes perfect sense. Ron gave her a look of disapproval.

"The kiddies dropped off, then?" he asked of her. She looked embarrassedly at Harry, who had busied himself with picking some dirt out of his fingernail.

"Oh yes," she replied shamefaced. "I apologize for the mess I left on your bed." She smiled mischievously at Ron and then bolted out the front door. Ron took a couple moments to think about what had just been said to him and then the light bulb went on in his head.

"Why that bloody bugger!" he fumed. "She knows I hate it when she does that on my bed! And those were my favorite sheets! I loved those ponies!" He looked over at Harry, who had tried unconvincingly to suppress a snort of laughter. Ron looked abashed. "I meant dragons, not ponies. Ponies are weak, and not cool like dragons. I would never sleep with pony-sheets on my bed. Never." Harry gave him a "riiight" look and proceeded to head out of the Burrow.

"We best get moving," he said to Ron and Hermione. "We shouldn't leave the rest of the Fellowship of the..Me waiting." Ron and Hermione agreed and followed Harry out the Burrow's front doors. The rest of the Weasleys and those not going along with the Fellowship were waiting outside for them. Mrs. Weasley hugged them all tightly in turn.

"Do be careful, Harry dear," she said to Harry.

"I will," answered Harry. He shook hands with Mr. Weasley.

"We'll see you soon, Harry," he said happily to Harry. Harry nodded. He did not know if they would be seeing each other again at all. Harry knew he had to destroy the horcruxes and Voldemort. Any of those could quite possibly take his life. He shuddered to think what dying must be like. After saying good-bye to all of the Weasleys, Harry walked up to Dumbledore's side. Dumbledore waved at the people not in the Fellowship and made a swift movement with his wand. Twelve brooms appeared in front of everyone in the Fellowship. Harry's Firebolt hovered in front of him, waiting for him to get on top of it to fly. Harry mounted his broom and everyone else mounted their brooms. They all kicked off the ground hard and hovered for a moment for last minute wave-good-byes. Then they flew high into the air, with the gentle breeze caressing their necks. Harry felt so alive in the air. He loved to fly. Dumbledore looked at Harry now seriously. Then he looked around the ranks.

"We appear to be three short," he said worriedly. "We best fly down an' see if theys still down thea'." Everyone flew back down to the ground. There they found Firenze, Hagrid, and Roger Clemens still on the ground. None of them had even attempted to get onto their broomsticks.

"What's wrong?" Harry asked them. Firenze looked at Hagrid and then decided to speak up first.

"I'm a centaur," he said in a matter-of-factly sort of tone. Harry stared blankly at him. After about a minute of silence, Harry spoke.

"And?" he asked of the centaur. Firenze was shocked at Harry's ignorance! He was appalled! How could Harry be this thick?!

"Centaurs can't ride brooms, you imbecile!" he neighed at Harry. Harry looked down at his feet, because he finally understood what Firenze had been trying to say. Dumbledore walked over to Firenze and pulled out a ruler. He measured Firenze's legs, both front and back. Then he measured Firenze's tail and hoof-width. He measured the stomach width of the centaur, and the size of his neck. Believing that Dumbledore probably knew what he was doing, Harry did not ask questions. Neither did anyone else in the Fellowship or not in the Fellowship. After Dumbledore had gotten all of the measurements and had written them all down, he took his half-moon spectacles off and massaged his temples.

"I need some time to figure out the calculations," he said to them all. Harry nodded. Firenze was puzzled but said nothing. No one else said or did anything except nod their heads. Dumbledore walked into the Burrow. Ten minutes later, he came out of the Burrow. He had a small booklet of what appeared to be calculations. He looked at Harry and Firenze, since they were the ones closest to him.

"Apparently my calculations show that Firenze is indeed a centaur." Everyone stared at him blankly. Believing this to be looks of incomprehension, Dumbledore continued. "He is half horse, and half man." Again he got blank looks. "His head is a man's head, and his torso is that of a horse. So, obviously, he cannot ride on a broomstick. Instead, I will transform his broom into something a little more useful." With that, Dumbledore grabbed Firenze's broomstick and placed it in front of himself. He took out his wand and made a complicated-looking series of wand movements. Immediately, the broom began to change form. It turned into…a flying carriage. The carriage was very nicely assembled. Its doors were made of rich mahogany. The wheels were rounded. There appeared to be some sort of harness at the front of the carriage. A large seat sat where obviously someone was supposed to hold the reigns of the harness and direct the flying of the carriage. The inside of the carriage was nice and roomy. There were benches on either side that were both made comfortably of some red satin cloth. The benches were very comfy. There was a television above the bench farthest away from the harness area. The door to the carriage had a three-foot long rounded glass window. There was another window above the bench closest to the carriage driver so the traveler could talk to the driver. There was even a bathroom inside the carriage. Dumbledore stood back and admired his handiwork. He liked what he saw. He walked over to Firenze and pulled him towards the carriage. Once at the carriage, Dumbledore proceeded to put the harness on the centaur. Firenze was taken aback.

"Am I supposed to pull this thing?!" he asked outraged.

"Yea' yea'!" exclaimed Dumbledore.

"On the ground?" Dumbledore eyed him curiously.

"No, foo', in the air." Firenze was speechless.

"I still can't fly, you moron!" he roared at Dumbledore. However, Dumbledore did not mind the telling off. He instead just reached inside his robes and took out a can of some sort of drink.

"Drink this, honkey," he said to Firenze.

"What's this?" asked Firenze. "And why should I drink it?"

"Tis Red Bull energy drink, my good man," Dumbledore explained. "And you's gonna drink it 'cuz Red Bull gives you wings!" Firenze raised an eyebrow. But he downed the can anyway. For a couple minutes, nothing happened. Then all of a sudden, something started to emege from Firenze's flanks. It was a wing! On both flanks! The Red Bull had actually given him wings! Those commercials were right all along. How about that. Firenze stretched out his wings and flexed them. He flapped them a couple times and then seemed satisfied.

"Good call, old man," he said to Dumbledore. Dumbledore just smiled at him. Then he walked over to Hagrid.

"You's gonna sit up there and direct Firenze, yo'," he said to the half-giant whist pointing to the large seat that the reigns led to. Hagrid's mouth fell open. He had always wanted to captain a horse-drawn carriage! And now he was finally getting his chance!

"Than's," he replied. That still left Roger Clemens. Dumbledore walked over to him and slapped him across his face.

"That still leaves you," he said to Roger. "Since ya' don' know how to ride a broomstick, it seems pretty obvious what ya're gonna do." Roger's eyes widened, and he bolted into the carriage and took a seat on the bench closer to Hagrid. Dumbledore walked over to him. "Foo', what you think you doin'?" he asked the pitcher disapprovingly.

"Well, I thought you said that since I don't know how to ride a broom, it was obvious that I would be riding in the carriage," Roger answered. "Isn't that the plan?" Dumbledore just shook his head in astonishment.

"No, foo'," he said. "Tha's the dumbest thing I ever heard. No, honkey, ya're gonna learn to fly on my broom and I's gonna ride in the carriage." He shook his head again as he mocked Roger's 'dumb' response about riding in the carriage.

"Oh," replied Roger a bit downcast. "Well I guess I could always learn how to fly, then." He tried to smile, but instead just vomited on the ground. Dumbledore made the vomit disappear with a swift movement of his wand.

"You's sho' gonna learn, foo'," he replied to Roger.

The rest of the day was spent teaching Roger Clemens how to fly on a broomstick. Everyone took turns trying to teach him. Finally, after several hours, Roger could stay in the air for at least a couple minutes.

"That'll do, yo'," Dumbledore said to Roger. "We's better be off now." With that, Dumbledore entered the carriage and took a seat on the bench farthest away from Hagrid and Firenze. He tossed Hagrid another Red Bull and motioned for him to give it to Firenze. Hagrid handed the Red Bull to Firenze, and the centaur downed it quickly. His wings stayed long and strong. Roger mounted his broom. Hagrid took a seat on the captain-chair of the carriage. Firenze reared back, ready to take off. Harry and the rest of the Fellowship mounted their brooms as well. Everyone waved good-bye to everyone left at the Burrow and then took off into the night air. Dumbledore beckoned Harry to the window of the carriage. Harry flew over to him.

"We need to fin' those horcruxes, yo," Dumbledore said to Harry.

"Yes," agreed Harry. "But where do we start, sir?" Dumbledore thought a moment, and again stroked his white beard.

"I gots it!" he declared at last. "We'll start at the orphanage Tom grew up in. He born there and founds out he wazza wizard there too. It's boun' ta' have had some importance in his life, jus' boun' ta'!" Harry thought about this and agreed that Dumbledore might be on to something.

"You're right, Professor," he said a couple seconds later. "Let's start at that orphanage. Do you remember how to get there?"

"Yea' yea'!" hollered Dumbledore. "Follow me, foo's!" He yelled directions to Hagrid and Firenze and they flew off hurriedly. The other nine people of the Fellowship followed him as closely as they could possibly follow him without flying into the carriage. The gentle breeze pushed them onward.

It was a fairly gloomy night. There were a lot of clouds in the sky, and it was difficult for everyone to follow Dumbledore in the carriage. However, they somehow managed to follow him. Harry had to squint to try to keep out the cold. Even though there wasn't much of a wind in the air, it still seemed cold. The clouds even produced a little bit of moisture, so they were wet as well as cold. Dumbledore, however, was neither wet nor cold. He was perfectly fine in the confines of the carriage. He watched television after moving to the bench closer to Hagrid. Suddenly, Dumbledore realized where they were. He had seen some lights down below in a gap in the clouds. He opened the window near Hagrid.

"Hagrid!" he shouted. "Hagrid!!" Hagrid turned his head a little to the side.

"Yes, Professor Dumbledore, sir?" he asked.

"Le's make our decent now!"

"Now, sir?" Hagrid asked alarmed. "But won't the muggles see us?"

"Nonsense, my big friend," Dumbledore reassured Hagrid. "I'll cast a spell that'll make us invisible to them muggles. Just make sures we make our decent now." Hagrid nodded. He pulled on the reigns around Firenze and forced him to move downwards. Harry was just able to see them making the decent. He followed suit. The other eight broom-riders followed Harry through the damp, cold night sky. They all headed down towards the lights. It appeared that they were over London. Dumbledore took out his wand and made more complicated wand-movements. Nothing seemed to happen, that they knew of. However, the spell had worked and they had all been made invisible.

A few minutes later, they had landed. Dumbledore got out of the carriage and closed the door after him. Hagrid stepped down off of his captain-seat. Harry and the other eight on broomsticks got off their brooms and shouldered them. Harry shook water off his face. Then he took his glasses off and dried the water off the lenses. Then he put the glasses back on his face. Dumbledore walked over to the wet and cold Fellowship members. He raised his wand.

"_DRY-EEO_!" he yelled. They were suddenly dried of the wetness and felt like their clothes had just come out of the dryer.

"Thanks," said Harry.

"No problem, dude," declared Dumbledore. Harry looked around as

Dumbledore walked over and untied Firenze from the harness. With another flick of his wand, the whole carriage had been folded up neatly and put in a bag. Dumbledore put the bag into his light-weight backpack. Harry walked over to him. Firenze had just begun losing his wings. He bent his head down in sadness. He would miss those wings.

"Where are we?" Harry asked. Dumbledore looked up at the sky and then looked at the lights around them.

"We in Big Ben Park Centrale," he replied. Harry looked around.

"How do you know that?" Dumbledore pointed to the sign above their heads that read: "This is Big Ben Park Centrale. Yes, that is howeth we Britains spelleth 'central'! That is howeth we rolleth!" Harry nodded.

"Right," he responded. "Didn't see that." Dumbledore started walking towards the city lights.

"We need ta' walk through the city," he wagered. "But we can't be 'tractin' attention to's us." Everyone nodded.

"What about our brooms?" asked Hermione.

"Good question," replied Dumbledore. He walked over to her and slapped her across her right cheek.

"Ouch!" she cried. Dumbledore laughed and pinched her left forearm. She grimaced and pulled her arm away from him.

"I'll fold the brooms and put them in me bag," Dumbledore suggested. Everyone gave him their brooms. Dumbledore put the nine brooms into a pile and shouted _FOLD-EEO_! The brooms folded nicely like clothes and Dumbledore placed them into his backpack. "Right," he began. "Le's head out now." He undid the invisibility spell and led the Fellowship out of the park and into a busy city street called Streeteth Avenue.

They all walked and admired the buildings, discounting the stares they got from awestruck muggles as they walked by in their robes. They passed a Hooters and a Starbucks and several candy shops. Finally, they came to an old-fashioned street. They saw root-beer stands and malt stores. They even saw a clothes store that sold really outdated clothes, like shirts. I mean who wears those anymore??! Harry walked up to Dumbledore.

"This looks familiar," he said.

"It better, foo'," replied Dumbledore. "You've seen it just last school term." Harry looked affronted at being called "foo'."

"Why do you always call me, 'foo'?" he asked Dumbledore. Dumbledore smiled.

"You is a foo', yo," he responded. Harry thought about it. He finally decided that Dumbledore was right.

"Well aight, yo'," he said to Dumbledore. Dumbledore beamed.

"Now's you talkin' my language!" Harry chuckled. They had reached the orphanage. They walked down some pavement for a short distance and came to a set of iron gates. The gates were closed. On the other side of the gates was a bare courtyard with one lone dead-looking tree in the middle of it. The courtyard stood in front of a sad looking, square building that was surrounded by high railings. On the top of the railings were sharp spikes that appeared to be the only way of keeping orphans from running away in the middle of the night. Harry looked at his watch. It was after midnight. The orphanage must be closed. Dumbledore sighed.

"We can' break into to no orphanage," he said to them. "We'll have to sleep in that Motel 6 across the street and come back in the mornin'." No one argued with him. They simply turned around and headed back across the pavement. They reached the street and crossed it. Dumbledore bought them four rooms in the motel. They split up, three people to a room. Harry, Ron, and Hermione were in one room; Lupin, Tonks, and Ginny in a second; Hagrid, Dumbledore, and Firenze in a third; and Roger Clemens, Kingsley Shacklebolt, and Dolores Umbridge in the last room. They bade each other 'good-night' and went into their separate rooms. There, they slept…until morning. When it was morning, they woke up. They all gathered in the lobby of the motel, handed in their room keys to the receptionist at the counter, and headed back to the orphanage. They walked across the street and headed back down the pavement a short distance. This time when they got to the set of iron gates, however, the gates were open. They walked on through them and headed across the bare courtyard. Dumbledore reached the few steps that led to the front door first, so he walked up the steps and knocked on the front door. The others stayed at the bottom of the like three steps. There was a silence. Dumbledore knocked on the front door a second time. This time, there was a scuddling of feet on the opposite end of the front door. Then a scruffy woman wearing an apron opened the door.

"What d'ya want?" she asked in a tired but irritated voice.

"Ta' speak with Mrs. Cole and have a look around the orphanage," Dumbledore replied. "This orphanage used to house a young child here that we want to know more about, and we have come to look for somethin' he may have left behind." The scruffy woman looked up into the white-parts of Dumbledore's eyes.

"What was his name?" she asked roughly.

"Tom Riddle," Dumbledore announced. The woman winced at the name of Tom Riddle. She slapped Dumbledore and then clapped her hands to her face and screamed.

"Aaaaaarrrrghhh!" she screamed. "I hate that boy!! He used to call me ma'am!! And I was only a young girl! A young girl!! Aaaaaarrrghhh!" After a few moments of this screaming, she finally stopped. "He also used to torment the other orphans," she mentioned mildly, as if in passing. "But that is neither here nor there." She yelled for Mrs. Cole over her shoulder. There was some shouting in the distance in reply to the scruffy woman's yells. "She'll be here shortly," she said to Dumbledore. "You all can wait for her inside if you like." Dumbledore thanked her and they all walked inside. The scruffy woman, who had not noticed how many were in the group, gaped at Firenze and Hagrid. They, in turn, saluted her. She ran off screaming down the hall. Firenze and Hagrid just shrugged. A couple minutes later, a really old woman entered the entrance room in a wheelchair. She looked harassed and skinny. She yelled something at another helper. "Make sure Dungus gets his enema. He likes those enemas. They give him a sense of accomplishment. And Billy Stubbs has been picking his scabs again. Tell him to stop that. Crazy kid." She saw Dumbledore and gaped at him. He offered her his hand, but she just continued to gape at him.

"Mrs. Cole," Dumbledore spoked. "I have returned to you. I am Albus Dumbledore…the White." She gaped at him.

"But you're black," she said roughly.

"Yea' yea'," replied Dumbledore. "But my beard, hair, robes, and horse are white. So that makes me Dumbledore the White." Mrs. Cole still gaped at him.

"But you're black," she repeated.

Dumbledore slapped her and then pushed her wheelchair into the wall. "But my robes are white, honkey!" he argued angrily. Mrs. Cole spun her wheelchair to face him, and then she continued to gape at him.

"But you're black," she replied. Dumbledore looked down at his feet.

"So it would seem," he replied trying desperately to control his rage. "But my color is unimportant now. We come hea' to fin' out stuff and things about Tom Riddle. So yea', show us his hiding places and secret places and favorite places…please, ma'am…we'll give you gin!" Mrs. Cole's eyes lit up at the sound of gin.

"Ok!" she exclaimed. "Follow me. I'll show you all of his hiding places and stuff! If you give me the gin first!" Dumbledore nodded and reached into his robes. He pulled out a bottle of gin and a cup. Mrs. Cole grabbed the bottle greedily and threw the cup onto the floor. Since it was glass, it broke when it hit the ground. But that was obvious. Or was it? Dun…dun…dun…

Ten minutes later, she led them to Tom's secret hiding places without even questioning why they needed to know. She held her gin pretty well. She didn't even show any signs of being smashed. With the exception that her wheelchair did a lot of weaving in the hallways. The orphanage, as it had looked so long ago when Tom Riddle had been an occupant, looked shabby but was spotlessly clean. The hallway was tiled in black and white. There were paintings of people on the walls. There was also a ceiling. Mrs. Cole led them to the kitchen trashcan, the outside tire swing, the laundry hampers, and finally to Tom Riddle's old room. She led them up the stone stairs and turned off on the second landing. She stopped outside the first door in a long corridor.

"This room has had an eerie feeling to it since Tom left," she replied in drunk old person lingo. "No one has gone inside it since then. They say the door cannot be opened. I never tried to open it since I didn't want to go in there anyway. But everyone says that this room gives them the creeps whenever they walk past it. I would help you guys get into the room, but I am old and in a wheelchair. I can be of no more use to you from here on out. Good luck to you, Gandalf." She rode wobbly away back down the stone stairs.

"Tha's Dumbledore, not Gandalf!" Dumbledore yelled after her. But she paid no heed to his comment. She was too drunk to even notice that Firenze was a centaur, Hagrid was a half-giant, and Roger Clemens used to pitch for the New York Yankees! I mean that was pretty talented right there. She was really smashed. And so was her wheelchair after she fell down the stairs. But that was neither here nor there. Dumbledore pulled out his white wand. Umbridge came in for a better look at the door, but Firenze just growled at her and she backed away.

"Backing away, backing away," she said to the camera-men. "I'm letting the half-horse know that he is still the one in charge. Next week, I will try to move in a little closer on In the Horse's Den on Animal Planet."

Dumbledore eyed the door skeptically. Harry walked up to his side. Lupin also walked to Dumbledore's side, as did Kingsley Shacklebolt. Dumbledore made more complicated wand movements with his…wand. What else would he make complicated wand movements with?? Jeez. He thought hard. "There is magic here," he said to the group. He walked up and down the long corridor, making the same complicated wand movements as he walked. Finally, he came back to the door to Tom Riddle's room. He made a complicated series of wand movements. Harry thought he was dancing the disco. He was right. Dumbledore had been dancing the disco. Realizing he had just wasted time, he did real wand movements. "I believe we enter his room here," Dumbledore said in a smart voice. He was looking at the door to Tom Riddle's room. Harry shot a furtive glance to Lupin and Kingsley. They just rolled their eyes…into little balls and threw them across the corridor. After retrieving their eyes and putting them back into their eye sockets, they discussed the situation with Dumbledore.

"It's a door to the beyond," Dumbledore told them.

"To the beyond?" asked Kingsley.

"Yes, the beyond," replied Dumbledore.

"Beyond what?" asked Lupin. Dumbledore thought a moment. He closed his eyes and touched the door tenderly. He knocked on it once. Then he opened his eyes after a thud was heard in the room.

"Beyond the hallway," Dumbledore answered of Lupin's question. Then he closed his eyes again and touched the door a second time. He felt the parts of the door, as if trying to find out where the magic was located. He opened his eyes and looked disappointed. "Oh, surely not. So crude, Tom," he said quietly and disapprovingly.

"Sir?" Harry asked. Dumbledore looked at him.

"Again, Tom wants a payment to enter his room," he told Harry.

"A payment?" Harry asked. "You mean we have to give his door blood?? Like we had to do to get into the cave?" Dumbledore shook his head.

"No, Harry," he replied. "Tom wants us to give him a key. He wants us to put the key into the keyhole and unlock the door to open it." He glared disapprovingly at the door again.

"A key?" Harry asked, at a loss for how easy it was going to be to get into this so-called 'horcrux location'.

"I said it was crude," responded Dumbledore. He walked down the stairs and asked Mrs. Cole, who was still laying on the ground surrounded by pieces of her shattered wheelchair, for the key to Tom Riddle's room. She crawled to her office, grabbed the key to Tom's room, and gave Dumbledore the key after she had crawled back to the foot of the stairs. He walked back up the stairs, got off at the second landing, and stopped outside the first door in a long corridor. He put the key into the keyhole and turned the key. There was a click. Dumbledore then put his left hand on the knob and turned it. The door opened. Everyone's mouths fell ajar. _Oh crap!_ thought Harry. _Bad idea!_ No one moved. They were all too scared to move or blink.


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17: The Box With No Key

No one moved a muscle. They could not believe what awaited them inside the old room of Tom Riddle. It was so horrifying. Hagrid bent over the railing of the stairs and threw up. Firenze pee-ed all over himself. Hermione hid behind Ron, who had hid behind Lupin, who had hid behind Tonks, who had hid behind Ginny. Kingsley Shacklebolt was not phased by the monster, though. He took out his wand and charged into the room. The door closed behind him.

"Nooooo!" yelled Harry, but there was nothing he could do. The door was closed and opening it meant turning the knob which required effort. Harry had no effort left in him. Eleven members of the Fellowship of the Harry waited tensely outside Tom Riddle's old room for Kingsley Shacklebolt to emerge. Seconds became minutes, and minutes became tens of minutes. Finally, thirty minutes later, Kingsley emerged from the room. Blood oozed from a cut just above his left eye. He looked exhausted.

"I have slain the monster," he reported to them. Dumbledore approached him and leant out a hand as Kingsley fell to his knees. "It was a hard fight, but I overcame him, Dumbledore. I overcame him. I smote his body upon the floor of that cursed room." Harry walked past Kingsley and Dumbledore and entered the room. He saw the giant, purple body of the creature lying spread-eagled on the ground near Tom's old bed. It was true. Barney the Dinosaur was dead.

"What happened?" Harry asked Kingsley. Kingsley took a deep breath and told them the whole story.

"I entered the room with my wand drawn. He came towards me and tried to hug me, but I evaded him. He kept trying to hug me and get me to sing songs, but I wouldn't do it. Finally, he said that real friends don't say no to friends. So he attacked me with a ninja star. The first one I was able to dodge. But the second one caught me over my left eye. Having no more ninja stars left, Barney instead threw whatever he could find in his dinosaur suit at me. He threw a bologna sandwich at me. It hit me in the face, but I recovered. Then he threw a water balloon at me. I dodged it. He threw a meatball at me and I was just a little too slow. It caught me on my right ear. That bastard. Now I have to talk a shower, a second shower. I finally petrified him with a stunning spell…"

"_Petrificus totalus_?" Harry asked.

"No, _CUBS WINNING THE WORLD SERIES-EEO_!"

"Ahh, yes," Harry said. "Good point. That would stun any normal person. The Chicago Cubs even finishing a season over .500 would be enough to petrify a strong witch or wizard."

"Yes," agreed Kingsley. "The spell stunned Barney enough that he fell over on his back and stared horrifically at the ceiling. I was able to make my way to him slowly. Wand pointed at his heart, I killed him with a simple spell."

"What spell was that?" asked Harry curiously. Dumbledore walked over to Harry and slapped him across his face.

"Getta holda' yourself, man!" Dumbledore fumed. Kingsley paid no heed to the slap of Harry.

"_TOO MUCH VIAGRA AND NOT ENOUGH LADIES-EEO_!" he said in answer to Harry's earlier question.

"And it worked?" asked Harry.

"Oh aye, it did," answered Kingsley. "It did the trick, sure enough. He exploded from the pressure."

"He looks pretty intact to me," Harry said suspiciously.

"Yes, well, he died on the inside. And that's all that matters. His heart stopped working." Harry made as if he was going to ask Kingsley more questions, but Dumbledore stopped him by putting his hand up.

"That's enough, Harry," he said. "Let's let our good friend rest up a bit. Afterall, he done slain an evil monster. One that Voldemort knew would cause havoc to anyone who messed with him."

"Yes," agreed Lupin. "Barney was no friend of ours. His path went down the dark side of the force. He was corrupt…and did things with little children. And he was purple. No good guy wears purple or is the color purple. You've done well, Kingsley the Barney Slayer. You've done well." Kingsley just nodded his head in gratitude of this compliment.

"Let's get on with it, then," commanded Roger Clemens. "I don't want to wait around here all day." Umbridge agreed with Roger.

"Hmmmpf hmmmpf," came the sound of Dolores Umbridge clearing her throat. "What are we waiting for, Albus? If you are indeed the wizard that He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named feared the most, then there will be no need in us waiting outside with Kingsley. Since Potter and his friends are vastly unqualified, they can stay and wait with Kingsley until he regains his strength. Us more qualified magical people can then go inside and start destroying the _horcrux_."

"You's right on one account, Dolores," Dumbledore said placidly. "We don't have to wait out hea' for Kingsley to regain his strength. We can go on inta' the room without him. However, since Harry is one of the biggest main characters in this Fellowship, he should be entitled to help destroy the _horcrux_. You, however, are not important to the destruction of the object. So thank you, Dolores, for so graciously volunteering to wait out here with Kingsley. The Minister will be so relieved to learn how much of a help you been to the Fellowship." With that, Dumbledore pulled Harry to him and motioned for him to enter Tom Riddle's old room. Dolores just looked outraged, but said nothing. Ron, Hermione, and Ginny had to try really hard to suppress their laughter. However, they could not. They exploded with laughter right in front of Ugly Umbridge.

"HAHAHAHAHA!" snorted Ron with glee. "You've just been owned, bitch!" He, Hermione, and Ginny continued to laugh but remained out in the hall with Umbridge and Kingsley. Umbridge was not amused.

"Hmmmmpf hmmmmpf!" she fumed. Kingsley walked over to her and punched her in the face. She fell backwards and leaned against the wall for support from falling, trying to stem the blood from her nose with her right hand.

"Shut up with your clearing-your-throat-ness, you cow!" ordered Kingsley. Umbridge fell silent, but glared reproachfully at the four other characters in the hall.

Harry, Dumbledore, Lupin, Tonks, Hagrid, Firenze, and Roger Clemens each walked into Tom Riddle's room, but with some difficulty since the room was not too large and since there was a large purple dinosaur dead on the floor. Dumbledore took care of the dinosaur with a simple vanishing spell: _GO-AWAY-EEO_! The body disappeared from the room. Hagrid and Firenze decided that they would instead wait out in the hall. They left leaving Harry, Dumbledore, Tonks, Lupin, and Roger Clemens in the room.

"Where do you reckon Tom left the horcrux, sir?" Harry asked Dumbledore. Dumbledore shrugged.

"In the room," he suggested. Harry suppressed a laugh. Dumbledore thought a moment. "In the wardrobe, Harry." Harry looked around. The room was completely bare except the old wardrobe and an iron bedstead. That meant that the horcrux probably only had two hiding places in this room. And the wardrobe seemed the more likely hideout for the horcrux, since there really was no where to hide something in the bedstead.

"Good call, sir," replied Harry complimentatively. Lupin walked up to Dumbledore. He took out his wand and held it up ready for an attack. However, nothing came out of the wardrobe. In fact, the wardrobe seemed to be pretty ordinary. No apparent magic was anywhere in the room. At least, Harry could not tell that magic lurked in the room. Dumbledore closed his eyes and examined the wardrobe with his hands.

"The horcrux is indeed within the wardrobe," Dumbledore stated.

"How do you know, sir?" Harry asked. Dumbledore turned to him and smiled.

"Because, foo', don't you remember me sayin' that magic leaves traces?" Harry nodded. He did recall Dumbledore telling him this at the end of last school term when they had visited the cave.

"What traces are there that magic has been used here, Professor?" he asked Dumbledore, not knowing what Dumbledore was playing at.

"A small one, yo, but still a trace."

"What trace?" Dumbledore pointed to the green sticker on the bottom left corner of the wardrobe. Harry bent down and read the words on the sticker: **Magic has been done here**.

"Right," muttered Harry. "Touche, Voldemort." Dumbledore continued to examine the wardrobe with his right hand. However, the wardrobe gave a great jolt, as if something inside the wardrobe was shaking the whole thing. "Holy crap, man!" cried a startled Harry. "What was that? What made that shaking?"

"Do you really not know, Harry?" Lupin asked serenely. "I must say that makes me a little disappointed. I thought you had learned stuff and things in my class when I taught you Defense Against the Dark Arts that one year." Harry continued to look at Lupin blankly. "It's a boggart, Harry," he said simply. Harry squinted his eyes, trying to remember what a boggart was.

"Oh yeah!" he said as he remembered finally. But then the look of satisfaction left his face and he became horrorstruck. "Oh crap!" he exclaimed. "A shape-shifter?" Lupin nodded. Roger Clemens looked at them both with confusion in his eyes. He did not know what the heck they were talking about. He had never come across the term 'boggart' in his baseballing activities and what not. He put his hands in front of his chest outstretched.

"I don't know, I don't wanna' know, I'm out," he told them as he clapped his hands and walked out of the room.

"And then there were four," admitted Tonks.

"Yes," Lupin agreed. "Four there were then."

"That shit's whack!" exclaimed Dumbledore. Lupin, Tonks, and Harry all looked over at Dumbledore.

"Sir?" all three of them asked in unison.

"That mean old Voldemort wants blood in order for us to be able to open the wardrobe!" he fumed. Harry looked at Dumbledore with sympathy.

"So one of us has to give the keyhole in the wardrobe some blood?" Tonks asked.

"No," replied Dumbledore. "He don't want human blood…he want goat blood." The other three looked at him in awe.

"How do you know that?" demanded Harry. Dumbledore pointed to another little sticker. This one was orange and was on the keyhole. It read: **Admittance blood…of a goat!! BWAHAHAHAHA**! "How the hell do we do that?" stormed Harry angrily.

"Easy, foo'," replied Dumbledore. "We just conjure one." He took out his white wand and made a swish and flick with it. A black and white goat emerged from his wand tip. Then Dumbledore looked at the right side of his wand and pulled out a knife from that same side. Understanding the curious expressions on the faces of Lupin, Tonks, and Harry, Dumbledore explained how he got the knife out of his wand. "My wand is a Swiss-army wand, yo's. It has a few blades, a screw driver, a nail filer, a cork screw, and scissors." The others just nodded as comprehension overtook them. Dumbledore smiled. He grabbed the goat's right front leg and held it firmly in his left hand. With his right hand, he cut the goat's leg.

"Blimey!" scorned the goat. "That hurt!" Dumbledore just smiled again and put some pressure on the wound.

"Just keep pressure on it, Goato," he said to the goat. "The bleeding will be stemmed by the pressure. Now let's open a wardrobe." He put the knife blade to the keyhole and tapped it. Blood dripped off the blade into the keyhole. A low hissing came from the wardrobe as if gas was being expelled from the inside. Then the wardrobe door slowly opened.

"Wand at the ready, Harry," Lupin urged of Harry. Harry took out his wand and held it out in front of him with a shaky right hand. The boggart saw Harry first and immediately turned into a dementor. Remembering how to deal with a boggart, Harry quickly fumbled around for something funny to turn the boggart into in his mind. The dementor-boggart glided over to him with its hands outstretched. Then Harry thought of something that would surely make him laugh.

"_Ridiculus_!" he shouted to the boggart. The boggart immediately turned into Voldemort. "HAHAHAHA!" Harry laughed. "He's so ugly! I mean look at his nose…or should I say _lack_ of a nose!! Hahahaha!"

"Hahahaha!" agreed Lupin. "Good one, Harry! Very enjoyable! Next!" Dumbledore walked up to the Voldemort-boggart still smiling from the ugliness that was Voldemort. The boggart looked at him with a vacant expression on its face since it did not know what was going on or why everyone was laughing at it. However, the boggart saw Dumbledore and turned into something else entirely. It turned into Rosie O'Donell.

"AAAAARRRRGGGGGGGHHHHH!" screamed Dumbledore like a little girl. "Get it away! Get it away!!!" He ran behind Lupin screaming and crying. Lupin walked towards the Rosie O'Donell-boggart and let it look at him. It turned into the moon. Lupin didn't even seem to notice. He merely performed the spell.

"_Ridiculus_!" he called out. The boggart turned into a confused-looking Draco Malfoy. Everyone started balling with laughter! They were not able to hold in any laughter. It all came out. Even Goato was laughing! The boggart was so unable to cope with such amounts of jovial laughter that it simply started to glow red and then blew up in front of them. After the shock of the exploding boggart wore off, Dumbledore, Harry, Tonks, and Lupin were able to regain their composure.

"Well that's that," claimed Tonks.

"So it is," agreed Dumbledore. "Now we just need to find the horcrux and destroy it somehow." He threw open the wardrobe door and began to look inside. The old wardrobe contained some really old shirts on hangers, rusty shoes on the bottom of the wardrobe, and there was a small cardboard box on the topmost shelf above a rail of threadbare clothes. He reached for the box but was prevented from touching it.

"What's wrong, sir?" asked Harry bewildered by the sudden abrupt stop to Dumbledore's grabbing of the box.

"I can't touch the box, foo'," he said to Harry and the others.

"What do you mean?" asked Tonks.

"Well, you try then," Dumbledore said to Tonks. She walked over to the wardrobe. She reached for the box but was prevented from touching it by some hidden force.

"Touche, Professor Dumbledore," she stated. "You're right. Something is stopping us from getting that box." Lupin rolled his eyes.

"Well, he's not going to let anyone simply grab the box that is hiding a part of his soul in it, is he?!?" Lupin suggested matter-of-factly. "My guess is that the boggart was in there by accident. The true defender of the box has yet to show itself to us. We must find some way to pull that box out of the wardrobe."

"Oh really?" asked Dumbledore sarcastically. "I thought we's just gonna leave the box in the bloody wardrobe. Afterall, the horcrux we are searching for is only just inside the box. It's not that important." Harry blinked at him admonishingly.

"Are you speaking sarcastically, Professor?" he asked Dumbledore. "Because I can't tell anymore." Dumbledore rolled his eyes.

"Look," spoke up Lupin roughly. "Bickering will not help us get the horcrux out of the wardrobe. We must be on the same side in order to prevail here."

"I'm a girl!" roared Tonks. Everyone looked at her curiously.

"So?" asked Harry. Tonks blushed.

"Oh, well, that was all I had to say. I was just informing you all. Now you know." They all looked at her. She looked at them. They looked at her. She looked at them. Goato looked at the wardrobe. The wardrobe just sat there.

"Don't you turn your back on me!" Goato roared to the wardrobe. Everyone wheeled around and looked at Goato. Goato continued to glare at the motionless wardrobe.

"Right," suggested Dumbledore. "I think I's got a plan as to how's we get the box off the shelf. Jus' trust me on this one, yo's." He pulled out his wand. He conjured up two paint rollers and some sort of explosive device. "Take this, Harry," he said as he handed one of the paint rollers to Harry. Harry looked at the paint roller now in his hand with a sullen look.

"What do I do with this, sir?" he asked Dumbledore.

"We's gonna paint the bottom of the shelf with it jus' under the cardboard box." Harry finally understood what they were doing. He proceeded to paint the shelf directly under where the cardboard box was situated. Once they were done painting the small box, Dumbledore stuck the explosive device on the bottom side of the shelf under the box. "Now stan' back," Dumbledore stated. Tonks, Lupin, and Harry followed Dumbledore's orders and stepped back. Dumbledore grabbed a remote control from the left pocket of his robes. He pushed the giant red button and the explosive device…exploded! The painted box of the shelf fell to the floor with the cardboard box. After the smoke had subsided, the four characters walked slowly towards the box. Harry bent down and picked up the cardboard box. He tried to open the box, but it was locked!

"Damn!" he swore. "Now how are we going to break into the box??!" The others thought for a moment.

"Well it's cardboard," suggested Tonks.

"Yes," agreed Lupin. "That means we can't break into the box because it is too strong for knives and hammers." They all thought some more. Dumbledore thought of a brilliant idea.

"Why don' we's open the lock?" he asked happily. Lupin shook his head.

"We don't have the key."

"Damn!" exclaimed Dumbledore. "Well, I'm outta ideas."

"Yeah, me too," agreed Harry.

"Me too," chimed Tonks. Lupin did not respond. He was deep in thought…or was he sleeping? Dun…dun…dun…

Kingsley walked into the room. He saw the four characters thinking, or at least three were because Lupin may have been sleeping.

"What's up?" he asked as he saw the cardboard box in Harry's hands.

"We can't get into the box," replied Harry.

"Let me try," suggested Kingsley. Harry handed him the box. Kingsley looked at it. "Why don't we use a knife and cut the edges to open the box?" he asked. The others shrugged. Kingsley reached into his robes and pulled out a knife. He proceeded to look at where to cut the flaps of the box. However, he saw something then that he had not been expecting. "Shit!" he swore loudly. "Lord V. used masking tape along the edges!"

"Damn," replied Dumbledore. "He thought of everything!" Kingsley slumped onto the ground. He looked at the debris where the shelf had collapsed. He noticed something sticking out of the debris.

"What's that?" he asked. Lupin, Tonks, and Harry turned towards the wardrobe. Kingsley got up and walked over to the wardrobe. He bent down at the debris and dug out some sort of fabric or parchment thingy.

"What is that?" Harry asked. Kingsley shrugged.

"I don't know." He unfolded the fabric and noticed a picture of something on it. He turned the fabric 180° and gasped. "It's a key!"

"What?" asked Lupin a little eagerly.

"It's a key," repeated Kingsley. Tonks jumped up for joy.

"Then put it into the keyhole and unlock the impossible-to-break-into-cardboard box!" she said energetically. Lupin turned to her and slapped her across the face.

"No, you idiot," he reprimanded. "It's not a key itself! It's a picture of a key! You can't use a _picture_ of a key on some fabric to open a lock!" Tonks was disgruntled. Her boyfriend had slapped her. She started crying and ran out into the hallway. Lupin shrugged. "Women," he said under his breath. "They can't take a little face-slapping." Harry smiled. He agreed with Lupin here.

"Right," quavered Kingsley. "This key looks familiar." Dumbledore looked at him.

"Can you get it?" he asked Kingsley. "And quickly? We don' want Voldemort to have any more time on this planet than he has ta' have." Kingsley bit his bottom lip and looked at the key on the fabric.

"I think I know the one person who will know where to find this key: Jack Sparrow."

"That's _Captain_ Jack Sparrow," corrected Captain Jack Sparrow, who had now entered the old Tom Riddle room. He looked like a pirate. He had like dread locks, a crazy goatee and mustache, a red bandana, a Captain hat, and crazy pirate clothing. Kingsley smiled at him.

"It is good to see you again, Jack!" he beamed. Jack smiled and bowed to Kingsley. Kingsley turned towards Dumbledore, Lupin, Tonks, and Harry. "My friends, let me introduce you to Captain Jack Sparrow."


End file.
